Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, October 17, 2003

THE NIGHT BEGINS

James and I got things kicked off with a bottle of Cisco each. We were on the porch telling passerbys that we were hardcore and "Kobe told her to kiss it." A bum saw us. She shook hands with James (which he now regrets) and then she went and urinated in the alley next to the house. Well she then came back and told us we were "crazy" for drinking Cisco. In addition, she told us that we will go crazy on Cisco because "that shits like acid." Yes my friends it's gonna be one of those KINDA NIGHTS!!
MIXED BAG FOR SETH

The good news is that Jews rule the world. The bad news is that the Muslim world is on to your "plan" and are using Hitler-esque anti-semetic language to talk about it. Does anybody else find this language about a "final victory" truly disturbing?
SIEGFRIED AND ROY TIGER ATTACK

Better send this one to Ahmad Rashad instead of Bob Saget.
RETHINKING REAGAN

Check out this wonderful piece by Andrew Sullivan that sheds new light on the genius of Ronald Reagan. It reminds me of the ole SNL skit where President Reagan plays silly old grandpa for the camera and public. But as soon as they are gone he is barking orders and at his cabinet, speaking Arabic, and doing the math of Iran-Contra in his head.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

POOR RUSH LIMBAUGH

The ultra conservative Ann Coulter has an interesting defense of Rush Limbaugh's "hipocrisy." It's a bit heavy on the rhetoric but it does makes some great points about the actual hipocrisy of the liberal media. Money quote...

"The reason any conservative's failing is always major news is that it allows liberals to engage in their very favorite taunt: Hypocrisy! Hypocrisy is the only sin that really inflames them. Inasmuch as liberals have no morals, they can sit back and criticize other people for failing to meet the standards that liberals simply renounce. It's an intriguing strategy. By openly admitting to being philanderers, draft dodgers, liars, weasels and cowards, liberals avoid ever being hypocrites."

Pretty harsh, but you can see her point. Personally, I don't think it's quite as bad as a "journalist" from Newsweek calling Rush a "schlub," (if I make up a word it's not argumentum ad hominem) after he only talked to Rush's enemies and ex-wives. It reminds me alot of the history of poor St. Callistus having his only biography written by his enemy. At least our world has people like Ann Coulter to balance out the insanity of the left.
SECOND THOUGHTS ON THE EU

It seems the Queen of England isn't a complete figurehead. She is now questioning the language in the EU Constitution that could possibly surrender her power to Brussels. Rightly so, if there is a possibility that your foreign policy could be controlled by the French, then you should seriously reconsider before surrendering your democracy to the whims of the Chirac and Schröder Axis.
WHAT THE!?

Look up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a giant ball of flames.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

SETH'S MANIFESTO ON LOSING I


It's hard to match the Tigers' ability to lose over 100 games a year, but it's the Lions who really know what they're doing when it comes to losing, especially on the road. While the Tigers can lose in pretty much the same fashion night in and night out, Sundays with Matt Millen's boys can be relied on to consistently test new and exciting methods for losing football games.

1. The Get That Man a Cheeseburger STAT Loss:

Wayne Fontes was a riot a minute during these spectacles, although many of them never aired because it was impossible to sell out the Silverdome. You knew one was coming when Barry Sanders would be stopped behind the line of scrimmage after dancing around 40 tacklers for two plays before Scott Mitchell threw an interception. Maybe if Fontes had concentrated on calling offensive plays instead of running around with his eyes bulging like Luca Brazi he would realize we were running the same sweep right twice in a row.

2. The first round loss

You think the Wings suck in the First Round? Every fuckin' year we'd make the playoffs with an 8 or 9 win season, then get our asses handed
to us in the first round. Fortunately, Barry's retirement ended this disturbing streak. The last of these was in 1999, when we started 8-4, but were 8-8 by the time the Lions faced off against a weak Washington squad and got buried.

3. The off-season loss

There are actually two kinds of off-season loss. The first is of the "Barry Sanders retires" variety, but also includes the "free agent heading for warmer climates" or "Lions trade so-and-so" here and there. The other type of off-season loss is one of great hope followed by confusion and occurs immediately following the words "And with their first pick in this year's draft, the Lions select..."

4. The Turkey Day Loss

The Green Bay/Detroit Thanksgiving Day rivalry for multi-appendaged fowl has traditionally been one of the best November sporting events in the region; that is, until the Lions moved into the Silverdome. Since I started watching football, the game my father and grandfather talk about
like the second coming of Michigan/Ohio State has featured the Lions
playing less for and more like six legged Turkeys. I actually went to
one of these in which the teams played in retro outfits so we'd feel like we were back in the days when the game actually meant something. See "Moral Victories" and "Why James Stewart is Too Good to Cut but still a Very Poor Man's Barry"

5. Merry F-in' Christmas From Da Bears:

We're 9-6, a win guarantees a spot in the playoffs, and we're playing a Chicago team that categorically stank all season. Throughout the game, we get 1st and goal on the 5 or something that puts us one step away from winning the game, but each time Batch throws an interception, or,
at the end, we miss a field goal. Not so the Bears, who for some reason
still want to win this game. Chicago pulls off the W with a late drive
and field goal, while the Lions go home early with plans for an off-season that brings us Marty Morninwheg. The date? December 24, 2000. Merry f-ing Christmas.

6. The Road Loss

The Lions don't really lose that bad on the road. But since December 17, 2000 they haven't had one frikkin' victory outside of the Detroit metro area. We're not exactly Caesar's Gallic Forces Reborn at home, but three years without a road win? They happen every which way, too. There's the games in which we're beating a team we're supposed to be beating before they bust out Detroit's QB from Super Techmo Bowl and romp us 31-7 (Carolina 2002). Or the tight game against a tough opponent that we just can't pull off at the end (Chicago 2002, Denver 2003, Tampa Bay 2001). I guess the tight game against a weak opponent that we just can't pull off counts too (Arizona 2002, Chicago 2001). We've been slaughtered by teams that should beat us (Green Bay 2002, Pittsburgh 2001, Green Bay 2001, Atlanta 2002) and those that shouldn't (Cleveland 2001, Arizona 2001). Oh, and who could forget a stellar road defensive effort that netted the Lions 7 points without scoring a touchdown (2 safeties and a field goal) until we got busted up for 24 points in ten minutes in the fourth quarter.

7. The Moral Victory

One of the greatest changes the Lions made upon entering the M&M era was introducing the Moral Victory to Detroit Lions fans. Since then, we've led the league every year in moral victories. The first of these were the kind that showed we had a good team, that Batch was going to be healthy this year, but we just got unlucky. Then, as the losing streak
continued, it was simply any game in which we stayed close enough or
played well enough to give us hope that next week we'll pull off a win.
The Lions accomplished a string of nine moral victories in ten games in 2001 and finished the 2002 season with seven (it would have been ten if the Lions hadn't accidentally defeated Dallas, Chicago, and New Orleans early in the year). Just 5 games into the season in 2003, we already have three moral victories, including two in which we hung in there against very good teams (SanFran and Denver).
COLLEGE OF CARDINALS

We don't get much news about the personalities at the Vatican. However, here is an article in Slate that uses paddypower.com (an Irish gaming site) to predict the frontrunner to succeed the Pope. Personally, I see the need for 2 things in the next Pontiff. First, he must be a great communicator. In the tradition of Presidents Regan and Clinton, the next Pope must be able to speak with ease to communicate Christ's message to the people of the world. This is especially important now that the Church has been under attack for the sex scandals. Secondly, the Pope must be able to heal the cultural schism of Europe. Europe has lost its way and has become hell bent on creating a secular socialist society. The new Pope must be able to both challenge and cooperate with the E.U. to preserve true Christian Democracy and challenge the Culture of Death that has gripped the Old Countries.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

SAINT OF THE DAY

Check out the story of St. Callistus I. He has a very interesting history since the only record of his life was written by his bitter enemy, another saint.
SOLIDARITY AT ITS BEST

Check out this article about Michigan's teachers union screwing Detroit area children out of a $200 million gift. This can easily be chalked up as another failure on the laundry list of things that the City of Detroit has done horribly horribly wrong in the last 100 years. But at least the incompetant teachers are protected.

SETH'S MANIFESTO ON LOSING II

Okay, now we're getting into the real talent in losing. For the last decade, these guys could put the Bengals to shame in sheer ability to lose. For awhile, we lost because the decent players wouldn't play well. Then it became the not-so-decent players losing because they're just not good enough. Then it became the god-awful players losing because they're just not good enough. And finally, this year, it culminated with the worst team in baseball playing under its potential. How did they not break the record?

The Portending of things to come loss:

It's 1988. The Tigers have been a powerhouse the whole decade. They're the defending Eastern Division Champions and have all the same horses, minus Kirk Gibson, to make another run for the title. It's the last week of the season. Centerfielder Chet Lemon is playing like Willie Mays back when he still stole home. We sneak up on division leading Toronto, then tie them with one game left in the season...againt the Blue Jays themselves. The loss that day wasn't really spectacular. We couldn't pitch, hit, or field and they could. But it was the last time the Tigers
would see first place in September.

The What the Hell Happened to Us loss:

This actually describes the 1989 season. Yes, the whole season. Was there a substantial difference between the first place Tigers of 1987-88 and the last place boys of 1989? The only roster change was the loss of Tom Brookens at 3rd, and very promising youngster Travis Fryman was shooting through the minors. We weren't injured or anything. But every day, the relief pitching would fall apart, even with the rising star of closer Mike Henneman. Bill Madlock, Alan Trammell, Lou Whittaker, Dave
Bergman, Larry Herndon, and Chet Lemon all hit over 50 points lower than the previous two seasons. Matt Nokes, an all-star rookie in 1987, became an all-star bum before salvaging the season with the New York Yankees.

The Solo Homer Squad Loss:

Check out this power lineup of the early '90s: 1B Cecil Fielder, C Mickey Tettleton, DH Rob Deer, RF Eric Davis, 3B Travis Fryman, SS Alan Trammell, 2B Lou Whitaker, CF Kirk Gibson, LF Tony Phillips. The result? Tigers lose 6-5. Tigers lose 9-7. Tigers lose 8-5. Oh, factor in about 9 to 27 strikeouts per outing and zero starting pitching.

The Buddy Bell Loss:

"Come see the new Tigers!" Translation: come watch the pathetic rebuilding junkers we fielded to replace retired Tram and Lou. First game of season, SS Chris Gomez makes 3 errors, Buddy Bell calls a hit-and-run that becomes a strikeout, throw-out, and Detroit settles in for a decade of losing records. But just think, we actually believed back then that Justin Thompson, Brian Moehler, David Wells, Deivi
Cruz,Tony Clark, Damion Easley, Luis Gonzalez, Joe Randa, Brian Hunter,
and Franky Catalanotto would have us at the top of the world when young
phenoms Juan Encarnacion, Gabe Alvarez, Gabe Kapler, Robert Fick, Seth
Greisinger and Jeff Weaver were ready for prime time.

The We Don't Need That Guy Loss:

Okay, so the afformentioned guys become a squad of mid-level ballplayers, at least most of them did. I visited Michigan and Trumbull for a special loss one year in which the Tigers were walking aroundpretty happy with themselves for shaving spare parts Travis Fryman (of
the 1999 Indians), Luis Gonzalez (of the 2001 Diamondbacks) and David Wells (of the every year Yankees) off of their roster. Funny, how out of
the "New Tigers" these were the only guys to ever get to the World
Series. This type of loss came back this year, too, as traded Tigers
Mark Redman and Juan Encarnacion lead the Florida Marlins through the 2003 postseason.

The We Don't Need Tiger Stadium to Lose Baseball Games Loss:

2000 was a good year for Tiger standards, at least until Juan Gonzalez decided he only needed to play 60 games all year to justify Detroit's decision to trade their entire roster for a year of his services. I must admit, I did follow this over-priced drawing card to Comerica Park, but his pussy was hurting that day. They played four first basemen that day; two got injured (Dean Palmer, Greg Jeffries), one came back from the DL list (Rob Fick), and one made his major league debut (Dusty Allen). We lost 4-0. By the way, Shane Halter, Hal Morris, Eric Munson, and Tony
Clark also played 1st that season.

The 2002-2003 Loss:

I'm talking about the last two seasons that were over before they began. Thought we couldn't do worse than 2002's 19-loss start to the season? Try the debut of the Trammell era. In this period, the Tigers have found every single way to lose that baseball has ever thought possible. We've lost 17-2, 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 4-0, and everything else to 0. We lose on the road, we lose at home. We lose day games and night games. Or how about a double header against the bottom-feeding Orioles in 2003. You'd think we could take one of them, right? Well, the first went a little haywire with blown calls late that gave it to Baltimore. Game 2 of the set was just a formality. The best part was that Tram had been
kicked out of the first game for arguing a bad call, then used his first opportunity during the second game to march right back to the ump who'd
thrown him out and continue from where he'd left off. One night, two losses.

Monday, October 13, 2003

DUE FOR A COMEBACK

It looks like Duran Duran escaped from Shady Acres Retirement Home and has made a new album. I rarely make predictions, but I think these guys are due for another comeback. Their last one was (The Wedding Album) in the early 90s with "Ordinary World" and "Come Undone." Look for them to come roaring back to fame in the months to come.
NEW PROPHECY UPDATE

The New Prophecy page has been updated with a whole new section of Revelations. Check out the connection between Son of Man, Princess Diana, and President Chirac. It's a bit lengthy but pretty interesting.
DUDE!

"Then you raise your head and see these two extra hooves on the end of these spindly legs coming out of her neck."
ARNOLD LIFTS THE REPUBLICANS

Check out this Bob Novak column about how Arnold has saved the California recall and may even be able to deliver the state to Bush in the 2004 election.
SETH'S MANIFESTO ON LOSING III

When asked to choose one word befitting the then-champion Red Wings in 2002, (you know, expecting "dominant" or "magical' or something) Denver Post writer Terry Frei said, "Medicare." Another sports writer once remarked after the 7-0 blasting of Colorado that spring in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals that "Everyone but the Red Wings knew that they were too old to go get through a prolonged series in the playoffs." However, here's a few ways the Wings have shown that they can act their age:

1. The first round poop-shoot

Usually once Yzerman and co get past the first round, the 3rd and 4th lines start scoring and every goal comes from some fantastic play. Not so in April. In 2000 against L.A., the first two games of 2001 against Vancouver, and all four games versus Anaheim this past spring, the Wings have come out playing precision keepaway with mixed lines while Shanny
or Hull fire low-shots from the back of the circle. Needless to say, our
record in the first round isn't exactly impressive as of late: 6-10.

2. The Colorado Clincher

These are always tough because when Colorado beats us, it's often on a night when the Wings are playing well. Patrick Roy taps in the code to go into God Mode while Petr Forsberg starts man-handling our 5'10" centers. In the end, Chris Drury will put in a double-overtime that leaves us sitting around at 1 a.m. with empty 40s, an empty chip bowl, and a quite stupified expression on our collective faces. 1996 was full of these.

3. The Anaheim Mighty _uck

In 2003, Detroit turned its back on the Mighty Ducks, bent over, and allowed them to do whatever they liked. It started in a regular season game in March, I think, when we got blanked in Anaheim. The remarkable thing was, it was the one loss in a massive late-season winning spree after Yzerman came back. In the playoffs, the Duck _uck kicked into high gear with a first round sweep, including two overtime victories. They finally finished the deal this summer by signing away Sergei Fedorov,
while Detroiters were left muttering "your purple sweaters look stupid."

4. The Curtis Chokeph

CuJo this. CuJo that. CuJo get 3-year, $24 million deal. CuJo start slowly. CuJo get great defense but then let in game tying soft goal. CuJo play decent overall, but have enough CuChoke games that Dom Hasek come out of retirement just so he don't have to watch any more of them on Czech TV.

5. The Why Did We Come Here in the First Place Loss

I'm talking about every game of the 1995 Stanley Cup Finals and 1996 Western Conference Finals. The Wings had great teams those years, with Yzerman at the peak of his career, but then Adam Foote, Scott Stevens, Patrick Roy, and Martin Brodeur somehow decided that we weren't allowed to score.