Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

DUMBS WATCH

So we were on our way to see Arby's this afternoon and we decided to stop by Fingerly Lumber. Well Guess who was working? That's right, DUMBS. We chatted it up for abit and I guess he is still living with Viking Lenny. It was nice to see him, though it was kinda weird since he's all growed up. But nevertheless, I would like to hangout with him one of these nights because I'm sure he's just a few beers away from tossing me through another wall.
HOW OLD IS TONDAR?

I was just telling Jason about last night and it doesn't seem like a big deal individually but combined it makes you ask: How old is Tondar? Especially since, I got in a food fight with Nancy, then I went with James to egg his ex-girlfriend's house. And then this afternoon I threwup all over myself at Arby's. It wasn't very much but always remember kids slowdown when you eat your Arby's or your hangover heartburn can really come back to haunt you.
NANCY WATCH

So last night ole Tondar was going to a party with the kids and I got jumped by Nancy. He started beating me with a bamboo plant that he claimed I killed. Well after I screamed him down I made him wear his late night romlette. He didn't take that too well but in the words of Dumbs "DEAL WITH IT!"

Friday, April 25, 2003

COMMAN-DAR

Well ole Tondar got one day into the weekend and I realized I forgot to pack extra underwear. So if I run into you this weekend, know that everytime I hug you I'm not sporting skibbies. AND NO I DON'T WANT TO BORROW A THONG!
NEW CAREER?

I was thinking about how much I hate my job today and I decided to get a new one. I am going to form a country super group with Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, Garth Brooks and myself. If anyone knows how to get in touch with gentlemen to inform them they are now in my band please email me. Also if anybody has a name for our band please email me, I am open to suggestions. (NO, I will not name the band Stalins' Sluts).

Thursday, April 24, 2003

MATT GUOKAS ROCKS

ESPN should take a look at the reporting from MSNBC's Matt Guokas. He gives a solid analysis of how to beat the Lakers without blowing smoke up the ass of Shaq and Kobe. In fact, he takes it a step further and points out their weaknesses. You would never see ESPN or CNNSI talking about how Shaq's dominence has allowed him to become lazy and complacent in the transition game or how Kobe's defense is too tenacious and could possibly lead to foul trouble. It makes you wonder if ESPN even knows the difference between man to man and zone defense. Probably not, but I'm sure they would agree that Memphis should win the NBA Title because those green uniforms are stylin'.
MADONNA'S CAREER: 1983-2001 R.I.P.

After 2002's techno-turd song "Die Another Day," it seems Madonna has followed it up with an album of suck. Check out the Fox 411 on her new album wholesaling at basement prices. In the words of Dumbs--"Careers over! Guess you shouldn't have shown your cooter so much!"

Also, scroll down to see a review of the very cool new X-Men movie. Looks like there is still no Beast or Gambit though. :(
DEAR DAR...

From time to time people ask me for advice. I thought I would share one especially touching question I got with the world.

Dar,

Somehow I've become caught between the moon and new york city....Iknow it's crazy but it's true. I've heard that the best that I can do is fall in love. Is that correct?

Well to a certain extent I would say that this is true, but keep in mind that you can make the runner stumble. It is possible to make the final block. Like an all star, you can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle and you may even make all the stadiums rock. One could make tonight forever or possibly make it disappear by the dawn. But don't forget to make every promise that has ever been made while saying to the demons "be gone." So in the end you must confess: "I'm never gonna make it without you," while throwing in a hint of sexy desperation by adding: "do you really want to see me crawl?" Because bottom line my friend: I'm never going to make it like you do, Making love out of nothing at all.

BACK ON TRACK

Last night the Detroit Pistons tied up their series with the Orlando Magic 89-77. Game 2 was much better to watch because the Pistons actually looked like themselves. Tracy McGrady did have another big game but, that's quite alright since he can't score more than 89 points alone. The most surprising thing in this game was the play of Tayshaun Prince. He was able to shutdown McGrady in the 4th quarter allowing the Pistons to hold on for the win. Also take a look at the boxscore and note how 5 Pistons were in double figures, Ben Wallace played like the Defensive MVP that he is, and the bench made a huge contribution. I'm glad to see the Pistons are back winning again.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

BY APPOINTMENT ONLY

So ole Tondar is eating lunch and the phone rings. Well I was in no mood for jibba-jabba so I let it go to voicemail. Turns out it was my client, "Angry Immigrant" and she had come for her alleged 1pm appointment. Since I didn't know about this appointment and I don't like her, I wasn't going to see her so she could yell at me in broken English. Well I guess that pissed her off since she had to drop everything that she was not doing and come to this "appointment." In retrospect, I'm not even sure why she came in, all she had to do was send in some bills. Though I'm not surprised. This woman has quite the history of boobery. She is the same woman that showed up for her foodstamp interview without completing ANY of the paperwork. So not only is she a liar, but she's also an idiot.
ROBODOG

Check out this story about a dog that won't die. It's kind of like Chris Farley trying to punchout Matthew Perry in Almost Heroes. "Ouch, what was that for?"
JOBBY JOB

Well congrats to Seth for finding a job. If he can do it there is hope for all of us yet. On top of that it seems Seth has made some weekend plans for the demolition of Nancy's stomping ground...

"We need to celebrate fat monkey-Jew getting a JOB!
So what better place to come celebrate it than good ol'
'Tondar-hasn't-lived-here-very-long' 308. Damn the Nancy!
Save 308. Take back what's rightfully ours! Let SBP save
your soul!"


I know Tondar's down!
CARMINA TELEFONO II

Same as yesterday, I was listening to Carmina Burana this morning and I get another phone call during the same song. The only difference was the call came about 30 seconds later. At least this was a very nice man with a simple question, but you don't want to hear about me being nice. :) Nevertheless, I still think fortune is trying to tell me to get a new job.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Kashif Ali--I'm probably the 7 of spades on the Iraqi's 55 most wanted.


Tuesday, April 22, 2003

HOPE NETWORK ALLIES

I was in the bathroom this morning and I ran into a clean/freshly bathed member of our janitorial staff today (no snail trail could be seen or smelled). And during the course of our small talk he started telling me about what happened yesterday in the filing office. Well I guess they had been storing files in a trashcan next to the door and in a friendly bid to help, a member of the Hope Network cleaning crew had taken these out to the dumpster. Since this mistake was not discovered until today, my hat goes off to the Hope Network for losing 50 cases. It seems ole Tondar has found an ally that is willing to do the dirty work that I can't.
CARMINA TELEFONO

I was just working quietly listening to the opera Carmina Burana when the phone rang. Once again another damn social worker is arbitrarily on hold while I post. However, I find this one rather ironic since I was at a point in the music where the lyrics are...

Fate is against me
in health
and virtue,
driven on
and weighted down,
always enslaved.


I'm beginning to think that poor people and their agents must have developed a sense of tragecal theatrics since they always seem to call at the most oppurtune times to piss me off! Fortune rota volvitur: descendo minoratus :(
CAPTAIN IMPULSE-BUY

Well last night ole Tondar went to Media Play to pick up a Debussy CD. Well one thing led to another and I ended up coming home with a Bruce Springsteen CD, a PS2 game, 2 DVDs, and a box of razors but no Debussy CD. In the words of Shania: "DAMN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!"
BUSTING ASS

Well ole Tondar is not feeling well. I should be coming down with something on Friday. That means I'm going to be busting my ass trying to get all my work done. It will be interesting to see how far ahead I get when I spend most of my day working instead of reading. But it also means there will be fewer posts since I won't be taking the time to read or write. But don't worry there will still be poor people updates if need be.

Monday, April 21, 2003

CONCERT WATCH

Wesley Willis
Intersection Grand Rapids, MI
Thu, 05/08/03

Yes, rockover London, rock on Chicago INDEED!
KALIMATXO NIGHT EXPLAINED

In the fall of 2001 Tuesday was declared Kalimatxo night for one week only. During this night a group of Phi Psis stayed up to 4am drinking Richard's Wild Irish Rose kalimatxos and listening to Neil Diamond. Why? Because it seemed the natural thing to do. After we recovered from our 2 day hangover we decided to never do that again (never being about a year and a half). However, it all makes sense now why Neil Diamond and the Richard's go so well together. The answer is found in the Neil Diamond song "Cracklin' Rosie," which was written about drunken indians that couldn't find dates on the reservation. This is a strange coincidence since during that Kalimatxo night we were a group of UM guys (with no girls), we listened to Neil Diamond, James was dating his indian squaw, and after we got drunk we decided to pass out smallpox blankets at the greektown casino.
DON'T LIE TO THE DAR

Turns out under SER policy 102 page 1. I can deny free money for anybody that "does not provide truthful information within their ability." First off that's bad grammer, but I don't write the rules. Second, I now have a legitimate reason to stick it to every deadbeat that comes to see me because if there is one stereotype that holds up (yes there certainly are pretty girls on welfare) it's that all poor people are liars. Especially the ones that want help with rent but don't tell you that they live in government subsidized housing. Diz..Diz...DIZNIED BIZNATCH!! DEAL WITH IT!
2 REASONS DTE CAN SUCK IT

This morning I had to call Michigan's monopolized gas company so I could use YOUR tax dollars to cover the irresponsibility of a couple of my "consumers." Well first off since DTE is a monopoly they can get away with having the worst customer service. After waiting on hold for a loooooooong time some crabcake answered and started bitching because I knew nothing of their shutoff policies. How am I supposed to know that? I'm responsible, not poor and stupid! On top of that she would only let me investigate 1 account at a time, so I had to call back. Needless to say I hung up on her ass and hit redial. It was a small victory in a lost war. I wish I could have had HER name and case number so I could have turned her foodstamps off just for spite. Secondly, why does DTE have to advertise (DTE Energy theater, formerly Pine Knob)? Since they are a monopoly there is no alternative for business. It's not like we can simply use the "other" gas company we are SOL and forced to use a tax sucking monopoly for all our heating needs. UGH! They are on my list.
ISIAH THOMAS: WORST COACH EVER

I'm not sure how Isiah Thomas ever got another NBA job after the mess he made in Toronto. But for some reason he was hired to coach the Indiana Pacers after Larry Bird retired. And what a horrible job he has done! After allowing Ron Artest to become the biggest cry-baby in NBA history he has now taken his coaching to new lows when he allowed Paul Pierce to beat the Pacers at home. Now anybody who has watched basketball in the last 10 years knows that you let Reggie Miller play in the clutch. But for some reason as this close game was winding down, Miller wasn't even on the court. The only way the Pacers are going to be successful is if they fire Isiah and bring in a coach that actually knows the game. I'm glad I'm not a Pacers fan.
PISTONS DEBACLE

The worst part of the weekend was the Pistons 99-94 loss to Orlando. Just like game one with the Red Wings this was a fluke. For some reason the shots weren't dropping, so the Pistons were shooting 31.6% while Orlando shot 47.4%. Both teams had 76 shots. What bothered me the most was that Detroit had departed from its large rotation and utilization of a deep bench. I'm not sure what coach Carlisle was doing but Okur, Atkins, Barry, and Rebracca had little to no playing time. Outside the chance this is a repeat of the Wings debacle, I'm not worried and still look for the Pistons to win in 5 or 6 games. They will settle down and start playing proper Pistons basketball while Wallace and the offense will find its groove.