Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

ON BABY RAISING

It seems that 2014 will be the next round of great baby arrivals. Many first time parents have asked, "Tondar, all babies come from you, what do I need to know about raising the one at my house?" Well, here are a few pointers for all you kids having babies.

*UPDATE: Feel free to leave a comment on the post with anything (especially about boys) that I may have missed. These are the lessons that I have learned but it certainly isn't the complete and final word.

1. Don't gaze upon the birthing process. Like staring into the Ark of the Covenant it will melt your face.

2. You won't Lenny Smash your baby. Babies are small and delicate. But don't worry, you're not going to crush them like Lenny petting the puppy or touching Curly's wife. They are tough little critters.

3. When buying diapers get both Pampers and something cheap. Use the Pampers overnight, during naps, and when you're anticipating fecal armageddon. The cheap diaps should save you some money and fill in the other gaps.

4. Baby's diap should be changed about every 2 hours to keep the bottom from rotting off.

5. If baby's bottom starts to rot off, buy the giant sack of baking soda from Costco/Sams and generously add that to baby's bath. The rot will heal and nobody has to know the secret of your bad parenting.

6. Breast feeding is the best food for baby and a great bonding opportunity for Mommy. BONUS: Jokingly referring to breastfeeding as "Shame" or "Shameful" is ALMOST as much fun as using the "Woman Voice." Sit back and enjoy the rage storm.

7. You will spill breast milk. Clean it up quickly. Never tell anybody.

8. Doctors will push vaccines. There's no disputing the science of immunization. However, shaming and fear mongering still does not substitute for a proper national debate about what big pharma is mandating we put into our children while enjoying legal immunity from the consequences of these mandates. Do your own research. Consider your family's autoimmune history. You are the one that has to live with the decision ultimately.

9. The Gardasil shot will destroy your daughter's reproductive system.

10. Baby girls love all that is cute. They respond favorably if you turn any item into a sad critter that needs their help. Use this to help them finish their food, vitamins, and medicine.

11. When a baby girl hands you a toy, cuddle it, kiss it, hug it, or give it a loving voice. They love this!

12. Make up songs to help you and baby turn repetitive necessities into delightful moments of play. They will reward you with bopping and attempts to sing along.

13. Tummy time is important for smaller babies to become comfortable at pushing up into a crawling position.

14. In a world where everything is new and frightening, routines comfort baby with order in the maelstrom of chaos.

15. A bedtime routine is crucial to establishing good sleep habits.

16. "Sleeping through the night" is a lie. What they really mean is that baby will sleep from 8pm-4am. It takes another month or 2 for baby to actually sleep until 7 or 8am.

17. Baby has horrible hands that will attack baby's face on the verge of sleep. Counter this with a tight swaddle. Adults have an inability to empathize with the swaddle and see it as a sad restraint. To baby it feels like being in the tight cozy womb.

18. You WILL make a mistake trimming those tiny fingernails. You are not a terrible parent.

19. Try not to use powder during diaper changes as baby will inhale some. This is not good for baby. Nevertheless, a little powder with cornstarch is a powerful ally when the diaper rash overwhelms.

20. White zinc oxide ointment is my diaper cream of choice. It is also the active formula in talcum powder and can be used for any family member that is suffering from rashy chaffing.

21. Fluoride is a poison intended to make your baby stupid. There are several fluoride filters on the market that can save you and your family from the devastating buildup of the DERPS.

22. The baby making process strips mommy of many toxins and nutrients that her body has stored up for a lifetime. The toxins can potentially have effects on baby. And mommy will need to replenish many nutrients in herself. Do your supplement research. And mommy should continue with her prenatal vitamins through breastfeeding and for as long as she is considering more babies.

23. If you ever get frustrated, take a moment for yourself. Baby will not expire of neglect while you regain your sanity.

24. Not all babies need a pacifier. Yours probably will.

25. Is your paci attached to baby's clothing in public?  Like the magic behind magnets, it will be irresistibly drawn to the floor.

26. Do you have an extra paci or two for going out into public? See above.

27. Don't use your mouth to "clean" baby's paci. Your mouth colonizes a great multitude of teeth rotting bacteria. Baby don't need that!

28. Newborns have a 3 hour cycle that consists of sleep, food, diaper change and a little bit of play. One of the best places for baby to nap is in a swing. There are some great electrical options on the market that will keep baby napping cozy longer.

29. A good beat will start to shake that baby bottom as your little one grows. Experiment with different kinds of music to determine if your baby likes dance, soul, prog, oldies, or good ole rock & roll. And of course, you can always count on Lionel Richie to move any baby.

30. Baby doesn't care if you partied all night in your blacklight basement rave and you are epically hungover. Baby's gonna demand a clean bottom and full tummy regardless.

31. A good source of white noise is crucial if you plan to get things done and your baby is a naughty sleeper. The Pink Noise from Simply Noise (there is an app) is our favorite. 

32.  Leaving baby shirtless in a window is a good source of vitamin D. There are also supplements that work. Make sure your baby is not deficient. The other parents will judge you and your rickety baby.

33. Recite this scene for baby (with accents) as you change those poopy diapers. "You will come out NO MORE!"

34.  When wiping a little girl during diaper changes, never bring the wipe from the back door to the front door. That's how urinary tract infections are made.

35. If your pooplet or pooplette suffers from prolonged explosive diarrhea that is ruining outfits left and right, consider a course of probiotics to seed that baby gut with helpful bacteria that make digestion a little more efficient.

36. Have a mobile or toy or bottle to distract baby during diaper changes. They are fallen beings and will get wiggly and giggly while you try to manage their filth.

37. Have a bottle of hand sanitizer near your changing station so that if you are flying solo, you can safely and cleanly help baby down without putting your filth-hands to everything. They nasty!

38. Breastfeeding is like a sport. It takes time and practice to get good and stay good. When baby cannot feed, take time to pump. If your supply starts to fall off, look into supplements to keep your production up. The interwebs are full of tricks, traps, and hints. Take all advice with a grain of salt.

39. Breastmilk is such an efficient food, babies can go a week without pooping. As long as those diapers are still wet, enjoy your break from poopsmithing. You are as golden as babies damp diap.

40. Start solids around 6 months (or 4 if on formula). Begin with foods that lay down boring eating habits. As baby gets older, add better tastier things. It is best to minimize sweets until that first birthday cake-monster moment. There will be plenty of time for baby to become acclimated to a sugary American diet after that first birthday.

41. In the baby food section there are some great organic baby pouches that combine healthy fruits and vegetables into tasty concoctions. Buy these if you dont have time to Baby Bullet (puree blend) your own baby food.  Bonus: baby feeds self, freeing you up to weep, drink and masturbate.

42. You only need to buy 1 box of rice cereal. After that, you can move to quick oats and then old fashion oats. These can be added to baby foods, yogurts, and other mush to bulk up meals to satisfy your little eat-beast.

43. Try to minimize baby's tv watching. The fast images and sounds are sensory candy and counter-productive to a developing brain that needs to learn things in a more focused, slow-paced way.

44. With baby around you will have to wash your hands more frequently. At some point, the flesh may start to come off your hands. Try to consolidate your hand washing by taking time to accomplish a "Dirty Handjob" like taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, or stain treating that poopy onesie before you wash your hands. After hand washing, keep in mind what "Clean Handjobs" you can accomplish like unloading the dishwasher, or food and bottle prep so as to save the outer layer of flesh on your hands.

45. Resistance is strong with baby. Instead of struggling to dress baby or cram baby into the highchair, hand baby a book or toy and declare "Look, a distraction!"

46.  Sometime between three and twelve months (but probably around six) months, razor sharp teeth will cut their way through baby's head and gums. They find this painful. Have Baby Pain Reliever and Ibuprofen on hand to alternate treatments depending on baby's level of WTF shrieking and agony.

47. Babies need to be checked regularly for poopies. Sometimes the poopies are secret and will have little to no smell indicating their arrival. I never understood the practicality of dressing them in onesies when you have to peek inside those pants, thus I prefer to dress our little defecators in normal shirts instead.

48. If baby only wore an outfit for a short time while lounging around the house, set it aside. These are the "clean-dirties" and come in handy when you have that inevitable messy meal or a leaky-loo of a diaper. It saves time by preventing the laundry from piling up at the rate of naughty.

49. I know the kids like to use the green re-usable grocery bags. Nevertheless, acquire and save those Meijer bags. Double them up and they are the perfect size for filling with diapers before the stench overwhelms the room. They usually need to be replaced towards the end of the second day.

50. "No spatulas in bed!" You cannot anticipate the level of madness and chaos that will be inflicted upon your house. To paraphrase Bill Cosby, all children suffer from the brain damage and this will manifest in the strangest of ways resulting in the strangest of rules.

51. Expect everything in your life to take twice as long, especially going places and doing things. Plan accordingly.

52. At any given time you will have a dozen things that you should be doing. Constantly be planning ahead for the next 4 or 5 steps. This keeps your mind sharp and helps you settle on the appropriate order of operations

53. Because of your Hulk-like strength it is easy to rip the tab off the disposable diaper. Just add a second diaper over the top to secure the first. At the next change throw away the soiled ripped-tab diaper from the inside and use the outer diaper, you lummox.

54. Remember when you touched that door handle, subway poll, old food, gas pump, and then shook hands with your creepy sweaty boss? Before coming home and touching baby and baby's toys or anything that might end up in baby's mouth, wash up. Also, insist that guests wash up before touching baby. As pregnant women get patted on the belly, there is a demented segment of the population that insists on touching your baby's hand or trying to put their grown-ass fingers in baby's mouth.

55. Around 12 months, there is a gap in baby's understanding and inability to speak. Fill this gap with a few words of American Sign Language. Mix useful words like "food," "please," and "thank you," with fun words like "spider," "jump," and "bear."

56. Most importantly, take time to git and be gotten. Babies smuggle gold under their chin. Steal it. Steal that baby thyroid. Git that baby tummy that is so sweet and yummy. Never forget that baby spit cures cancer! And as baby gets older and tries to reciprocate make a big enjoyable showing of how baby is gitting you.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

TOP TEN OF THE WEEK

*Tondar's Note: This was discovered as a draft of a 10/17/06 post. Im not sure if the links still work, but it was well written and interesting so I went ahead and published. For the original with alternative wording and order see here*

One of the things I love most about Youtube is being able to get music videos on demand. And being a lover of the artform, I thought I would put together a little top ten of some of those rare greats you probably have never seen...

10. Nick Cave & Kylie Minogue - Where The Wild Roses Grow: Not only is this a creepy video, but it's also a great song. Kylie's beauty is the perfect answer to Nick's creepy. And thus we are left with a beautiful imagery in a ballad of love and lust with a little Nick Cave style murder thrown into the mix.

9. Sophie B. Hawkins - Right Beside You: Yeah, you're not escaping a Tondar top 10 without Sophie B. Not only is this still one of my all-time favorite songs, but the video is a great representation of why I love Sophie B and her music. Sure the director could have taken the easy way out and simply have shown images of her singing and frolicking in the water. However, it is given that extra edge of real woman insanity when the unpredictable element of nature (rain and horse) are thrown in. Plus the blue filter visually represents the duality of her lyrics as she is both obsessive and playful as she sings of her lover. But if you are not that intrigued by any of the artistic elements, one can simply appreciate an attractive girl, soaking wet and touching herself.

8. Travis - Flowers In The Window: This video always reminded me of the Bill Haley song "13 Women, and Only One Man In Town." In the Travis version, they are dumped into a town in the southwest where all the women are pregnant. Strange imagery follows. Yet in the end, I think this video serves as a reminder that it is from Tondar that all babies come.

7. A-Ha - Forever Not Yours: This epic masterpiece is another of my all time favorites. This 2002 Euro-hit combines the drama of the city scenes of "The Killing Fields" with a Biblical re-telling of Noah's Ark. While the treasures of humanity, and the animals are being saved (2 at a time), A-Ha is making their way to the boat as well. The drama really kicks up as the rain starts to fall. Plus as an added bonus this video features the only Asian, Indian, and both blacks that live in Sweden (they happen to be security guards).

6. Weather Girls - It's Raining Men: This video is just classically bad. On a personal note, I've always been intrigued by the concept of it actually raining men. I really need to talk to Tres about the possible insurance ramifications of such an act of Mother Nature. I would like to see this video redone with the men falling from the sky causing damage to homes and vehicles as they splat down from the heavens. This video kind of captures this concept but it's mostly about Martha Wash and Izora Rhodes dancing around some half-nekkid men on a bad set. I was in a club in Prague a few years back and it was a real sausage fest. And the girls that were actually there were underage Swedes simply trolling for men to buy them drinks. When this song came on, I declared it a perfect storm and as the Colonel of the Discotheque, led the march to a much cooler nightclub.

5. Meatloaf - Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through: As a teenager I was always a fan of the brunette in the horizontal stripes. I especially liked the way that shirt showed off her body. But I think the rest of America felt the same way because she grew up to become Angelina Jolie. But like every Meatloaf video there is an interesting but failed attempt at a story. I still can't quite figure it out. I think Meatloaf is supposed to be some sort of carny/juke box elf/Michael Jackson as he saves all the vulnerable kids and doesn't molest them. In the end he takes them on his motorcycle to his magical new land full of rock and roll dreams and an angel. Or something like that. *shrug*

4. Phil Collins - Don't Lose My Number: Whether it was his solo stuff, or with Genesis I have always been a fan of Phil Collins' videos. This classic shows Phil ripping off a bunch of videos and genres at the time (such as Road Warrior, Take On Me, Every Breath You Take, and California Girls) as he tries to come up with a concept for his non-sensical song "Don't Lose My Number." I was especially a fan of the Western scenes and the fat guy that steals his sandwich. "Fake Blood! Great isn't it?!"

BTW - Have you ever noticed that Phil Collins seems like the type of guy that should be overweight. Yet when you see him, you're kind of surprised that he appears to be in good shape. I'm not sure what's up with his shape or look, but this Phil Collins Phenomenon has always intrigued me.

3. Articolo 31 - L'Italiano Medio: Speaking of Phil Collins, this is a great rip-off of Genesis' "Land of Confusion." In this case they parody some of the better videos and characters that make up the Italian Media of today. What I enjoy is the way the puppets walk the line between retarded, funny, and frightening. Plus if you watch closely you can see some puppet porn. Forz'Italia!

2. Alizee - Moi Lolita: Leave it to the French to find a popstar that pushes the boundaries of the puritanical concept of the age of consent. But before everybody gets creeped out, Alizee is just four months younger than miss Allison of the Purple Heart. But with that being said it's still strange to see this young Alizee toying with provencial hearts before running off to the discotheques where she dances seductively into the night. I've always liked the cinematography of this one as it uses a filter to give the video a classical and timeless feel. Note how the director keeps the camera constantly moving showing the energy of both the Discotheque and youth as we zoom, pan, spin to the 4/4 beat. Also, be sure to pay attention to the beginning of the video where Alizee is chased off by what appears to be a real life version of the Cat Lady from the Simpsons.

1. Mylene Farmer - Pourvu qu'elles soient douces: Nothing like a 17 minute 18th Century period piece. This epic video focuses on a booty chasin' English Officer that's got it bad for the sweet sweet behind of a captured French peasant girl. After beating on the officer for a while the peasant girl ends up getting cornholed by him (note how they hold hands). In the end the French army kills everybody (so obviously it's a fantasy), but not before a wet old muddy cat-fight can go down. The video also features full nudity, excessive violence, a cast of hundreds, plus a beat straight out of the early 80s. In other words, it freakin' rocks!

Monday, June 27, 2011

90 YEARS OF PRINCE PHILIP

You may not know this, but Ole Tondar likes to run his mouth ("I DON'T HAVE PANCAKES! I DON'T HAVE PANCAKES!"). But at least Tondar has not yet been placed on the world stage. Check out these 90 "gaffes" of Prince Philip from the Independent. Here are some of my favorites...

18. "If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.

23. "If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat,which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" In a Radio 4 interview shortly after the Dunblane shootings in 1996. He said to the interviewer off-air afterwards: "That will really set the cat among the pigeons, won't it?"

37. "Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." On a visit to Australia in 1992, when asked if he wanted to stroke a koala bear.

44. "So who's on drugs here?... HE looks as if he's on drugs." To a 14-year-old member of a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002.

74. "If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested." Of his daughter, Princess Anne.

75. "They're not mating are they?" Spotting two robots bumping in to one another at the Science Museum in 2000.

78. "It looks like a tart's bedroom." On seeing plans for the Duke and then Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park.

81. "Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!" Showing his impatience to be fed at a dinner party in 2004.

Friday, June 24, 2011

RICHARDS RAGE IN VERO BEACH, FL

From James...

"During the approximate (eight) phone calls, Lionel spoke of the CIA and how he wanted the (police) to pay for his room at the Oceanaire Motel," an affidavit states.

Police say Johnson, encountered in an alleyway behind the motel, told "stories about the CIA hiring him as an undercover agent and told the (police) officers present that they were 'sexy.'"

"Suddenly he lifted a glass bottle covered with a brown paper bag out of his back pack, unscrewed the cap and took a drink from it," the affidavit states.

The bottle was one of Wild Irish Rose, an economy fortified wine unlikely to be found at some of the world's finest restaurants.

Made of a blend of Labrusca and Vinifera grapes, Wild Irish Rose can belionel_johnson_side.jpg mixed with Faygo grape soda in a libation known as "Purple Jesus #3," according to a brand reference sheet and drinksmixer.com.


The thing about Richard's Rage Watch is that for the most part it usually didn't include Richard's Wild Irish Rose. I can't say that this is any more bizarre than some of the other things that have made the news over the years. What is interesting is the way the story actually informed the reader about Richard's.

For ole Tondar, I actually haven't had any Richard's for about a year (Kentucky 2010). These days, I am drinking mostly beer and Spanish brandy. After reading this story, I do have a bit of an urge to ride the snake once again. However, for a father of 2 little girls, that's just too much of a bad idea, even for the Destroyer.

#insert Frank derision here#
CAN'T TRUST THAT HERMAN CAIN

Many political observers on the right believe the best way to counter the criehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs of racism that emerge from every cornered Democrat is find somebody immune to the characterization. For this and his conservative views, many people believe that Herman Cain should be the Republican nominee for president. However, before jumping on the bandwagon, you should read this piece by Vox Day on the false hope of Herman Cain.

Most curious about Mr. Cain is the fact that he once chaired the Kansas City Federal Reserve. Considering that it has just recently been revealed that the Fed secretly loaned money to European bank,

Credit Suisse Group AG (CS), Goldman Sachs Group Inc. (GS) and Royal Bank of Scotland Group Plc (RBS) each borrowed at least $30 billion in 2008 from a Federal Reserve emergency lending program whose details weren’t revealed to shareholders, members of Congress or the public.

The $80 billion initiative, called single-tranche open- market operations, or ST OMO, made 28-day loans from March through December 2008, a period in which confidence in global credit markets collapsed after the Sept. 15 bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc.


Herman Cain should not be taken seriously until he condemns these actions by his former employee. It has been the reckless policies of the banks and the Federal Reserve that directly caused the economic crisis (or depression, depending on your view). It has been policies of malinvestment in real estate and over-leveraging by banks that has brought the economy to the brink of disaster. For a presidential candidate to be serious about correcting the crisis he or she must first understand the origins. So far the only candidate that is doing so is Ron Paul.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

WE NEED MORE MEL GIBSON

As I write this, I am attempting to download the end of Mel Gibson's latest movie, Edge of Darkness. While watching the film, I enjoyed it. But in retrospect it's pretty much a rehashed combination of Conspiracy Theory, The Patriot, and Payback, not that there is anything wrong with that. Mel Gibson movies have a certain swagger and intelligence that seems missing in today's films.

The sad part is that due to Gibson's unfortunate comments, self-destructive behavior, and an over-blown battle with Jewish Americans over the intent of The Passion, his career and ability to make and star in movies has been diminished. The sad part is that Gibson is the only one held to this higher standard. Charlie Sheen can repeatedly and delightfully hit rock bottom. Sean Penn can cozy up to the most prominent dictator of our day, yet in the end they are allowed to work. People don't care about their crazy streaks. Their work is allowed to stand on its own.

What Gibson needs now more than anything is a comeback statement movie. In the tradition of Rocky VI and Indy 4, we need a Mad Max 4. This is the perfect vehicle to revitalize his career. Something where the Man With No Name has been wasting away in a post-apocalyptic prison. He then escapes to become the savior of a New Australia, which would nicely wrap up the series.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

ROCKIN THE EARLY BIRD TREAT

Now that Dr. Wife has started going to work before 6. I often try to get up with her and get a jump on my day. For the last 4 weeks, the Big Ten Network has been showing Michigan games at 6am. However, before we get all excited, it should be noted that for the first 3 weeks, it was all about Michigan hate. It's amazing that the BTN can repeatedly find the losses for the winningest program in college football history. Things started the week of the MSU game with UM vs. MSU in the notorious clock game of 2001. On the day of the Iowa game, they dug up Michigan's debacle of 2003. The following week, during a bye, they even pulled up the 2005 Little Brown download featuring Minnesota's unstoppable draw plays. Right now in anticipation of today's PSU game, they are showing the Nitany Lion overtime thriller from 2002. The nice thing about this game is that I missed it the first time around since I was visiting Pigpen in the UP. But unlike the last 3 weeks, this is a game Michigan will go on to win 27-24.

I am not sure who the Buckeye at the BTN is that motivates them to repeatedly poop on Michigan every Saturday. But it's nice that they can find it in their heart to let us see one of Big Blue's 882 wins.
THE DECLINE AND FALL OF TDR

With the return of the Michigan Zone, it has become time to address the issue of "Hey, wha happened?" to the Daily Rant. After all, the Michigan Zone went underground about the time Michigan was winding up to being a 3-11 season. The slow decline of TDR on the other hand, has been like the Byzantium of blogs (without all the eyes getting gauged out). And while this is not a grand announcement of a comeback, it is an explanation with an eye on hope and the future.

Things here started winding down in 2007 when I first started working in mortgage origination. From there I moved on to working long hours back in the foreclosure game in Tennessee, Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, and sometimes the dreaded Louisiana. After that, the life mistakes (as Frank calls them) started piling up as I fell in love and started having kids. So for the last 3 years, when I wasn't working, my time has been devoted more towards reading and playing video games. The higher life of higher thoughts and contemplation had been pushed aside. Who has time for commentary when dealing with a wife and an endless production of dirty diapers?

Going forward, I would like to spend more time writing. I'm not sure if this will happen or what form that writing may take. For one thing, I would like to chronicle the next few years going forward as our nation faces a depression. Also, I would also like to write more on art as I was able to do back in 2006.

For now, don't expect a comeback as glorious as the MZone. But also, dont forget about TDR. This isn't our 1453, just our 1204.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

5 YEARS AND $50 LATER: DOOM 3

I bought Doom 3 years ago when I was living in Atlanta and had a Friday whim to drink Rolling Rock and get my gaming on. Of course, I did not have a computer worthy of Id's latest technology, so after a weekend of attempting to play, the game was set aside for more NBA Live 2003, and NCAA Football 2003. At the beginning of July, Angela used the rest of her 2009 education money to buy me a new computer. With 5 years of extra technology, I was finally able to fire up that bad boy and chase down that Cyber-demon.

Boy was that disappointing.

For ole Tondar, Doom II was one of the greatest games ever made because of the multitude of weapons, chaos, and cross-fires that could be formed. There were plenty of demons and plenty of wide open spaces where Marine could run around. It was like 30 levels of an unholy hunting preserve. Unfortunately, Doom 3 missed the boat on this fun.

The game has a very specific linear path that must be followed as the Marine fights from one tight, dark space to another. Of course, once started, I did have to complete my crusade, lest I be reduced to a vegetable trapped in the limbo of my mind, wondering if I did not have the moxie to obliterate the Cyber-Demon of the 21st Century. And once he was vanquished, I stumbled upon this perfect review of the game by The Spoony Experiment. Money Quote:

Oh, you're given a flashlight. I bet the developers thought they were really clever in giving you that one pittance, because you'll basically have to carry that flashlight out all the damn time just to see where you're going. Then you'll see a monster, fumble for your gun, and promptly find yourself unable to see again. So you'll aim your gun roughly in the direction you think the monster's at, guess, pray, and panic fire endlessly until you think it's dead. The entire game is a pointless back-and-forth transition from flashlight to gun, because evidently in the year 2145, marines working on a Martian base with notoriously bad light haven't been assigned weapons with lights on them. Nor have they mastered the use of duct tape to affix a flashlight on the end of their weapons. Or uh...just kind of hold the flashlight up against your weapon while firing it. But no, you're either holding the flashlight or a weapon, routinely getting slapped around by everything you can't see. And so you're stuck wandering around the entire game where the lighting is flickering, dim, or nonexistent, getting wailed on by everyone hiding where you can't see them.


AND IT GOES ON FOR HOURS LIKE THIS!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

STARKILLER/TIMEKILLER

We all know that George Lucas was the Saturn that ate his own Star Wars babies. Now while 20th Century Fox permits, roll on over to Starwarz and check out the original scripts. Most interesting are the original drafts of Empire Strikes Back and Revenge of the Jedi. The latter is particularly interesting because Ben and Yoda come back to life for the final showdown with the emperor. I can't really decide if one story is better. But it is always fun to ponder alternate history.

Thank you interwebs for eating more of our time.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

PIC OF THE DAY


Gotta love that suit!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

PIC OF THE DAY

Who's YOUR Daddy?
2001: EXPLAINED

Ever see "2001: A Space Odyssey" and couldn't get your head around it? Don't worry, you are not the only one. Well, if you have some time, this lengthy article will blow your mind as to how amazing that movie really is. It's definitely joined my top 10 after reading Jay Weidner's essay.