Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, May 09, 2003

SCAVANGER-DAR

Well today we had an emergency staff meeting. I guess the Quiet black Girl that works next to me has resigned her job for "personal" reasons. So being the concerned worker that I am, I immediately went and swapped chairs with her and rummaged through her office for other goodies. My butt is thanking me as I type this. Quiet Girl, you won't be missed.
CAT'S OUTTA THE BAG

Well it seems that ESPN has finally figured out that Mehmet Okur is a darn good player. I figured this would catch up with him during the playoffs especially considering the way he came on strong towards the end of the season (remember his manhandling of the Lakers). ESPN doesn't mention this, but in alot of ways he's like Sam Perkins. He's a big guy that likes to step out and shoot the 3. That is always something very dangerous for opposing defenses especially when they have to worry about a Williamson or Robinson in the post. But you can forget about coverage because ESPN doesn't care if it's not slamma-jamma in yo face action.
DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME

For future reference do not call me while suffering from an attitude problem. This is especially true if you are old and bitchy. I have had problems with old ladies my whole life and I don't take kindly to their cranky-sass-ass. I could have very easily called over to her landlord and gotten the necessary information but now because of Gramma's refusal to remove the broomstick from her ass, I'm going to outbitch her, thus making it her responsibility to get me everything for HER case. Also during that phone conversation she was upset that she didn't get a medicaid card for the month. But since she brought this up in such a crabby way I had to smugly remind her with a sneer in my voice saying: "Well I guess you haven't been reading the letters we send you because if you had, you would know that we don't send out monthly medicaid cards. You have to use the permanent plastic one the letter mentioned." It is said that there's a speedbump on the road to dying old and alone, it's called Tondar. Be advised to deal with it.
PREGNANT GUT?

So I had to walk by the disgusting pregnant girl to get to the printer when I saw her massive disgusting gut. Now since I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, how exactly does the gut work? She is wearing jeans and I'm pretty sure there is no elastic involved. Now this girl isn't a Monica with Krispy Creme Donuts sharing space with her larva (though she did probably get knocked up to land her man forever and ever). This girl has a pretty nice body (It's a shame she doesn't have the face or attitude to match) and isn't really packing on the pounds so does the baby come out perpendicular to the body or does it form a hanging gut like Ganch might have? If anybody knows please email me so I can be anatomically corrected.
TRINI'S BIG DISSAPOINTMENT

So the other night I went out to Downtown Trini's and had their "Big Nasty" burrito. Now the last time I had this it was as big as my head and loaded with marinated chicken, steak, and beef. I was disgustingly full for the rest of the day afterwards but it was oh so good. In fact, it was the best burrito I have ever had. Well this time around the thing was pretty dinky and instead of steak was filled with pot-roast beef. I was so dissapointed especially as much as that damn thing costs. On top of that they put sugar ALL OVER the margarita glasses. We had a crabby waitress and they charged us for the basket of chips. Needless to say I was very dissapointed and probably won't be back unless it's all you can eat taco night where I intend to take them to the cleaners with 20 or more. Teach those bastards to get lazy.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

When Tondar decides to bring it, it gets broughten.
WHY I MUST STOP DRINKING

I'm about one pink slip away from becoming Tucker Max. Think about it: I drink too much, I do stupid things, I make fun of people that are different, and worse I pick fights with girls, especially fat girls. These are a bit lengthy but worth the time.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

JORDAN FINALLY SUCKS

Pistons fans have waited over a decade for this moment but it is finally here. The last time Jordan sucked was when he lost in 7 games to the Pistons in the 1990 Eastern Finals. Well now he has been fired by the Washington Wizards. During his run as personel director he had a horrible record of 110-179. Probably the best part of him being fired is the hissy fit he threw including curse words and a "thanks for nothing" retort. Oh to be a fly on the wall and watch his eyes fill up with tears and see his lips quiver as he was escorted from the building. ha HA!

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

CHAIRMAN MAO IN THE 7/11

Check out Dennis Miller's rant in the Opinion Journal baby. It reminds me of Strom Thurmond having a very Brady Kwanza while Danny Bonaducci and Pol-Pot are looking on saying "Just put a bag over her head and pretend it's Adlai Stevenson."
ASS CASE

So there is this family. Real stinking piece of White Trash (capital W. capital T.) And they have been harassing me to give them all the freebies under the sun because heaven forbid you should have to work to get money because if you're stupid enough the government will just give it right back to you. Well I'm working on their case right now and the damn thing smells like ass. It is really something quite ranc. It smells like a mixture of cigarettes, dirt, and the smell of general ass that permeates only society's nastiest and poorest people. How do I know it's a poor smell? Take 308 E. William that place is freakin' dump. Sure it may smell like beer or Asian puke but it doesn't quite have the shuddering effect that the smell of poor has. It's a stink all to itself.
THE PHANTOM FAMILY

It is a rarity but we have finally caught one of the bastards ripping off the state. Most of the time its a little fib here or there and we are not allowed to punish them for breaking laws. However, this goes well beyond not telling me you have a job, or that grandma gets 600 in social security. This one created a child on paper that never existed in flesh. Since this child had a social security number they were able to get SSI cash and also state of Michigan Family assistance cash. From the looks of things it seems this guy is going to do some jail time, which is funny because Tim Robbins pulled the same fraud on his way out of jail.
PIGPEN ON THE PISTONS

"So Sport Center this morning did a horrible job covering the highlights of
the game last night. Going on and on about Iverson -"who can contain
him?","Can Hamilton do it?", "A-I taking Det to school!" and so forth.
Meanwhile I think they showed all of the 87 sixers points, 2 Det buckets
including the sweet sequence in the 4th where Okur blocked the shot and then
got the dunk on the transition. Although nothing was said about the lead
that the pistons maintained the whole game and the end of the reel was ended
with pretty much "oh yeah, and the pistons won". Then they went on to do a
breakdown of Iverson. What kind of crappy coverage...wait I know the answer
to that question."

ESPN loves their superstars and besides who wants to watch sound defensive play when you can have losing slamma jamma in yo face action. Fatty mookie Mo' booty, indeed.
WORST INTERVIEW EVER

Check this column from Maureen Dowd of the NYTimes talking about a new HBO show where an idiot interviews famous people. Some of the banter is pretty funny though I would say this article belongs in arts and entertainment not the Editorial Op/Ed page. Also has anyone seen this "Ali G" show on HBO? If so, I'm wondering when it's on and if it's any good.
MAYHEM AT THE PALACE

The Pistons won game 1 against Philadelphia last night 98-87. But at what cost? Chauncey Billups sprained his ankle and is still questionable for game 2. According to the boxscore he was second in scoring for Detroit with 24 points. This would be a serious blow especially since he was such a key force in helping the Pistons overcome the 1-3 deficit against Orlando. Mehmut Okur also added 16 points on 7-7 shooting from the field. He was the difference that Philadelphia was not expecting. The game also had a lighter side though as msnbc reports:

Notes: There was a 19-minute delay at 7:51of the first quarter
because the overhead lights at The Palace went out. “A breaker
was tripped, just like what happens in a house,” Pistons spokesman
Matt Dobek said. ... Detroit’s local television network lost its video
and audio signal during the power outage, but play-by-play
announcer George Blaha continued to call the action via telephone.
ESPN and Philadelphia’s television network did not have their broadcasts interrupted.

The Pistons would have had another 2 points but I guess if you shoot after the lights go out it doesn't count. This power outage really killed a Pistons run that had put them up 8-4.


Tuesday, May 06, 2003

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tomorrow check back to see the story of the Phantom Family. This one has blown my mind at just how clever this person is. We're talking Tim Robbins from the "Shawshank Redemption" style smart.
MADE MY DAY

The link says it all http://tardblog.com/. It seems I have a kindred spirit out there.
LORD OF THE RINGS

Here is a pretend commentary for the "Fellowship of the Ring" DVD courtesy Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn (yes the extremely liberal political columnists). There were in fact a few articles that made some of these points (yes, seriously) after the release of "The Two Towers." Though this is so wrong I'm surprised they didn't have contribution from Seth too. Though he probably would have insisted that everybody listen to Norah Jones instead of the movie. Money quote from the link:

Zinn: Well, you know, it would be manifestly
difficult to believe in magic rings unless everyone
was high on pipe-weed. So it is in Gandalf's
interest to keep Middle Earth hooked.

Monday, May 05, 2003

SANTORUM AND THE CHURCH

Check out this priest's article regarding Rick Santorum and his stance on the sodomy case. According to the Church his argument was perfectly moral and correct. This article raises two points that I think are forgotten in the rush to condemn Sen. Santorum for being un-P.C. First, is the point to love the sinner and hate the sin. Secondly, the legal position of the Church and Santorum are very strong since the basis for the anti-sodomy law is found in God's Natural Law and has been part of the value system of western morality originally being derived from Jewish law. Though on the other hand I do find a bit disturbing that they would prosecute this crime. In a way it kind of reminds me of Frank's totalitarian world from his screenplay, "Handjob Police."
ECONOMICS AT WORK

Check out this interesting article (courtesy Frank) from the NYTimes that discusses the hitchhiking/carpooling system that has developed in Washington D.C. Since people need extra passengers to ride in the fast lane this system has developed on its own without any government or authority to help people cut their commute time by 1/3. Probably the most amazing thing about "slugging" is the unspoken rules regarding this strange exchange of services. I will have to keep these in mind when riding to work with the Dark Lord.
CAN'T TAKE ME ANYWHERE

Once again this Saturday night I was added to somebody's enemy list. This time I was at a bar in East Lansing and I was just about to go when these bigguns started throwing beer or ice or something wet in my hair. So I went over and informed them: "You're gonna have to stop throwing things. You're too big for love, so just knock it off!" Well I guess they took this personnally so one of the gargantuans chased me out of the bar trying to shove and pinch me. Stupid fat girl, I didn't have any ham in my pocket!
COLD CATCH PHRASE OF THE WEEK

Sure we all love phrases like "bling-bling," or Snoop Doggs "Fo' Shisel," or Dumb's "DEAL WITH IT." But what if you're Uncle Mingo and your catch phrase doesn't go over well? That's where Tondar steps into make fun of you and "Fatty Mookie Mo' Booty." Though personally, I thought it would refer to a weekend in Ann Arbor not a sucky album.
KEEPING THE COOTER CLEAN

It seems the loud girl in the cubicle next to me has a problem besides no control over THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE!! Last Friday after I had turned off my computer and packed up for the day I heard her confiding in a friend: "I don't know, but I've been getting alot of yeast infections lately." My immediate response was a stiffled giggle but then I got to thinking, who would discuss such matters at work? Secondly, who would not think to whisper such an embarassing problem? Once again, more proof that I am in the wrong job.