Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, October 10, 2003

ONLY IN AMERICA...

It's been too long since we've heard a great American tale about somebodyruining it for everybody else. Well just in time now, the National Football League is being sued for somehow encouraging a drunk driver to kill a little girl. This is sad and all, but how can the NFL be responsible for this idiot? I could see a potential lawsuit if Ray Lewis and a 9mm had been involved. This lawsuit does society no good whatsoever. Not even John Elway can make your daughter comeback. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to...DEAL WITH IT!
PLAY ON PLAYA, PLAY ON...

Here's an email I got from Dave. Better watch out ladies!

"So I am at work right now, and about 20 minutes ago we had this girl, very hot, about a 4.0 actually come into the store. Originally my boss was helping her, but then handed her off to me. Now here's the yeza part of the story (we get hotties in the store all the time, no big deal) But me and this girl Rebecca started talking, and really hit it off, but what surprised me is that I started to feel the vibe from her---like the nervous I-like-you type of vibe. To prove it, and that it just wasn't a "I think you're a stalker" nervous vibe, she left the showcase, but then came back in a minute to get a bag. I asked her her name (though I already knew it from the form she filled out) and she said Rebecca, I gave my name, and she said "Maybe I'll see you around on campus" in an almost yearning type of way. Great stuff.


Now there are girls that I get the nervous-pro-Sackett vibe from at the showcase, but they are usually ugly girls. But that this girl was at the 4.0 mark was amazing. AND it turns out one of the other girls at the showcase knew her when I mentioned the name later on. OK That is my little yeza story."

A GAME FOR THE FIA

Instead of "Passing Go" it should be, "Visit Tondar."
TALES FROM IL INFERNO

Here's an update about James' new job...

"Saturday i finished my last day of work at the guitarcenter, and monday I started my new career as executive assistant at the falcon group. the falcon group is a "boutique investment banking firm", that specializes in mergers and aquisitions. the bossman decides that he'll take us to lunch (there are 3 of us, the boss, myself, and mike who was also new on monday). so we go next door to the seafood place and sit at the bar. he orders a vodka on the rocks, i order a water, and mike the navyfag orders a lemonade. the bossman starts grinding us on why we aren't drinking liquor. "are you not drinking for religious reasons or what? because if you're trying to impress me by not drinking, you're not", he says. sos i order a beer and things get rolling. First the boss is shocked that i haven't been with an older woman. for some reason he expected me to have been with a 45 year old woman. i was trying to explain that i don't roll like that, but its kinda like trying to explain to Dumbs why i don't roll with the bigguns. anyways, he was disappointed that i haven't done coke, because apparently its the thing to do when you're rich. he tells some funny stories about hookers. apparently the founder of mtv's wife is the hottest woman the boss has ever seen in real life, and also used to be a hooker. i'll tell you about the hooker challenge another time, can't have too much at once.

moving on, he insists on doing kamikazee shots. he insists on me drinking another beer. he insists on me drinking vodka on the rocks. in total he order for me 3 beers, 3 kamikazees, and 1 vodka on the rock...i think. i stumble back to the office and insist on going to the bathroom. now i'm sitting in this stall and my head is spinning. i'm waiting for number two and wondering how soon it will be before i puke, before number two or after. in this alcoholic haze i notice someone looking at me from under the stall. my coworker (this is an office of 3; me, the boss, and this other guy who used to be in the navy) is in the next stall over and actually tried to peek under the
stall surreptitiously. i try to yell "no dude, that's not cool", but i couldn't muster up a yell. something else has taken precedence; that building surge of bile snaking its way up my throat. well i ain't bending over in that stall, with that guy in the bathroom, that's fo' schizzle. so i go back into the office and sit at my desk, place the trash bin between my legs, and vomit. I guess the boss heard me, because he was nice enough to dismiss me for the day. i don't know what embarrassed him more; the fact that i was sloppy drunk from what was for that corpulent old man a few casual drinks, or that i haven't done a 45 year old woman (you know, to show you how its done really good).

Don't worry, though, this is a legit job. i get AAA health insurance. its not like i'm selling speakers out of the back of a van. i'm just dealing with the rich and powerful scum of the earth (and i'm not talking about the people in my office). the fag apologized the next day, so i don't have to threaten to burn his house down while he sleeps.

On friday mike got fired, so things have been alot better around the office lately. the boss is no longer belittling me for not knowing how to do jobs that i have not been trained on.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

AND THE WHEELS COME FLYING OFF...

I should have known from the moment I made his wife cry at their wedding that their marriage was headed for disaster. But last night it was all confirmed when I went to visit my friend Roekel. He is getting a divorce from his dragon wife after a year and 3 months of wedded imprisonment. It turned out that she was a life/soul/money sucking sloth that refused to lift a finger after her wedding day. The 24 year old claimed "I have worked hard all my life, now I am going to relax." Like most people she confused marriage and retirement for the time to sit around and do nothing. These 15 months consisted of her single handedly consuming a pack and a half of cigarettes and a 2 liter of diet coke daily. While neglecting housework and doing nothing may be a full time job for most, this girl had ambition. She wanted to travel and buy nice things. To accomplish this goal she did battle in the fantasy PC-land of the EQ (Ever Quest). She led vast armies of internet wizards, elves, and warriors against online competition in epic battles of dorkdom. When she wasn't doing this she was screaming at Roekel for not making enough money to support her extravagant lifestyle and for not working on the house he was supposed to be remodeling. The straw that broke the camels back was when she started meeting her EQ "friends" in person for the stimulation one cannot get from an army of orcs nor a husband that is forced to sleep on the couch.

Let this be a two-fold lesson to all of you out there. First, don't get married. Don't EVER get married. Secondly, Don't have Tondar be bestman. If you insist on ignoring both of these warnings then promise me to dump any girl that I make cry. Because if there is one thing that history has taught us (right Tres?), is that if Tondar can make your woman cry then she probably needs therapy and ain't the marrying type.
JAMES ON CALIFORNIA

I seem to recall (pun intended) that Seth felt there was absolutely no chance in gray Davis being recalled, and even if that went through that Bustamente would crush Arnold. well it seems that schwartzenegger has made it a "total recall" election. the real question is; what about terminator 4, kindergarten cop 2, and other future flicks?

On a serious note, what does this mean for Frank's theory that california is an ungovernable state, and this recall is really just a symptom of larger structural problems with california's political machinery. The overabundance of ballot issues is seemingly a democratic tyrrany in the ancient greek sense. Also the limitations on what the state legislature can do regarding taxes and finance puts a stranglehold on real political processes. Oh well, even if Arnie screws this up its no big deal; its not like he can be president...
SETH'S MANIFESTO ON LOSING IV

First of all, a Bostonian cannot hope to understand the true meaning of losing like a midwesterner. He has 17 types of losses? Heck, the Lions alone came up with 29 different ways to lose in just two seasons. But just to appease my adoring fans, here's a losing chart for Detroit area sports.


I. Michigan Football - Each loss has its own characteristic, and with such a short schedule, every loss is more devastating.

1. The Loss that's not a Loss:
By 1910, the Ohio State football team had scored a grand total of 18
points against Michigan since their first meeting in 1897. This was the
period of Fritz Crisler's point-a-minute teams and OSU wouldn't be a
powerhouse for another decade. So when a truck driver passing the
stadium in Columbus that Saturday asked a boy what the score was, the
kid replied, "3-3 Ohio State."

2. The Hot Potato Loss:
This is when the games lead is juggled around so much that the loser
just ends up being the guy holding the proverbial potato when time runs
out. Anthony Thomas' fumble aside, that Northwestern game in 2000 was
pretty much like that. You get the feeling that had Michigan been given
the ball for one last second, it would have turned out differently.

3. The Modified Hot Potato Loss:
This is when the other team actually gets that last second mentioned
above, namely 2001 Michigan State. Unless Jeff Smoker knows how to spike
a football in under a tenth of a second, that game should have been
over.

4. The John Navarre Loss:
For a guy with more career passing yards, touchdowns, games started,
and completions than any quarterback in U-M history, John Navarre has
also developed a beautiful playbook for ruining my Saturdays. Compare
UCLA 2000, Illinois 2000 until Henson took over, Michigan State 2001,
Iowa 2001 until Marquise Walker defied the laws of physics with his TD
catch, Ohio State 2001, Notre Dame 2002, Ohio State 2002, Oregon 2003,
and Iowa 2003
Step 1: Let the defense get you the lead. When Michigan's D shows up,
it's a good indication that Johnny's taking a day off.
Step 2: Demonstrate early who the receiver of the game will be. Don't
take your eyes off of him.
Step 3: Complete a first-down, 5-yard pass, run the ball on second,
then overthrow a receiver on 3rd and 3. Repeat for one quarter.
Step 4: Run the reverse to Calvin Bell.
Step 5: Despite noticeable holes in the opposing defense, keep to your
playbook. No bootlegs, hot routes, receivers hanging in open areas, none
of that nonsense. Don't give in to temptation to put the ball over
peoples' heads. Every pass must be 90 mph and behind the receiver
running that same stupid slot route.
Step 6: When oxygen-deprived defense loses the lead, throw first
interception, preferably behind your own 30 yard line
Step 7: Down by two scores, toy with Wolverine faithful by pulling off
a brilliant touchdown drive in the 4th.
Step 8: March into the other team's red zone with a chance to win the
game with less than a minute left.
Step 9: For four consecutive downs, overthrow your receivers. Usually,
the opposing defense will be able to pick one of these off, kneel down,
and send you back to your day job answering the door for the Addams family.
Step 10: Suck Lloyd Carr's cock all week so he'll keep telling everyone
you're an awesome quarterback.

5. The James Whitley Loss:
For some reason, Big Ten teams wouldn't throw at ol' #5 for the first
half of the game, believing Terry Bowden's assertion that this guy was
anything but a future star of the XFL. By the second half, when they
realized running the ball was fruitless, then came the tosses over
Whitley's head. The best example of this was a 1999 home game against
Illinois in which the Wolverines blew a huge lead at home for our second
consecutive loss that season. Or the week before that when Plaxico
Burress made Whitley and Todd Howard (and spot-duty David Terrell) look
like Dre Bly covering Randy Moss. Or that Northwestern game in 2000. Or
the Purdue game that year. Or how about when we put him in there in '98
against Ohio State's David Boston? Or maybe every single game that
deuchebag played in...

6. The Seth starts breaking things loss
No, this isn't when Michigan loses in an EA Sports video game! I'm
talking about the games (like Oregon this year, Iowa last year, Michigan
State in 1999, Syracuse in 1998) in which the Eastern Michigan chess
club hijacks the team plane, drugs the real Wolverines, then proceeds to dress up as the Michigan players and run around spanking each other for four quarters.

7. The "It's Supposed to go BETWEEN the Posts, Jackass!" Loss:
Washington 2001, Purdue 2000, Notre Dame 2002, any time the announcer
state's "and Michigan can tie (win) the game with this kick," we cringe.
When graduation took away our favorite play, "Epstein misses a field
goal," Phil Brabbs took over without missing a beat. Just think, if the
uprights were placed in the corner of the endzone instead of the middle,
we'd be ranked in the Top 10 every year!

EL VIAJE GRANDE DE KATARINA

Katherine is studying in Sevilla this semester. In November, I will be going to visit. But right now here is an update about her adventure last weekend in Amsterdam.

From Katherine...

So I would definetly have to say that this weekend was the craziest time of my entire life. Amsterdam is seriously crazy, and I don´t understand how people can live there! It started off Thursday night when I got hit by a bike on my way to the train station in Seville. That was a sign that the weekend was going to be nuts! So my train left at 10:20pm on Thursday, and we got into Barcelona at 9:00am on Friday morning. Of course my car on the train was the only one without beds, so I tried to sleep sitting up, but that didn´t work so well. It was really disgusting and hot on the train, and the whole place smelled like BO. There was an old man sitting across from us, and he was starring at us for hours. I eventually got used to it, but later around 4am I noticed that he was jerking off while starring at us. How bizarre! What is the deal with some people? I was totally disgusted, but I tried not to let it bother me.

So I traveled with my friend Sean for the weekend, and it was nice to travel with such a cool guy. For one weekend I didn´t have to worry about traveling in a big group- that is so hard!

Once we got into Barcelona, we went to La Sagrada Familia- one of the most famous sites in all of Spain. We actually climbed to the top of it, and it was really cool. What a view! I took lots of pics and of course had my video cam. Then we went and ate lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe for some American food since we were getting sick of Spanish cuisine. After that, we split up for an hour and I walked down Las Ramblas to see all kinds of street vendors and people, and then I went shopping. You will never guess what I bought... keep in mind it is close to 80 degrees or more everyday here.... I bought a winter coat. Isn´t that crazy? But it was super cute, and I will need it for the future when I go traveling to countries that are colder.

After shopping we went to the airport and got on our flight to Amsterdam. If you are ever in Europe and want to fly, Easy Jet is really cheap.

We got into Amsterdam around 8pm and then went to the hotel. We actually stayed in a really nice place! We took the tram into town and looked around... got some food and did some other stuff. It was rainy and really cold... like winter! I wore my new coat all weekend, and I was so lucky that I bought it because I would have been freezing! We went to a coffee shop... which in A´dam means they serve coffee and weed. It was fun and it was really nice because almost everyone in that city speaks English. More crazy things occured, and then we went home after getting chocolate covered waffles for snack.

The next day we got up to more rainy weather... oh what fun. We waited in line to see the Anne Frank house- the place she and her family hid from the Nazi´s. It was really sad, but a good experience for me. It has inspired me to read the book, so that is pretty impressive. We were starving by this time since it was 3pm, so we went and got some pancakes. The way I order food in other countries is that I always ask what the most popular menu item is, and then that is what i get. It has to be good if everyone is ordering it! So I got ham and cheese pancakes, and Sean got apple and we split them. MMMMMM! They were to die for!

Later, we went shopping and hit up the red light district to see what it was all about. I have never in my life seen something like this before. There were tons of sex stores.... every store was a sex store. It was crazy, and I have never seen stuff like this in my life. In my book it mentioned that there was an Erotic Museum, so we went there and saw 5 floors of sex paraphenalia- what fun. We decided to come back at night when the district was hopping to see what it was all about then.

Next we were on a search for a certain place in my book which we found much later than expected. If you ever go to Amsterdam, the streets all look alike and the city is full of canals. It is so hard to get around because the streets are not labeled on the maps, and they all have really long strange names that you can´t pronounce.

More fun stuff and then later we went to an Italian place for dinner before heading to the red light district. This was mind blowing- it was cool but yet so degrading. They have live sex shows that you can pay to see, and the lines were super long. They had a penis waterfall statue thing, so I of course took a pic of that. Every window had a red light with a half naked woman in it trying to lure you in for sex and money. There were literally hundreds of windows up and down every street- it was horrible. Some people may think it is cool, but I think it is so degrading to have to sink to the level where you sell yourself for money. I feel so bad for these women. All of the guys stand outside and criticise them- that one is too fat, she is to tall, her boobs are too small- and they laugh and point. I would like to see a guy standing there and doing that.... As I walked by one of the rooms, there was a 90 year old man walking out who had just gotten with one of the girls. Yuck! That is so disgusting! We soon left and tried to walk back, but we got stopped by at least 30 drug dealers... no joke. They are on every corner of every street trying to get you to buy there junk. Of course we didn´t fall for this, and we just walked briskly by and went and got some pastries before checking our email at a cafe. There I was in the window checking my email when this old guy kept tapping on the window at me and making faces. He kept blowing me kisses, and at first I thought it was funny. Then we left and he was following us.... and later we got kicked out of a sex store.... but at the same time there was a couple in there getting it on.... i don´t get it! This world is crazy!

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

ONE OF THE GOOD ONES

I just got done meeting with another client. However, this one was an absolute miracle. She is 58 years old and had to quit working because of arthritis in her spine. Now she relies on state disability and the kindness of others. Despite all of this she had a wonderful attitude and could not stop talking about the power of prayer. On top of that she had a perpetual smile that was absolutely contagious. She is the perfect example of grace under pressure, one of the few angels among us carrying the message that God doesn't give us what we want, he gives us what we need.

I feel inspired...extra foodstamps for all!
CATHOLIC LEADERS DROP THE BALL

It seems that John Paul II and some of his Cardinals have not been reading their Catechism. Cardinal Pio Laghi met with President Bush in March and is now gloating over the U.S. with an "I-told-you-so" attitude despite the obvious success of Operation Iraqi Freedom. You see if you take a look at Just War Doctrine, all the conditions were present to make this war necessary for American security and the good of the Iraqi people. Here's my break down of this war with regard for Just War Doctrine...

--"The damage inflicted by the aggressor on the nation or community of nations must be lasting, grave, and certain. "

Saddam had a history of aggressive war and had even used weapons of mass destruction on his people. He was not merely a dictator but a true tyrant in the Platonic sense of the word (see Plato's Republic). Can we morally and truthfully tell ourselves that he was to be taken at his word about his weapons program and would not have used his weapons against America or Israel?

--"All other means of putting an end to it must have been shown to be impractical or ineffective. "

Don't get me going about the French again.

--"There must be serious prospects of success. "

We're the United States of America. Next Issue.

--"The use of arms must not produce evils and disorders graver than the evil to be eliminated. The power of modern means of destruction weighs very heavily in evaluating this condition."

The use of smart bombs and technology made our forces quick, deadly, and accurate. The only thing that the Cardinal may have issue with is the chaos associated with rounding up the remnants of the Saddam's Baathists. However, this is even becoming easier as their resistance becomes more desperate and Iraq moves towards democracy. And if he has issue with the eliminated evil maybe he would like to visit a few hundred mass graves.

I find these comments to be dissapointing and stubborn in their Old European world view that the absence of conflict is peace. No peace can be legitimate while mass graves are being filled and the threat of WMD hangs over the heads of the civilized world. Perhaps Cardinal Laghi should worry more about the evils of man instead of trying to win favor with the ultra-secular E.U.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Margot and I once discussed an interesting theory. When we are born we only have so many heavy drinking/party days in us. When they are gone we become regular responsible adults (similar to the idea behind Superman's energy crystals in Superman IV). I really believe this is true. I am starting to see this in more and more of my friends. The Wussy Wagon is getting alot of work these days taking them one by one out to pasture. I was reminded of this theory Saturday night as I toured the Polish Halls and felt little urge to drink myself into "Tres' Band" (Oblivion). Maybe it was the fact that I was the designated driver or that no amount of booze can make polka music enjoyable. However, as I sit here in the real world I know that the majority of my drinking days are behind me, like the night Dumbs Put Me Through a Wall, Pamplona 2K, Drunken Russian Night, The Calimatxo Disaster, or the Other Night I Went Through a Wall. Yet I am not done yet. From time to time I still feel the urge to run with the devil and have one more adventure of involving Tondaring, Pirating and Shenanigans. That's why next weekend I will be rolling into Ann Arbor to celebrate my birthday. You see when you get caught between the moon and New York City the best you can do is not be a pussy and retire before your time is up. Rolling blackouts and hangovers are nature's way of telling you "You're human, it's ok to feel. Aren't you glad to be alive?" And when that Wussy Wagon finally comes to get me, hopefully a drunken Mr. Toad will be behind the wheel and we will go bouncing and hopping off into that sunrise of responsibility together.
CALL TO SETH

Being a Lion's/Tiger's fan we have all grown used to losing. But there are so many different levels of losing. The Sports Guy breaks these down into XIII catagories. Well the Daily Rant is now calling on Seth to take these levels and give them a Detroit spin. From the 1988 Pistons to the 1991 Lions to Cordell Stewart's Stomach Punch, it's time for Michigan's Sports Guy to break them down.