Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, November 21, 2003


Morena-Jill: "Everytime I hear Sineade O´Connor´s "Nothing Compares 2 U" I cry because I break up with boys."

While Tondar went to visit Spain, Seth went on a journey seeking the ring of power (DVD set)...

"Tres, my brother and I go to purchase the Lord of the Rings: Two Towers Special Edition DVD at midnight on Monday (when it first goes on sale) at the great establishment of Meijers.

We get there at 11:55 p.m. and there's four extremely good-looking
females there. Seth's perfect woman, right: a hot girl who goes to
Meijer to buy a Lord of the Rings DVD the second it comes out! So I try
to strike up convo with, "Hey, you're nerds like us." They're receptive,
but there's something wrong here.

Huh. Turns out they were there to purchase another media item that came
out the same exact second: Britney's new album. Corporate Whore 1, Guy
who puts everything he has into doing Tolkien's series justice on film

However, even after we ran to snag the first copies they stocked of the
LotR DVD, the ditzes couldn't figure out that we were there to buy
different things. I may not have been able to speak the language of
teeny-bopper then, but since I've found a website that can at least assist these girls in reading the internet.

Addendum to the story: Tres was the most excited about getting the DVD, but at 11:58, to avoid looking like a nerd waiting for Lord of the Rings to get stocked, he walked a few aisles away and read some book covers. While he was gone, the store lady brought out a stocking cart. I was hitting on the Britney chicks, but my brother noticed, walked over there non-chalantly, and picked up two copies of the DVD, just like that. Tres got back a minute later and was completely devastated that he'd missed the rather un-climatic moment.

The plane ride over would have been uneventful except for the fact that it was ruined by the crapfest known as Charlie´s Angels 2. And I thought the world was worse off for having Saddam and Michael Jackson. What made it worse Delta cut out serving free booze on international flights. So yes it sucked.

But on the flight from GR to Atlanta I decided to pull a Drake and make up a story on the spot. I told this guy that I was a consultant (not unlike the great Barry Neil) and my firm (Miller and Graeber) was sending me on my first business trip. I was to go to Seville and work with the Cruzcampo beer company where I would probably "end up firing about 200 people or so." Now normally, the Spanish would bring in German consultants, but since the dollar is so low and the old owner, being a Spanish Civil War vet hates fascism and anything German, they brought in us. He seemed to buy it.

Upon my arrival in Madrid, the first thing I remembered was the hot Spanish body. Spanish girls are rather interesting because they don´t have any measurement differences between their waist and hips. It´s all just a straight shot down after the boobs. Since I am totally into girls that are tall and thin this is like heaven for ole Tondar. And from what I´m told the men have nice asses, too bad they are all nancy-boys that live with their mamas until age 34. (Jill-Blond insisted I write that).

The hostal I stayed at last night was interesting to say the least. It was an old building run by a really old couple. they ended up sticking me away in a large corner closet that was shaped like a triangle. Altogether the place had 2 bathrooms. One was a quaint throwback bathroom complete with a pull chain toilet. It looked like it had used extra plumbing supplies and furniture taken from my grandpa. The second, was a closet that had undergone a great feet of engineering nd actually looks like the type of thing my grandpa would build. The old guy had tiled the entire thing and installed a toilet on the left and a shower a foot away on the right. Now there was no curtain of course, just a tiny room about 6 feet wide and 3 feet deep and the entire thing was then sealed off with the wooden closet door which also served as the backstop for the shower spray. I avoided that one.

Last night was an interesting run of the lords work. Things started at about 9:30 with free beer at Katherines school. I got to meet many of her classmates and of course it was a diverse group that met every stereotype about a group of students. There was the smelly girl, the flamboyant gay guy, the quiet gay guy, the womanizer (complete with a BK crown), the cheap girl, and the quiet girl. Katherine´s friends were all very nice. 2 of them are named Jill to make it easier for me to remember their names. And there´s also Sean, and his friend Mani. When the free beer was cutoff at 11 we went out for pizza. Along the way Katherine was stumbling and constantly announcing, "I´m so barracho (drunk masculine)." After pizza, we met Jose Manuel and took off for a club that was having a GRAND opening. Well it certainly was a grand club. It was decorated in a roman villa motiff that was wonderfully decadent. In fact, it was so decadent that it didn´t take me long to realize there were very few girls. Yes, my friends ole Tondar got dragged to a gay bar. Now normally that would be the type of thing that would piss me off beyond belief. But since we all got free drinks ALL NIGHT LONG my heart was overcome with tolerance (and bicardi). Sure it wasn´t in the stars for me to do the other half of the lord´s work, but it was all pretty cool. The gentlemen respected my privacy, and I didn´t get a visit from the one-eyed pooper pirate. Instead, I danced with the ladies and talked basketball with Jose Manuel (who actually got to see Milicic play and claims that he is as good as everybody says). So when we saw Katherine taking a nap against the wall, and people started pairing up, we decided to head on out. Of course, any trip to the bar would not be complete without drama. And there was an interesting flirt triangle going on between 3 of Katherine´s friends. 2 were a couple and the other was a professor. (Yeah, strange stuff) I never really thought about it, but last night I learned that it is difficult to be in a relationship when everybody´s got balls. I understand that the couple has been fighting all week so I guess this was a drunken jealousy ploy. And I thought trying to figure out women was rough!

So at 5:30 am the night came to a close after some yummy churros (fried bread in the shape of a massive turd). Ole Tondar was tired, jet lagged, and drunk. Sure nobody got Tondard but there´s plenty of time for shenanigans yet. Viva españa!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003


Later today I take off on my 4th Adventure in Spain. Since the internet is fairly accessable I will try to keep you all up to date on the shenanigans. Though it won't be as triumphant or pretentious as mereDEATH's 2,000 page book about that French guy, I'm sure it will be just as entertaining. After all Spain is where I became a man, almost died, and brouht a new meaning to the phrase "tubthumping." During this trip I'm hoping to do alot of sightseeing and alot of the Lord's Work. I just hope it's ok with Katherine, as we all know a Tondar vacation is too important to be left in the hands of anybody else.

So I spent most of the last few days getting everything around. Last night I ran into some packing difficulties when I finished and realized I forgot to pack the things Katherine needed. This meant I had to unpack my bag and take a suitcase so I could bring her peanut butter, ranch dressing, and banana bread. Yeah. Eventually it all fit. Fianlly this morning, I finished burning the 7th and final MP3 CD (1000+ songs). This was just in time for the Dark Lord to yell at me as the Naggin'-train came barrelling down on me. Needless to say it's always wonderful to wake up to the sound of irrational screaming offering Grover Advice (don't forget your wallet, did you get your passport, don't forget to breathe in and out!). So now I'm killing my last 2 hours of work. And of course wouldn't you know it today the dollar hit an all time low vs. the Euro. Thanks alot President Bush's tariffs. Sure they will be all over our exports, but I will take a serious beating consuming European goods and services. So on that note I am off. Without my big brown drinkin' coat. Without my four fried chickens. And without my dry white toast.

Seth on the only thing going on in the NBA right now. So forget that the Pistons beat the Lakers last night 106-96 and join the madness...

"So now has its own special section in the NBA sidebar menu for LeBron James. It's right above Power Rankings, and has more hits (more than double) than the standings link can brag. Okay, I made that up, but I bet it's true.

So anyway you follow the link and you can compare his stats to Jordan, Bird, and Darko Milicic to see how he stacks up against those we should be comparing him to.

No mention that his team is 2-6 and just gave the Miami Heat (basketball's version of the Detroit Tigers) their first win of the season.

To keep this in perspective, LeBron James plays 10 more minutes a game than Jordan did, is the only guy on his team who they allow to score, and is putting up relatively equal numbers for 8 games into their careers.

To put this in better perspective, he's been good, he's pretty talented, and will probably be in a bunch of All-Star games during a very successful career. He's 18 years old, yet it looks like the order has come down from on high (coach? Cav's owner? NBA commish? ESPN?) that
the team do whatever it can to pad LeBron's stats, even if it means scoring less than the other guys at the end of the day. Last year, the Cavaliers went 17-65. Right now, they project to 20-62. Oh, after 8 games last year, guess what their record was........ 2-6. Talk about your off-season pick-ups, eh?

Of course, ESPN is going to make sure that if you're Jones-in' for some James, you'll get everything you want, excepting, ahem, the final score. But heck, if basketball was really about winnning basketball games, ESPN would be calling the Pistons a good team.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003


From Seth...
Some bright-orange eyebrows were raised this week when Notre Dame suggested, nay, hinted, nay, whispered to a girlfriend that if the ACC asked them to the dance, they might say yes.

Notre Dame isn't suffering from an identity crisis. Their sub-.500 season this year doesn't betray the school's proud program. Their sudden interest in becoming an ACC school isn't demonstrative that they suddenly want to be another Florida State.

But I can see how it could come across as such.

First, the bad season. For Touchdown Jesus' sakes, they play Florida State, Michigan, Michigan State, Purdue, Washington State, Pittsburgh, Boston College and USC in one season! Heck, I don't think Oklahoma could play that schedule without coming out with at least two or three losses, and the Irish aren't near as good as the Sooners.

Second, the ACC thing. Notre Dame is a bit in limbo right now, and I think it's because their portfolio was too full of Big East stock. That's what's going on here; the Big East is nothing, nothing! football-wise without Miami, BC, and Virginia Tech and Notre Dame is a football-first athletic program. Syracuse and Pittsburgh aren't enough to keep the Irish interested - they liked the Big East because of the Catholic-school rivalry in Boston. The Big Easy as a football conference is going to be just above the MAC once their BCS contract expires.

So Notre Dame needs a lifeline for its conference affiliation, but I don't believe the ACC is really their thing. So why the sudden interest? Easy: Presidential Flash Cards... Greenbacks...The Pot of Gold.

The Atlantic Cash Conference is looking at some really nice TV deals once Miami, VT, and BC start teeing off against FSU's powerhouse athletes and Duke's sorry excuse for a gridiron. And only the purist cynist in higher education could help but drool over that kind of money.

So they make the inquiry, see where it goes, but Notre Dame isn't ACC material. They're a prestigious, progressive university in Indiana whose football boosters live in New York, California, and the Midwest. Football's their big sport, for which they have a century-old tradition of pure greatness. They want to play 10 teams in the Top 25 every season and recruit kids whose academics alone could get them into 90 percent of Division I-A schools. Their basketball is decent, but likes to win and needs a conference affilitation with rivals nearby. Am I nuts or does this not sound like the poster-boys for the Big Ten?

Notre Dame is also fiercely independent when it comes to pigskins. They have a deal with NBC that Friends envies. But there's always the worry that the next BCS formula won't have "Except Notre Dame," written anywhere in it. If/When that happens, they'll join the Big Ten, keeping FSU, Stanford, BC, and USC as their non-confs. The Irish know who they are, even if bad times have them chasing rainbows once in a while.

From Pigpen...

"First of all, we all know that the BCS is very flawed, however this has become more evident as this season progresses. This past week everyone in the Top 10 won, but some who won will drop in the BCS standings when they are released today at 6:00pm EST. I'll address that first, how is it that UoM and USC had blowout weeks against conference albiet unranked opponents yet OSU is slated to waltz their lucky asses up to No. 2 after narrowly esacping for the 19th time in 2 years. Granted this was against No. 11 Purdue, but it was by a field goal in OT after a very low scoring game. Meanwhile the BCS standings empahsize strength of schedule. Is that a fact! Then what the hell is OU and TCU doing there? OSU, MSU and UoM have played 7 games each against ranked opponents this year, some are no longer ranked, but when TCU floats through the paltry Conference USA playing the likes of Navy and South Florida and comes out looking like the second comming of football this cannot stand. OU has the same problem all though the Big 12 is many rungs higher than Conf USA on the totem ploe they still play shit house teams like North Texas and Baylor. These schools can even muster a sqaud? Meanwhile the Big 10 can produce more ranked teams currently and at some point in the season than the rest of D1-A. Further more as the rest of the bowls are decided UoM is pretty much a lock for the Rose Bowl, but the Pac-10 will not have a Rose team if it is deemed undesireable this is possible is WSU is next in line after USC. Lastly, the BCS further gets show what garbage it is when the USA Today and AP polls have teams higher in the rankings than the BCS does and vice versa - Perfect example is UoM is 5 in both, but supposedly 9 when BCS comes out, UT is 11 in AP, but 7 in the BCS. This is supposed to be strictly by the numbers and computer driven. I'm beginning to think that the computers doing this at Commodore 64's that are running a program modified from that crappy game we played in Junior High - Lemonade Stand. Remember that turd burgler? Personas Su Idiota (people are idiots - I think)"

From Seth...
This article was posted right before the Bowl Games last year.

The final scores:

OSU 31 Miami 24
USC 38 Iowa 17
Auburn 13 Penn State 9
Michigan 38 Florida 30
Wisconsin 31 Colorado 28 (OT)
Purdue 34 Washington 24
Minnesota 29 Arkansas 14

Big Ten Bowl record: 5-2.

Just keep that in mind when you hear sports commentators bitch about
OSU and Michigan being overvalued for their respective 6-1 Big Ten
seasons this week.

Seth's early Bowl Predictions:

Sugar Bowl: (Both win out)
Oklahoma (BCS #1)
USC (BCS #2)

Rose Bowl: (U-M beats OSU, RB goes for tradition in selecting WSU)
Michigan (Big Ten)
Washington St. (at large)

Orange Bowl: (FSU a lock for ACC, Miami close to it for BE title)
Miami (Big East)

Fiesta: (LSU beats Ole Miss, then Georgia in SEC championship, 10-2
Texas chosen over 10-2 Ohio State)
Texas (at large)

Citrus: (OSU clear pick over after getting passed by BCS, SEC usually
loser of SEC title game)
Ohio State (Big10 #2)
Georgia (SEC #2)

Outback: (Ole Miss gets left behind in crowded, poll-based SEC after
dropping last game to LSU, Boilermakers clear pick)
Purdue (Big10 #3)
Ole Miss (SEC #3)

Alamo: (MSU ties Minn. in conference and owns head-to-head but Alamo
gets to choose and takes 9-3 Gophers)
Minnesota (Big10 #4)
Nebraska (Big12 #4)

Cotton: (10-2 Tenn. perfect choice if they miss SEC title game, Fla.
loses to FSU...KSU here after losing to Oklahoma in Big12 champ.)
Tennessee (SEC after BCS)
Kansas St. (Big 12 after BCS)

Sun Bowl: (same conf. record as Iowa with head-to-head over them)
Michigan St. (Big 10 #5)
Cal (Pac 10 #4)

Music City Bowl: (should be re-named "Big Conference disappointment
Iowa (Big 10 #6)
Auburn (SEC #6)

Motor City Bowl: (They like Big 10 teams when available - Wisc. after L
to Iowa still a better draw than Northwestern if they beat Illini)
Wisconsin (at large)
Miam OH (MAC champ)

Nov. 18, 2002--Lenny: I'm Suddenly Susan!

Monday, November 17, 2003


Check out this article from the Detroit News about how Larry Brown has changed the way the Pistons play offense. Sure, they are a bit sluggish these days. But Let's see how they are playing when April rolls around. Look out in the west, there will be a new Beast of the East for you to beat up on.

Everybody knows that the Republican party is the party of the selfish greedy and rich, right? Then how did Bush end up winning the most generous states in the 2000 election? You have to go down to the 21st ranked state, New Mexico (which almost went to Bush) before you find a democrat voting state that gives. This certainly does hurt Seth's stereotypes. But luckily you don't need facts when you're a liberal.

Follow along as the innocents abroad blogger documents French failure from the perspective of the French themselves. Plato called democracy the second worst form of government (next to tyranny) because it allows its citizens to serve their own passions instead of the good of the state. France is a perfect example of this failure.