Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, April 18, 2003

DYIN' MAN DIES AGAIN

West Michigan's favorite recently released rapist called me today. I guess last week he was having surgery on his arm, and for the ump-teenth time he had a heartattack. This time he was dead for 40 seconds before he was revived. In case you forgot the dying man suffered a heartattack leaving our first interview back in February. Later he fell on the ice and crushed the bones in his right arm. He's one of the people I like to arbitrarily put on hold since he calls too frequently. But before you feel sorry for him remember he was convicted of uttering and publishing (check fraud) as well as 3rd degree criminal sexual assault (which requires penetration on a minor, family member, or the handicapped). So he's not exactly the bundle of hugs that you might be imagining.
GOTTA LOVE THE INTERNET

Well I did some online research and I found the contact information for Peter May on the Boston Globe's website.

May, Peter
Columnist
Sports / News
(617) 929-2851
p_may@globe.com

I think I will finally have somebody else to call when I'm drunk and angry instead of Dan Chen.
DASCHLE EXCOMMUNICATED

Well not quite. But his bishop in Sioux Falls has revoked his standing as a Catholic due to his support for abortion. Check out the story here. Money quote:

"Daschle's consistent political opposition to Catholic teachings on moral issues--abortion, in particular--has made him such a problem for ordinary churchgoers that the Church must deny him the use of the word "Catholic."

In the words of Dumbs: "Ooooh! Guess you shouldn't have supported the anti-pope in Avignon! *whoop whoop* "
WEEPING WATCH

"Ain't no tears like po' folk tears
cuz po' folk tears taste like beers."

Yep, that's right Tondar predicted a 68% chance of tears yesterday and he was able to convert. This one came at the 11:20am mark of Wednesday. Just like last week's score, this week's came against Cristene F. who has been stealing childsupport from her children to buy booze. "Boo hoo, boo hoo, I can't afford my medicine." Yeah, well Tondar can't always afford his "medicine" either, DEAL WITH IT! But anyways, goodnews kids, inspite of her face-wart, she's found her way into a rehab clinic and soon her family will be all better...until the next week's crisis.
SETH ON THE WINGS

The Lament continues as we try to put our lives back together. Check out this ESPN Post by Seth. He is certainly hard on them, but they certainly deserve it too. I don't want to say this to loudly, but I actually agree with Seth.

Money quote:

"I saw every time you goofed a line change. I saw every time you waited idly by while Draper fought two defensemen along the boards. I saw the hesitant passes that were anything but accurate get worse every game. And then I saw how you failed to control the easy pucks. I saw how your small defenseman Dmitri Bykov got manhandled by Anaheim's top 6 and I saw the rest of your scoring blueliners lose important fights around the boards. "

The only difference between our positions is that I will go back to the Wings. They treated me bad, but I know they can change if I give them more love. But for now Im going to need more than an off-season away to get my hockey world in order. It's still a dark dark day.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

CHALLENGE

If anybody can find the email address of Peter May please email that to me so I can directly rip him a new one.
PETER MAY DOES IT AGAIN

I guess I wasn't pissed off enough about the wings and everything else going on, so the always inept Peter May took it upon himself to once again trash the Eastern Conference for the ESPN.com. This time his "East should not exist" theory is centered around the idea that the Chicago Bulls should be elevated to the Finals by default. Why? Because the Bulls went 4-4 in April and it would make for good stories. Now I will be the first to admit the Eastern Conference is weaker and will most likely get creamed in the Finals. But that is how sports work. If Peter May is so down on the East, then why not write about the West? Is his self-esteem so low that he needs to rip through every moderately good team to make himself feel better? On top of that, you can tell he has been in journalism for too long when his reasoning revolves around the fact that the Bulls would be a better team to cover. Well, if story is your motivation, why don't you write a fantasy about Abdul-Jabar and Shaq going on a journey of self-discovery to McDonaldsland where they find the secret of life in a hot apple pie, and leave sports reporting to the real journalists. It must be a tough job having to watch all those NBA games and then being forced to write about them. Conferences go in cycles. Remember how the NFC dominated the AFC for years? And then an underdog team from Denver beat Brett Favre and the Packers. Nobody expected it, but thats the fun of sports. Anything can happen. That's why they play the games and thats why the system is based on rules and not the fiat power of an ESPN turd-burger without a shred of creativity.
PIGPEN WAS RIGHT

Remember Pigpen's rant from a few days ago regarding ESPN going ape over the "next great thing." Well, the next day they had this piece of drival just to spite Pigpen and every other real hockey fan out there. Where you at now Khabiboulin, Miracle, VanBeisbrouk??

Money Quote:

"He stands wider in the crease than Patrick and we hope he doesn't develop
the nervous twitching idiosyncrasy of Roy. But I think he's going to develop
into one of the next generation of goalies."

Amazing - all of the prophecies are, are comming true. The moon is in the 7th star and jupiter aligns with mars. These guys just don't learn from their analystic past.

In the words of Pigpen: "Anger rising....RISING"
BAD DAY TO BE POOR

After yesterday's debacle left a bad taste in Tondar's mouth, it has become obvious that today is a bad day to be poor. So word to the wise: It's best to bunker down and save your money for the day because Tondar's sense of charity decided to sleep in and probably won't make it to work today. Probability of tears: 68%

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

GRACELESS IN GRACELAND

The other morning I caught Lisa Marie Presley's video on CMT. For being the daughter of The King, she neither rocks nor rolls but she does have a strong perpensity to suck. The song was some sort of screaching electronic dance thing with a touch of bitter-crappy Alanis thrown into the mix. But in a VH1 twist of fate CMT neglected the fact that the Princess of Rock and Roll CAN'T SING. I'm surprised CMT would sink as low as viacom (MTV and VH1 parent company). How bad is her singing? Well, normally when a singer sucks they double track the vocals so the harmonies hide all the notes that aren't quite perfect. In Lisa Marie's case they must have quadrupple tracked her vocals twice because it sounds like there are about 8 of her screaching and howling like a dying banshee. On top of that, for some reason none of them can hit the same note at the same time its a cacaphony of angst and suck directed at Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage (both of whom, I now pity). Now I find all of this pretty shocking since I am a big fan of her dad. You think she would have had SOME of his voice, or at the very least the forsight to take singing lessons before coming out of the Neverland Bad-Touch Daycare center and the Nicolas Cage school of overacting, to release an album. If the rest of the album is anything like the first single then it will have a bright future in the bargain bin of every gas station along highway 40. Though I doubt it will be that lucky since alot of the songs have a spiritual message. But hold on cowpokes, her message is not spiritual like her dads "Amazing Grace" or "Thou Art Great." You see, Lisa Marie is a member of the church of Scientology. Yes the same church of Scientology that has their holybook written by L. Ron Hubbard (Dianetics) and prophets such as John Revolta (both of whom got together for the suckfest known as Battlefield Earth). But if you are thinking I'm being too hard on her you should check out the FOX 411. Not only do they rip her a new one, they also stick it to the aforementioned John Revolta for his latest debacle "Basic." Oh, Foxnews you certainly do have your finger on the pulse of America.
YEZA LOGO I

Well, after a round of emails it seems that Yeza-Corp. has a new logo for its business card. I have to admit the original block design is very sold. I also admit that the alternative Tondar design is not as "business friendly" as I had first anticipated. Now if only more than 4 of us had jobs we might actually find a practical application for the cards.
YEZA LOGO II

This email is from the creator of the new Yeza logos. As you can tell he's not a fan of Ole Tondar. But you have to give him props for realizing the alternate Yeza logo even if he is an old stick in the mud UM engineer (01010101101100100101). Oh well, VIVA LA YEZA ...

Dave,

I prepared two rough attempts at a logo, one with your yellow/blue idea, and one with a starkly different color scheme. Either can be easily swapped to accomodate whatever colors you like.


I included the aforementioned "Block Y" design, which I created in about 5 minutes. It's a butchered block M (intentionally) with a dash of Yale block Y throw in.

I could export any of these to the desired graphic format, so holla at cha dog. (That means 'let me know' Dave)

I then embarked on a almost 2 hour mission to realize Tony's creative vision. Now I'm usually the last to humor Tony's sickness, but i
wanted to do this one...."for yeza".

Big Bird and Al Sharpton both appear in living color, in both logos. I chose the most logical location, Livonia Stevenson High School
(Alma Matter of Sackett-Giancola, co-founders) as the backdrop. This is where the similarities end.

Of the two logos: The first is pretty much a de-facto presentation. I chose a childlike handwriting font, and used a cartoonish lightning bolt. For the second, I added a realistic lightning bolt, and a more adult handwriting font. I thought that really 'hipped' it up a notch. Either is suitable for framing. Email me for enlargements/originals.

Ultimately, making a reasonable business card is impossible with Tony's ideas (assuming I have created a reasonable mock-up). Any of the other three could be suitably adapted, but the scale and ultimate appearance of Tony's design (not to mention the language), compromise the professional demeanor one usually tries to convey with a business card.
YEZA LOGO III

These are the two emails that inspired the creation of the 2 Yeza Logos. I wouldn't mind having a TShirt with any of those designs...

I I've been thinking recently about getting a Yeza business card, and I was thinking of a logo. I think it should be yellow in color. What about a bird? Do you know of any good yellow birds? Or maybe a lighning bolt? Or what if we had a bird with a lightning bolt through it?
>
>Dave

The perfect logo would show Big Bird (because he's a yellow bird)drinking a bottle of XXX liquor with one hand and shooting electricity at Rev. Al Sharpton with the other. And then below Bigbird have the phrase "It poop again" written in brown little kid writing.

Just think, it would still be cooler than my business card. BLARG! :(

Your eligibility specialist,

Tondar

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

IRAQI INFO MINISTER I

In case you haven't been getting your daily dose of Iraq's (mis)Information Minister: Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, somebody has dedicated an entire website to his foul-mouthed rants. Be sure to check out MSS in "history" and "hollywood." But you know it makes you wonder...What if Dark Lord Denise had a minister of Information. I can almost see it now...

"There is nobody having sex with Denise at this hour."

"Denise is a chaste and decent woman and would not dream of a 5-way gang-bang. These are lies put forward by the imperialist media and the infadel Bush Jr."

"You are having YOUR salad tossed."

Finally, I could get things done instead of constantly defending my mother from these vicious untruthities.
IRAQI INFO MINISTER II

These are some of his best quotes...

"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"

"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."

"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!"

"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."

The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."

"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."

Oh no, not our shovels! I just don't understand why Bush hasn't surrendered. We are obviously being slaughtered. This is a sad day for Information Ministers everywhere.
JOB POSTING

Since Iraq has fallen I am offering a job to former Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. During the day he will answer my phones and curse the poor. At night he will become "Spokesperson" for the Monkey Republic of the Love Grotto. I am willing to pay $.30 an hour (a fair and righteous wage) in addition to room and board at my house. Philosopher King Mr. Mojo has also offered to pledge 3 pieces of candy a day. Mr. al-Sahaf I don't think you will be able to find a better offer.
PIGPEN ON ESPN

"Since ranting about the Wings, and you about the Pistons. I've come to realize even more clearly that ESPN is no better at sports and sport opinions than any retard off the street. Peter Gammons is about the only solid anything that they have - even he's a tad on the shaky side. The whole clan tends to be like elementary kids with their picks. Something "I like the Lakers because they have Shaq and he was in my favorite movie, Kazaam". Or the obvious Ducks connection with the Disney movie that I don't need to get into. I'm surprised they aren't all over the Jets every year because Joe Nameth played there once upon a time and his spirit...blah blah blah. So does Willy Mays Hayes and Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn really play for the Indians?

Ugh, I feel like my grandma ranting about how "Dick Richards (Bozo the Clown) is a son-of-a-bitch". Oh how I hate ESPN in all their sports glory." (Tondar's Italics.)
PIGPEN ON THE WINGS

This is a tough one. It's not that the Wings are playing bad, they're not.
How do you crack a goal tender? Everyone knows that even the greats like Roy can be taken out back and pummeled and embarassed on any given night (look
at his last game in MTL and last years series). Is the defense carrying the
load by making the Wings shoot long or is this kid the only strong link in
an otherwise average franchise? Of course ESPN rallies on the assumption
that this kid is hockey's goalie messiah and Dave Lewis is inept because
he's a "rookie" coach. He's only a rookie coach due to formalities, I don't
have to tell you that he's been there since the late 80's. Nevertheless, the
blaming and dynastic mudslinging ensue. Media analysts won't be content
until the all-star club is knocked down a peg and some bonehead goalie has a
high profile burp in his career. This is all too familiar with net minders,
I can think of 6 off the top of my head in the last 10 years that were the
biggest thing going: Irbe, Khabiboulin (sp), that chick in Tampa (I know it
was 1 game), Richter, Vanbiesbrouck ( I know he's retired) and finally Norm
Maracle ( he was nicknamed "Ticker" right?). If I'm mistaken about Maracle,
I'm talking about the guy in Det a few years ago with the heart condition
that posted 2 shut outs in his first two games, then went nowhere. I'm sure
there's more, like Snow and Turco bu I felt that they are solid, but never
were paraded around. I'm off the topic of this rant, I simply want to know
what the problem is because I don't think that the Duck's are playing on the
ice better than the wings, just in the crease. 137 shots on net in 3 games
is not comming from a middle of the pack caliber team. Further more it is
still being said that they fell apart during a supposed easy win over Chi
for the top spot in the west. What they forget is that no matter how good
Det is or how bad Chi is, or Tor, Phi, NY and Bos, original 6 matchups are
dog fights where the skill of the teams involved don't really factor in.
This is true for all 6, but especially true for Det/Chi games.
In true rantation notation - all of this could have been summed up by saying
the wings make me nervous, they're playing good, but there's something
missing. Most of all though the analysts, especially ESPN are too biased
against a teams that are NOT a peice of crap, not COL, or not in the Eastern
Confrence.
Pig out, angry and exhausted from ranting

THE EMOTION OF IT ALL

First I felt bamboozled. Then I was in shock. And then I felt angry, very very angry.

Monday, April 14, 2003

AMERICAN IMPERIALISM

Here's a thinly veiled criticism of the United States and Bush Administration disguised as a political science article about American hegemony/imperialism. If you're not so sure, you need not look farther than the source: it's from both CNN and the NY TIMES (nothing like the most biased sources of news coming together). This article discusses how international percepetion has been weary of America's "War on Terror". However, in typical CNN/NYTimes fashion their historical perspective forgets a vital piece of information: Weapons of Mass Destruction. The article views the world in the traditional Post-Westphalian ideas of state interaction and hegemony, but does not take into account the post-modern world of nuclear and biological weapons capable of killing millions in a single accident or attack. Also note the politically incorrect terms used to describe America such as nationalism, imperialism, and preemption. Nice try, but Tondar knows bad Poly Sci when he reads it.
BACK 2 BACK

For the second straight year the Pistons have won the Central Division, thus assuring them the #1 or at worst #2 seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. This came last night after a 110-107 2 OT win at Memphis. The Pistons are currently tied with New Jersey for the best record in the east but hold the tie-breaker with more head to head wins. Meanwhile, if you look at ESPN's NBA page the always inept Peter May has a column about why the Pacers are "on pace"(Oh how clever he took the name of the team and used it in the title of his column! Yes, that is so witty. You see it's the name of the team but also can be used to describe their play. Oh that Peter May, you have to watch out for that clever word-smith, especially when he uses words with two meanings so effectively! ho ho ho.) to win the Eastern Conference (which is now mathematically impossible unless you work for ESPN and don't know numbers). More proof that the Pistons will never get any respect from ESPN, the sports leader.
HOCKEY FEVER

It seems that Tondar, Seth, and Pigpen are not the only ones suffering this horrible disease. There's going to be alot of tired people tomorrow morning. Let's just hope that they aren't both tired AND angry. DAMN YOU REDWINGS...WIN!