Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, May 23, 2003

DON'T TAKE THE DEVILS TONIGHT

Today is not a good day if you are Martin Brodeur. He has to play a game 7 in the NHL Eastern Conference Finals knowing his wife has just filed for divorce. If I were to bet on this game I would not take Brodeur and the Devils. They are facing a game 7 on the road and their goalie came down with a serious case of "personal problems." About the only good part about this whole thing is the payoff when he goes to sell the movie rights. This would make a great romantic comedy.
A FEW DAYS LATE

Monday was the feast day of St. Celestine V. In honor of him check out these histories. They are both written about him, but each presents a totally different impression. Some saw him as a saintly hermit that was in over his head when he was elected pope. According to others (including Dante), Celestine V was a very holy man that fell victim to the medievel Italian politics of King Charles of Sicily and Boniface VIII. This is the same Boniface VIII that Nicholas III is awaiting in hell according to Dante's 19th Canto of the Inferno.
WHITNEY AND BOBBY NEED TIME-OUT

It seems R&B's most notorious couple has been mixing it up Vegas stye. Check out the FOX 411. It looks like Whitney Houston's nose candy has taken care of that pesky cartilage, while Bobby Brown has been going Ocean's 11 at the Bellagio. Ya see what drugs do to ya!
PIGPEN ON VIACOM

For those of you that have or at one time had digital cable it is no secret that M2, MTV Jam, VH1 Classic et al. are the only bastions of non-country videos left. After the call to attention by the "I hate Viacom" post I got to thinkin... Viacom, AT&T and AOL Time-Warner hold the majority of cable and digital cable "interests" in this country so it would stand to reason that by loading the least profitable arm of pay TV with crap TV, which is targeted at the 12-18 demographic anyway. Thus reserving the "bread and butter" that people want to see and used to see for the pricier (more "exclusive") cable options that benefit every conglomerate involved monetarily. There must be some sort of backroom style programming/profiteering collusion going on. The worst part is that they are pandering to idiots, and are getting the desired results. My brother is an idiot - not debatable he is! Everything in his world comes to a screeching halt when those horrible excuses for hip reality dramas come on. Namely I'm talking about MTV's rediculous Sorority/Fraternity Life. He lives for that garbage and could care less about videos.

Now for a more coherent thought that just occured to me concerning this topic. Viacom is a TV conglomerate that to my knowledge remains outside of the news category (AOL Time-Warner owns CNN etc.). We are all of the age that we grew up with PBS childerens programming, however we also, I'm guessing hopped on the Nickelodeon a little bit as well. Remembering back I recall that there was NickJr aimed at the pre-school audiance and regular
Nickelodeon for the elementary/pre-teen crowd, with TV Land rounding out the
demographic all on the same cable station at various parts of the day -
leaving a huge gap in the 12-30 group. This split has since ceased and the
pre-school/orginal have been integrated into one day of programming leaving
the pre-school aimed programs being cut back extremely, and the TV Land area
has been given it's own stand alone channel. Yet the demographic vaccum of
everyones target audiance remains. This is where Viacom comes in, they
controlled the most important station of the key target and bought the
Nickelodeon and TV Land channels about 6-8 years ago thus completing the
entrie audience spectrum. VH1 was purchased 4-5 years ago after it was found
that they were stealing a share from MTV in the key area because VH1 was the
last remaining mainstream cable station thet provided non-country music
videos. By buying VH1 and moving they videos (which they can't cut off cold
turkey) to digital service only they can increase profit in the short term
while slowly fading out videos on the digital platform for more lucritive
non-video programming. This is already being seen with M2 and MTV Jams
playing "Diary's" and other music realted shows that aren't videos. This in
a way insures that the veiwers that they hooked in the early days remain
watching their mindless programming as well as provide jumping points for
new veiwers to progress up the Nickelodeon-MTV ladder as they get older. Who
else has noticed that CMT is starting to not play videos and TNN is now
entirely owned Viacom and not only is called The NATIONAL Network now. The
channel is getting an entire name change shortly to "Spike", who's sole
purpose is to be a male oriented channel in the same vain as "Lifetime" and
other women programming.

Please keep in mind that I don't think about this on a regular basis and that I don't think the government is trying to controll our minds or any of that conspiracy garble, this is just something that seems to be comming
up more and more. Soon all we'll be able to watch is Real World/Road Rules
Challange, WWF, and While You Were Out on cable. Used to be TNT was the only
station to run shows into the ground with the 70,000 hours of "A Christmas
Story" in a row, but they are quickly being usurped by MTV and the like
re-running 30 minute trendy people "hooking-up" in any possible way 8 times
a day everyday. The history channel is the last place I can call my TV home,
but even there I'm getting real tired of R. Lee Ermy and the building of the
Millenium Towers in Malaysia. Did everyone stop making new programs? I think
I might have left some things out concerning the MTVH1 "1984" style
programming approach, but feel free to talk amongst yourselves. Oh yeah,
Viacom just bought Comedy Central about a month ago.

Lets all bask in televisions warming glow, glowing warmth
BEST CASE SCENARIO

Despite the NBA conspiracy that is sending New Jersey to the Finals, Thursday was still very good for the Pistons. During last night's draft lottery the Pistons were able to secure the number 2 overall pick from the Memphis Grizzlies. This was in exchange for their 1997 Otis Thorpe trade. This year the Pistons were the best team in the east winning 50 games. If you add a number 2 pick to that team, things will be looking very good for years to come. Sources say the Pistons will probably take Darko Milicic or Carmello Anthony, if they decide to keep the pick instead of trading it to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett. Personally I would take Darko because the Pistons need the inside rebounding help that Clifford Robinson lacks. Overall, this was the best case scenario for the Pistons since this year's draft was so deep and the fact that Memphis would keep their own pick if it were number one over all.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

TONDAR'S A LIBERAL!

Well at least a classic liberal. Check out this history of the term liberal to see how it has been corrupted over the last century. It makes some great points but goodluck trying to convince Americans that being labeled a liberal is a good thing. Hannity and Rush have run that term into the ground.
DREAMING OF REALITY TV

FROM JAMES: "last night had the strangest dream. i was hanging out with tres, jason, and ben. we went to see some weird band that the trio liked. and on the way somebody mentioned a new reality show. the idea was so killer. its called "the olympians" or something like that. a bunch of men compete in 10 categories for a prize. a woman or money or something. the first 5 categories are physical. greco roman wrestling, olympic style boxing (with pads and points and shit), foot race, javelin, and maybe something a little brutal like pankration. The next 5 would be the mental challenges. write poetry, make a sculpture, paint a picture, solve a riddle or puzzle, and something else. perhaps there would be a final 11th challenge: run through a labrynth. Each week would present a different challenge that would require a week's worth of effort or training and conditioning. to win you'd need to be a modern renaissance man. then ben fell out of an open ground floor window and everybody laughed."

This sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe they could even through in an American Idol ripoff portion where the people have to sing or perform. This is why they have to break up Viacom, NBC, and FOX. We need more shows like this and "Shouldn't Have Gone Out."
I HATE VIACOM

Ever try to watch videos on VH1 or MTV lately? Well probably not since nobody watches between 2 and 8 am. But if by chance you do happen to catch a video you may be surprised by the level of suck. For some reason the channels that decide what is cool have been running pop-punk and Justin Timberlake into the ground. If you're sick of that kind of monopoly then you may be interested in William Safire's column about the decision facing the FCC. It seems they are trying to liberalize merger rules so networks can suck up more competition ensuring there is only crap to watch on TV. Let's hope this vote is a turning point and they start breaking up the information monopoly that has turned MTV and VH1 into a suckfest.
NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE

This is day 2 of my personal boycott of all phone calls that don't come from within the building. However, I have noticed a few problems. For future reference: please leave a professional sounding message for all personal phone calls. If you are calling for business reasons please go to hell.
DR. JACK'S RX

The absolutely brilliant (and I don't throw that word around) Dr. Jack Ramsay has broken down the problem with the Pistons and I would agree with his observations. His prescription for getting things back on track however is easier said than done. Though, I do agree that they should put a body on Jason Collins when Ben Wallace floats to the middle to block shots. Detroit is getting killed on the boards and I personally blame their weakest link: Clifford Robinson. Maybe these tips will help tonight when they play game three tonight at 8:30 on ABC. Though the Pistons might be better off getting help from Captain Jack instead of Dr. Jack, because when the doctor writes a prescription for a team they get eliminated quickly thereafter. Right Indiana and Portland?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY RETARD?

So one of my retards had to go to the doctor to get some forms filled out for his medicaid. Well Captain "I'm disabled but I don't want free government money" was late for his appointment. Finally he was first found walking down Division by 28th street. Here, his social worker (from Touchstone Complaining Service) picked him up and drove him to the doctor. When they asked him to take off his clothes he threw a fit and walked out. However, after that his social worker couldn't find him. It seems he ran away because the doctor tried to touch him in places that made him feel uncomfortable. Probably the best part of the story is that the social worker left a very lengthy message on my machine letting me know that he lost his retard, as if I cared or it was my responsibility. I will keep you posted as I hear more.
THE NEW REPUBLIC TAKES A DUMP

I went to read The New Republic, (middle-left online magazine) this morning and boy was I pissed. Like some sort of porn site, the whole thing has turned into a pay site. They now want $20 a year for me to read their crappy articles. Now that's not really alot of money but compared to the freeness of the NYTimes, Andrewsullivan, and the National Review, it is a ripoff. I refuse to pay and I have placed the New Republic on my enemies list. I urge everybody to boycott The New Republic until it is free again.
MUZAQ ATTAQ

Since therre is no mens' room on the thirdfloor where I work (another reason why I hate this job), I have to go down to the second floor. Well yesterday, while I was taking care of business I noticed some very bad muzak coming from the bathroom closet. Since I'm used to insanity my first assumption was that one of the Hope Network cleanin' tards had locked himself in the closet to enjoy his new radio. Well actually the powers that be have decided to pump muzaq throughout the second floor and stairwells. I'm not sure what they are trying to do but I'm so glad I have Liszt instead of a synthesized version of "Walk Away Renee." I know the song. It is a good song, but somehow it sucks.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

NBA'S MAGICAL OFFICIATING

Hope you're ready for a flashy Dallas vs. a big market New Jersey NBA Final. That is exactly what David Stern has delegated to play out this year. Last year I was in Europe and missed that infamous game 7 between the LA Lakers and the Sacramento Kings where the Lakers bamboozled their way back to the Finals. But last night I witnessed first hand how the games are thrown by the officials to favor the predetermined winner. Last night ther were so many blown and fabricated calls against the Pistons it became obvious who was intended to win. The three most questionable calls were the technical fouls, the Jon Berry no-call, and the Chauncy Billups no call. First the two technicals came when the Pistons were arguing previous bad calls. There was no angry violent behavior, maybe a little whining but nothing worthy enough to give New Jersey the 6 points it gained from those blatant errors. Secondly, Jon Berry drives the lane knocking both Jefferson and himself down. How can this not be a foul? Players do not fall down without SOME violation of the rules. This could have easily gone either way but nothing was called except a technical foul on Jon Berry that became a New Jersey 3 pt play. Finally there is the no-call in the last second (I will ignore the New Jersey loose ball foul after their final shot went astray) where Billups shoots over Kidd. I can see that not being called in some games. But consistency demands that foul, especially considering Kidd got the same call earlier in the 4th when he threw his arm into Okur on a shot. Billups did take a bit of a flop on that shot, but there was definite contact on his forearm deserving of a foul. Now you may be asking yourself why Dallas vs. New Jersey in the Finals. Simply put, this matchup represents the maximization of possible revenue for the league. New Jersey being so close to New York is included in the nations number 1 market. San Antonio represents one of the smallest markets in the NBA (hence San Antonio only having one professional sports team). Secondly, Dallas and New Jersey represent an exciting up and down high offense style of play. Strong defense has always stratigically been better in the NBA but people and ESPN only enjoy fast paced slamma jamma in yo' face action. Detroit is an excellent team based on a slow meticulous grind it out approach that is stratigically sound, but boring to watch. This is why Detroit has to lose. But in how many games you ask? I am going to say 6. This will draw out the series increasing ticket and TV revenue and interest. It also allows New Jersey to have all three of their home games, so the Nets can cash in on extra ticket sales for their crowd of mostly businessmen. But in the end it puts New Jersey in the Finals with a loss to spare. I have always heard the rumours of NBA conspiracy, but until last night I never really believed them. *shaking head*

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

BROTHER DAR'S STATIONARY MEDICAID SHOW

The other day I got a new application for a Dominican nun that was applying for medicaid. Well I was so sick of people lying that I was very pleased to have a case where somebody told the truth. In fact, I was so pleased I offered to take every case from the nunnery. Well now it seems my wish has come true. But this is probably best for everybody involved. The Dominicans are good ladies and won't lie to rip off the state and piss me off. And ole Tondar can't be lazy with their cases since they will put a bad word in for me on the other side. It's a win-win situation that makes my job a little better.
CAPTAIN PISSY PANTS

There have been recent reports about a new bum that frequents the building here at Franklin and Madison. In traditional bum fashion he likes to talk to himself and wander the streets like a vampiric highwayman. But what makes this one so unique is the perpetual wet spot on his pants. The first time he was noticed was when he straddled the handicapped railing out front and slowly dragged his crotch down the entire length of the pole. When he turned around my coworkers were shocked (but not surprised) to see a masive wetspot on the front of his pants. After this he has been spotted numerous times but always with wet pants. It's pretty obvious what's going on there, but the mind boggler of it all is the fact that he constantly wallows in his own filth. Even animals know not to wallow in their own urine. It seems that he was even back today this time with his pant legs tucked into his socks with the majority of the wetness down around his ankles. I'm pretty sure the filth level at this job is going to turn me into an OCD handwasher.
TUCKER MAX or TONDAR

Here's a good line, can you guess who said it?

"You aren't hot enough to have this much self-respect."
DON'T ELECT GEPHARDT: HE'LL RAISE TAXES

If you woke up this morning wishing that you gave more of your money to the government then you should consider voting for Dick Gephardt in 2004. Though he is the only democrat with a legislative plan after election, it doesn't make it a good idea. Check out what Robert Novak has to say once he crunches the numbers on this bamboozlement of grand proportions. Hope you're not a family of 4 earning $40,000 a year because you my fat-cat friend are going to targeted for this tax hike. Just think, you could be paying an extra $1000 by 2010 if President Gephardt gets his way.
BAD NEWS

Last Thursday was a sad day in American music. Johnny Cash lost his wife June Carter Cash. Probably the most surprising thing is the fact that after all the drugs and hard livin' Johnny did, he still out-lived the woman that saved him from himself.
STICKING IT TO THE NYTIMES

In case you haven't been staying up on the news lately there's been a bit of a scandal at the NYTimes. However, Andrew Sullivan has provided us with another one of his masterful recaps. he may not add anything new, but his ability to paraphrase is second to none. He really captures the essence of Raines and his absurd liberal bias. It's one thing to lean one way politically, it's another thing to set up a corrupt dictatorship of the proletariat to further your own political views at the cost of one of the world's most prestigious newspapers.

Monday, May 19, 2003

THE LOST PATRICK EWING THEORY

Here is an article I found when I was in training last October. I lost the article after I read it and wasn't able to forward it on to anyone. But here it is, and I strongly recomend that EVERYBODY reads it regardless of whether or not you like sports. The Ewing Theory transcends sports and is really a metaphor for life. It can be applied to relationships, entertainment, and everything else. A TRUE MUST READ.
SIMMONS ON THE PLAYOFFS

Check out this article from ESPN's master wordsmith Bill Simmons. He takes rantation to another level. Here are my favorite quotes:

"Seriously, do you know ANYONE with HDTV? It's like watching a 3D movie without the glasses. I must have dropped 245 F-bombs during Game 2 of the Pacers-Celts series. Plus, they stuck their creepy HDTV cameras in the corners of the arenas, so it was like trying to watch a game with especially crappy seats"

"The Mavs are soft and their owner is a doofus."

"This was like the cast of "Seinfeld" saying after season four, "You know what, things are working great, we couldn't be more popular ... let's add Nipsy Russell to the cast! He'll take us to the next level!" I will never understand this until the day I die."

It's a shame the rest of the ESPN writers can't be as witty or edgey as Simmons.
ALTERNATE WMD THEORY

During my 90 minute lunch I came across this little gem from the National Review. It gives an alternate theory for why there haven't been any weapons of mass destruction found despite the intelligence and Powell's report to the contrary. The article believes that the reason no WMD have been found is because the Iraqi scientists didn't have the resources to make them and the balls to tell Sadam this fact. So they pretended to run a WMD program to fool Sadam and to prevent their own execution. It does make sense in a sort of post hoc reasoning. Though I am still willing to wait several months more for the proof. I have enough faith in the Bush Administration and the CIA to not drop the ball so dramatically.
DIVERSITY ON DEMAND

Do you want to be more diverse? Sure we all do! Take a look at this new service for the University of Michigan Alumnus/NYTimes editor in us all. Now you too can appear sensitive and multicultural to all your friends.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I drive a chevy but my other ride is your mom.
MR. ROBOTO

Speaking of Mr. Roboto, Friday night I was able to catch the Styx Video on VH1 classic. I'm not sure what to think. I know it sucked but there were so many levels of suck it is hard to know where to start ripping it apart. One moment that has left 3rd degree burns in my memory was when the robots all started dancing in unison as Dennis DeYoung (the only bandmember actually willing to show his face in the video) is screaming "thank you." Also it's ironic that DeYoung would lyrically suggest that "we all need control" when it was his tyranical control of Styx that ran the band into the ground back in 1983.
STUPID SLEEP

This weekend I passed out twice while watching TV. Now normally it wouldn't be so bad but I missed the end of the Mavs, Kings game, SNL, yesterday's Simpsons, and a phone call from Erika. I was able to call her back, only to be enraged by the robot on the voicemail. Domo origato Mr. Roboto, message message I'm not leaving a message (well, unless you count my incoherent grumblings about robot crap)
BUM WINE LAUNDRY LIST

This weekend my bumwine crusade took me to Party World. This is a dumpy country liquor store on the Alpine Road to Sparta. Though they only had Richard's Red in the cooler, I struck a deal with the manager. He said that he would be able to order any flavor I wanted including Cisco and Richard's Platinum. This might be the only way we can get our hands on some of the more exotic flavors without risking our lives south of 8 Mile. Though I also have another option. Since ole Tondar works with the homeless on almost a daily basis, I have another resource for finding their wines. Next time I get a homeless guy in here I'll pump him for information and report back here. It's amazing I've been sitting on the best bumwine resource for months and it never even crossed my mind to shake them down for info while they're shaking me down for your tax dollars.
NEW CD

Media Play finally restocked their classical section and even made a half-assed attempt at facing it. I was able to pick up a collection of Concertos by Franz Liszt. Thanks for the recomendation, James. Liszt was a great composer and an even better pianist.
NEW FLAG

Well the neighbors had an open house yesterday. I'm not sure which ones but they had to put a flag out on the corner to mark the event. On a totally unrelated matter, Tondar has a brand new flag. It's red white and blue.
TONDAR'S DOWN

How cool is Tondar? Well the NYTimes would say very cool. Seems everyone is blogging these days, even Fisher.