TONDAR'S ADVENTURE TO SPAIN

Day 3: An Abortion Resulting From A Hideous Incest

Saturday November 22, I awoke in our hostal Lisbon Portugal. I was sharing the room with Katherine and Morena Jill. However, I was a gentlemen and turned away everytime they changed so I would not have to see Morena Jill’s unshaven legs. We took to the street at about 10 and began walking down the massive hill towards the city center. There I was blown away by the beautiful 18th and 19th century architecture. I was especially impressed by the the Train Station which had half of the building cut away to reveal a rainforrest inside the building but still open to the massive plaza that dominates the political center of Lisbon. Take that Rainforest Café! I should have realized what was ahead when while we were making our way to the city’s castle, the girls became hungry.

Thus at this point, our day took the first of many tangents. It was time to eat toast (nothing special simply toasted white bread). Come hell or highwater we were going to eat toast and there wasn’t a damn thing anybody could do to derail the eatin’-train. After wasting a good chunk of the morning we started making our way to the castle which was clearly marked on the map and clearly visible from the valley that makes up the city center. I led the way. However, every fifty feet I was stopped by somebody asking “Is this the right way? I don’t think this is the right way. We are going this way but the castle is up there.”

It was early and I was just happy to be in Europe and not listening to poor people whine about how they need more freebies because they are incompetent and incapable and etc. I replied confidently to the girls, “Ahead there’s a road that snakes around the hill to the front of the castle, unless you wanna climb up the cliff and the 50 ft wall it’s easier to go this way.” But they weren’t buying this.

The whole way there we had to stop at every intersection and once again question, which way is the castle. Finally we made our way up there. The view was beautiful and after a good look around I realized that it was almost identical to the rundown castle from the beginning of “The Princess Bride.” The kids got to take some pictures while I got to go tearing around on the castle walls climbing up every tower whether I was supposed to or not. While I was doing this, Katherine was discovering how wonderful it felt to straddle the VERY cold cannons that face out over the harbor (“It makes my crotch so cold”). I’m not sure who had the better time.

After this we wandered down to explore some old churches. But wouldn’t you know it, the kids were hungry again! So we found this delightful restaurant. After we ordered, they brought us a horrible meat and cheese plate that we even didn’t order and it cost us 15 euros! We were pretty pissed about that. The girls decided they would play it cheap and safe and order the chicken. Of course the three of them ended up getting a massive plate of chicken knuckles and beaks. On the other hand, I knew that spanish food sucked so I wouldn't risk it in Portugal either. I figured I would spend the extra money to get the steak. I was well rewarded with one of the best steaks I have ever eaten. It was a good size chunk of meat cooked in a delicate wine sauce. It was so good, I wish I was eating it right now. MMMMmmmm.

After lunch we took to the street again. And after another lengthy debate/nag session it was decided that we were going for a 30 minute tram ride to see some muslim light house. On the train Jose and I were the only ones that bought tickets. The rest rode for free. Sure I could have gotten away with it. But after Italy I know never to ride without a ticket on public transportation because there’s nothing Europeans love more than having Gli Americani busted for freeloading.

The lighthouse itself was pretty cool but because of all the time we had pissed away eating and bickering, it had been closed for 30 minutes by the time we got there. So some of the kids ran off and got icecream while I chilled with Morena Jill and watched the sunset (that’s where I got that great picture with the sailboat).

Eventually Jill and I wandered back to find the kids. They were ready to roll. But before we took off I wanted to use the bathroom. Well the icecream shop only had a pay toilet. This threw me into a fit of rage. I yelled at the bathroom attendant and stormed off muttering about “charging for basic human rights and do you actually wonder why people urinate and defecate in the street.” I came out of the building to face some strange looks from Katherine and the gang, to which I simply replied, “Cocksuckers had a pay toilet! I’m goin’ ‘round back!” So I found a nice spot between the building and a van and watered the parking lot of the icecream store. That showed them. Tondar 1 Europe 0

It was dark now so we headed back to the center of town. It was a real chore trying to wander up the central boulevard past numerous shops and street performers with the girls stopping every 10 feet to say “Wow, that’s so cool. I want one of those.” My personal highlight was the fire dancer that had burns over much of his body and a charred t-shirt. Oh! Somebody needs to find a new profession! Suddenly, like a steel to a magnet the girls were eventually drawn to this “great store” called H&M. There they went on an hour long shopping spree, while Tondar wandered around completely board. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Euro clothes. However, H&M carries all the hippest fashions from Italy 2002. Since I was living in Florence, Italy at that time, I didn’t need anything. The only highlight was a t-shirt that said Dearborn Heights. Yeah, weird.

After an hour, everybody joined me in being ready to leave after they had all dropped 100 euros on clothes. We wandered a bit before finding ourselves in a shopping mall. Here we wasted another hour. Katherine bought her infamous AIDS keychain while Jose Manuel and I wandered around checking out the electronics. There was nothing exciting and it was all overpriced compared to the states. But afterwards, it was of course time to eat, AGAIN. So we went to the food court and after inspecting everything we just about went to eat at the buffet. However, at this point I actually put my foot down. And said, “I don’t want eat a buffet. I’m not even hungry after that steak I had for lunch. Mmmm, it was ssoooo good.”

To which, one of the Jill’s replied “It’s not always about what YOU want to do.”

Now I had kept my mouth shut through toast, bickering, misdirection, lunch, more bickering, and ice cream. But now I had to take into account what OTHERS wanted to do! Screw that! Well, I let them have it at this point... “All day long we’ve wasted time eating, and doing things you wanted to do. When is it time to do what I want to do. Now I’m not pissing away money on a buffet dinner when I’m not even hungry!” Everyone now realized Tondar meant business, so we comprimised and went and had Chinese food like nobody wanted. I still wasn’t happy about it. But since the entire day had been an abortion anyways, I went along and did what the desires of the nag-patrol.

After dinner, we of course had to have one more fight on which way to get back to our hostal. Since neither Jill knew their way around the medieval neighborhoods they decided it was best to go Tondar’s way. Luckily they could feel justified in this since they wasted 20 more minutes bickering. We then made our way up the hill. But just before we returned to the hostal I turned the tables on the kids and insisted they were going the wrong way. I threw a fit and just as I had convinced them they were going the wrong way, I turned and started heading down the right road saying. "See, it sucks when somebody keeps trying to convince you to go the wrong way." They called me an asshole and at that moment I could only smile and laugh because yes, I was being an asshole.

Back at the hostal, Morena Jill passed out immediately in bed. Poor thing, she was plum-tuckered out. Rubia Jill then had to tell us how she was going to bed and that Jose Manuel would have to suck it up since he was not going to be getting anything even close to action. With that, Ole Tondar brushed the teeffs and climbed into bed. It was a rough day. Now I know I'm not the best person to travel with, but this day will certainly go down in history as an untondarrific day. An abortion of an incest indeed.

NEW ELECTION MAP

We have all seen the Red vs. Blue map from the 2000 election. Here, is a new map that breaks down presidential politics by region and interest. Check out their strategies for both the Democrats and the Republicans for '04. The Republicans need to focus on certain counties that barely turned states for Gore in 2000. While the democrats need to focus on winning the Latino and Howard Dean's "confederate" vote.

THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA

These days you don't hear too much about what's right with America. However, Monday there will be a new Air and Space museum opening as a testiment to America's greatness in the 20th Century. Check out all the cool artifacts that will be on display. From Earhart's flightsuit to the "Enola Gay" to the space shuttle "Enterprise," this museum is a testament to everything America has not only done right, but has done better than the rest of the world during the last 100 years.

THE REST OF THE 'CRATS

Sure we all know the famous 9 democratic candidates for president. Well thanks to Seth here is a rundown of the more obscure...

"Monkey Democrats: (Gary Coleman Democrats, Waste-your-vote Democrats, etc.)

Warren Ashe - Campaigns as former President of the U.N. and Carter's White
House, fought in the Navy, Army, AND Air Force. Too bad none of it's true.

Donald P. Award - Another Jewish guy from Connecticut who likes the environment
and tending the garden in his suburban home.

Robert Ayers - Always files to run for president, then doesn't run. North
Carolina.

Katherine Bateman - Illinois soccer mom who made it on the NH ballot in 2000 but
got to Iowa late because of traffic and had to pick up Susy from swim practice.

Jerry Beck - CEO of an anti-pollution tech company, economy Democrat who
idolizes Harry Truman.

Sanderson Beck - World Peace candidate, Ph.D. and professor of philosophy at UCLA. Doesn't say anywhere but I'm sure he smokes a *-load of pot.

Jim Bollinger - Holds two Ph.D. degrees, was President of Everything, and claims we're all his children. No, literally, we're all his children. He thinks he's God. Weirdo.

Harry Braun III - Created "Project Phoenix" and also a Pollution Engineering company CEO. He's the guy who loses to John McCain every time the Senator is up for re-election. Not a bad guy, although he's running for President not to win but to advertize his energy plans.

Willie Felix Carter - Pentecostal Church Deacon, war hero, has nine kids. Would make a much better black leader than Sharpton or Jesse Jackson.

Patrick Cazneau - California hack who's anti-abortion, pro school prayer, pro
socialized medicine, and pro national parks. Californians are weird, man.

Randy Crow - North Carolina freak show who's lost his average campaign (Senate,
Congress, City Council, who has to do the dishes) by a mean of 94% to 6%. Hates
Jews. Hates Commies. Thinks the FBI has a computer chip in his
butt-hole.Believes the world is run by a secret Zionist "Omega Force" and
believes we're living in the end-times and that he's the "Returning Christ."
Also runs as a Republican or Independent - whatever mood he's in that day.
Freakiest freak at the freak show candidate.

Gerry Dokka - Old radio personality who wants peace in the middle east.

John Estrada - Ol' Estrada from Nevada, he's the guy who found the dirt on Condit and ran him out of office. Hated Clinton; he's more Conservative than Bush, maybe even Jerry Falwell. Nativist, internet-savvy, and the working man's friend. A Democratic Pat Buchanon? Yuck!

Susan Fey - Elementary School teacher who was a key personality in the early
AIDS awareness battles. She runs a grass-roots campaign based on oneness.
Environmental activist, all-around nice lady. As president, would rival Taft for
biggest waist-line.

Al Hamburg - Wyoming native wears a Nazi helmet in campaign photos, he's a
military wacko who thinks beaurocrats are out to get him and that's why he's
lost 14 straight presidential elections.

Vincent Hamm - Computer consultant in Colorado, ultra-liberal, wants to legalize drugs, give military funding to school funding.

Amanda Lou Hardy - Washington D.C. assistant (secretary) in Clinton White House
thinks she learned enough to make it on her own. Competes for Star Trek votes.

Ken Hill - A "working man" he seems to think a lot of himself.

Alfonzo Jones - New Yorker who might take 50 percent of his family's votes in
the NY primary.

Caroline Killeen - Pro Marijuana and Peace candidate. Never learned the '60s
ended

Lyndon H. LaRouche - 81-year old, college dropout who first ran against Kennedy, he's a major conspiracy theorist.

Glenn Leaverton - Californian. That's all we know. He's from California.

R. Randy Lee - New York real estate broker, hopes to use campaign to advertize.

Grady Dean Mollenhour Jr. - Sometimes called the "Reverend" he seems cultish but
did serve in the Army and the worked in Job Corps. Holds a high school GED.

Fred Ogin - Vietnam War vet, kind of a lunatic. Oregon.

Bill Pearman - Serious candidate, former teacher, who's pretty centric on issues
and wants to make enough noise to get the top candidates to pay attention to the
national deficit and close tax loopholes for big business.

Fern Penna - Millionaire at 19, seems to be running on a lower taxes, homeland
security platform because he's been bored ever since.

James Prattas - "Love is the Doorway In." Running 'cause he hates Bush so darn
much, but loves you all so darn much. Also an artist.

Adam Safran - "An Everyday Guy for Everyday Americans." Always appears with his kids. Californian who "competes to win."

Oloveuse S. "Ole" Savior - Eccentric artist and poet wants to get rid of nuclear missiles so Jesus can come.

Craig Sharp - Texas substitute teacher and radio announcer, runs for shits and giggles.

Lenny or Denny Talbow - Got one vote in 2002 Arizona gubernatorial election as
"Lenny" and another as "Denny." He doesn't remember which one he wrote.

Jim Taylor - Filmmaker and writer, massage therapist, making a movie about his
candidacy. Platform: "Everything is crappy"

Evelyn Vitullo - Ugly Arizona Sunday School teacher wants to cut foreign aid, eliminate wasteful spending, reform education, protect Social Security, make abortion illegal, and bring Jesus back into the Democrats' collective souls. Oh God is she ugly.

Lucian Wojciechowski - Polish Catholic running supposedly as a pro-Polish Catholic Democrat. We need a Polish Catholic in the White House apparently."

SETH ON THE DEMOCRATS

With 9 candidates to chose from who will be the democrat to take on George W. Bush. Here is Seth's concise and unbiased breakdown...

"Synopsis of leading Democrats' chances to win the Party's nomination:

Howard Dean: The front-runner because he's the most inspiring of the nine. Once
you get a lead, you get all the campaign contributions and endorsements from the
guys who want to endorse the winner. He's the political outsider (see Kerry) who
knows politics (see Clark) and his background in medicine makes him a hero (see lawyer, professional politician). He's more liberal than some of the other candidates but not so much as he's been painted, I think. Dean's basically a Democrat hero: a New England Democrat with gravitas. He also captures the West Wing Democrats who see him as the most likely candidate to become our dream president: Jed Bartlett.

John Kerry: If everyone got their jobs solely based on qualifications, this guy would have the White House. Kerry has a marvelous sense of politics and was also a war hero. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, John Kerry the candidate can't seem to show Democrats what exactly he was going to accomplish as President. He's made an excellent camapaign to be the next Secretary of State. As a presidential candidate, however, he just can't get people to think about him as anything but a Washington politician even after saying "Fuck" and driving into the Tonight Show on a motorcycle. Being the best at anti-Bush rhetoric doesn't necessarily make you the best chance to beat Bush.

Wesley Clark: If there was ever a more wasted opportunity to get another Eisenhower, Clark is it. Like Ike, Wesley was one of those hero-generals who liked to speak his mind. Had he gone straight to the national election, Clark could have defeated Bush. But Wes showed that he wasn't ready to go through a national primary campaign, let alone a presidential one. Here's your next Vice President or Secretary of Defense, but I think he squandered his 15 minutes. As much as we say we hate career politicians, there's a reason that career politians have had such successful political careers: they know the game.

Lieberman: The Conservative Democrat's choice, once you get a guy saying "values" too often in Democrat circles, our Dan Quayle alarms start going off. Here's the thing, and this is not just an anti-Bush remark: George W. Bush has polarized American politics. People either love him or hate him, and the latter happen to be Democrats. So once it was clear that Joe was the most Bush-like of the field, his chances of winning the Democratic nomination disappeared. Gore picked him to win Florida and appeal to the political center, but he managed to do neither. He can't win a national election. I think the religion thing becomes a factor when you consider that 80 percent of this country and 90 percent of likely voters celebrate Christmas.

Dick Gephardt - Lost this one the day that the AFLCIO said they're going with
Dean. Hold on.... no..... lost this one in 1994 when the Republicans took over
the House. Wait, no, lost this election when he couldn't beat out Mike Dukakis....I mean MIKE DUKAKIS!!! Iowa likes him because he looks like an ear of corn. C'mon, doesn't he look like an ear of corn? Doesn't he?

Dennis Kucinich - Not every kid star can grow up to be Ron Howard. Like Shirley
Temple's cheeks, his idealistic liberalism was cuter when he was younger.

Al Sharpton - Not in a million years. You want further depth? Okay, not in 998,476 years, ten months, and 13 days. Sorry, Al, but your talk of Nationalized Health Care doesn't change the fact that you're

Carol Mosley Braun - (KAR-el MOES-li BROWN) 1. The female candidate running under the slogan "take the men-only sign off the oval office door." 2. The black candidate running to make sure Al Sharpton isn't the only guy speaking for African Americans. 3. The lady we got to run so Al Sharpton would have to split the black vote.

Bob Edwards - Didn't get the memo that the Democrats had lost the South and weren't going with a Dixie Democrat this time. Currently running for Vice President (doesn't say anything mean about Dean).

With Gore's sudden announcement (yes, I just used "Gore" and "sudden" in the
same sentence) favoring Dean, you have to like Howard's chances. But there's
still one big battle left to go before we hand out the Democratic nomination and
it's not in Iowa or New Hampshire. Bill Clinton has yet to endorse anyone. If he
picks Dean, it's Dean in a landslide. If he picks Kerry, he'll possibly jump to #1. If Clinton goes with fellow Arkansas native (Arkansan? Arkansonian? Arkansasitizen?) Clark, it will rejuvinate that campaign and ruin Kerry's chances. Those are the three most Clinton-esque candidates on the roster. Edwards, Lieberman, and Gephardt aren't really Bill's favorite people (Lieberman voted in the Senate to have Clinton removed from office, remember?), Kucinich, Braun, and Sharpton are too far left for his tastes.

Overall, the Democrats tried to win the 2000 election with a soft, we're centrist approach, and lost the left. African Americans turned out for 2000 in record lows while the Green Party had its best election ever. Today, the Democratic Party feels that this next election will be won the old fashioned way: by motivating your base. Bush has gone with this same approach in going out of his way to please big business and the religious right (something his father never accomplished) and including them in his re-election bid. In 2000, Bush and Gore went after the soccer moms. This time, it's who can get more of their gang to the polls and the center will just have to pick sides."

TONDAR ON THE ENVIRONMENT

Sure we all want to protect our one and only earth, but at what cost? Is global warming something new? Is it being caused by volcanos or factories? Do we shut down all factories and halt all automobiles? Here is a new study that says that prehistoric man caused a global warning that has benefited mankind. This is all very interesting but I would like to see some true facts about how much damage we are actually doing to the earth, that is not provided by eco-nuts with a socialist agenda. The real problem with the environmental debate is that it is difficult to find unbiased concrete evidence to support any conclusion about man's current rate of pollution. If you disagree have a look at the flawed data presented by the leftist Guardian.

WEEKEND PLANS

I talked to the kids about declaring a Kalimatxo night in Ann Arbor this weekend and this is what they had to say...

"You picked a good weekend. We will have to do lots of drinking. T-Bag will be out of town duking Angeline in the fart box, but no worries. Lots of wife beating and bed wetting will ensue."

It's a shame Big-Daddy Tres won't be around to partake of Shenanigans. But it sounds like the Second (and final) Kalimatxo Night of 2003 will take place this weekend. Get psyched!

CHRISTMAS LINK OF THE DAY

Here's another site dedicated to the jolly fat man in red. Money quote...

"Loudly, rebuke him! Announce to all the children in the store "Not only is Santa a lie, he will ravage you sexually, drink your blood and drag your palpating carcasses down to Hell with him!" It is only through setting a good example that we can put the Christ back in Christmas."

SETH'S THANKSGIVING TURKEYS

It's a bit late but I was in Europe. DEAL WITH IT.

"Turkeys for Turkey day...ESPN's columnist David Fleming lists his turkeys of the year every Thanksgiving. I thought I'd start my own list. Yes, we overlap a bit... just don't read his and you'll be cool.

- Joey Harrington. Oh, Joey, you're the perfect quarterback. You're young, a team leader, a great community giver, a guy with a winning smile, a good arm, good legs, and you're extremely dedicated. Except for that little part of the job that entails playing the quarterback position in NFL football games, you're our hero. Yeah, you need targets and your receiving corps has Chuck Rogers injured, Shroeder who couldn't catch a cold, and Az Akim who's everywhere on the field except "open." Yeah, you could use a running game... any running game...y'know, maybe like 50 yards on the ground even. But this is year 2 and you stink. You're letting yourself get baited and out-witted. You're off target... a lot. Really, even with good protection, you're off target. I'm sick of waiting. I name thee turkey.

-Randy Moss. Best Lions play last week? Randy Moss getting called for taunting.
He caught a first down pass, wide open, on 2nd and 3, on a pretty run-of-the-mill 5 yard play. Then he whooped it up to the Lions' Dre Bly. Then he got warned to shut up. Then he continued. Then he got flagged. Then the crowd booed. Then Randy bitched at the refs. Then the crowd started screaming for him to shut up. Then he got called for game misconduct. Then the Vikings had to take a timeout. What in the world is wrong with you? You know, Turkeys can't go out in the rain because they might forget to breathe and drown themselves. Turkey.

-Keyshawn Johnson. What's with receivers? You actually get the ball coming your
way a maximum of 12 plays all game. 12! There's over 100 plays in a game and the
camera's on you for 12...that's tops. The rest of the time you're supposed to be
blocking, or getting beat by a defensive back. Or getting nailed by a linebacker. So Misters Randy Moss and Terrell Owens, who are the best at that position, what made you decide you were somehow God's great gift to the gridiron? Lucky for you turkeys, there's Keyshawn Johnson, who stopped coming to practice, wrote a book called, "Pass me the ball," about how his team's biggest problem was not passing the ball to him. So where is Johnson now? He got benched by the crappy (this year at least) Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the rest of the season in favor of Charles Lee. Gobble on that, Turkey.

-People who don't know anything about John Navarre except that he faces lots of
criticism. Every Michigan game, every article about Michigan, every mention of
Michigan since July, 2001, has been about the much-maligned Navarre. Okay, he
did get it. He got it worse that Brady. He got it worse that Griese... and Griese got it BAD. His dad had to change his number in 2001 because Michigan fans were calling him to say his son sucked. But he didn't get bitched about from all sides, from everyone! It's old. It's tiresome. We all know Navarre well. We know he throws strikes and balls and every pitch is high heat. We know someone in the NFL is going to teach him touch and make him a decent pro passer by 2007. Stop talking about his maligning! It's over-reporting, an old story, and just hurts our recruiting, you damn Turkeys.

-Steve Spurrier. Someone once had the great idea that ESPN was completely right about what makes a good football strategy, either that or he played too many EA Sports football games, and decided that going long every damn down, spending all day in the Dime package, and rotating quarterbacks more than his underwear was the way to win football games. That man is Steve Spurrier. Unfortunately for the guy who'd be a Scotty Bowman genius if his incessant strategy changes worked 90 percent more often than they do. He's the guy who at any time on offense could have you guessing between the play where his guy throws an incompletion, the play where his guy gets sacked, or the play where his guy throws an interception. I say "his guy" because he treats his QBs like condoms. One game, and done. You...turkey.

-Rush Limbaugh. The guy got hired so people would tune in wondering what
inflammatory, right-wing thing he would say next. Brilliant strategy so long as
he keeps you wondering when he's going to say it. But then, the idiot blows his
load on the dumbest comment imaginable: "Donavan McNabb is overrated because the
Liberal Media wants a black quarterback to succeed." First of all, McNabb IS a
great QB, although his season's been up and down, so football-wise the comment
is just stupid. Then throw in the fact that it was racially charged and a baseless accusation of bias directed right at the people he worked for, and you just have to shake your head. Whine all you like about people making a big deal about his rather hypocritical pill-popping problem; he set himself up with one of the greatest foot-in-mouth episodes I've ever witnessed. Seriously guy, you're a Turkey.

-Jeremy Shockey. Do you remember when the Giants maneuvered like cats to pick up
this steal for their future Tight End in the draft? Seems Jeremy gets more
yardage with his mouth than on the football field. Sidelined by avoidable
injuries, he's now getting even more opportunity to shoot his mouth, which seems
to work independently of a brain, off into a New York City media that always
leaves the mike on for ya. He's a decent Tight End, except for the fact that he
thinks being in his second NFL season makes him some sort of spokesperson for
his team and league. All-Pro? More like All-Fowl. Turkey.

-Kellen Winslow. Great Tight Ends always come in pairs. Kellen Winslow Jr. is
basically the Yang to Shockey's Yin. Kellen is the son of a great old NFL
legend, a smart and friendly guy by all accounts. But Junior, tsk tsk, he seems
to think that being a Heisman candidate the first week of the season makes him
the guy who can tell it like it is. By the way, this pithy conversation comes
late in the season after Winslow had caught all of one TD pass all season and
was about to get benched for playing like crap: (after being questioned for
taking out an opposing player's legs) "Hell yes, I went for his legs. You think
they don't go after my legs? Football's a war, man. I'm a soldier!" At this
point, a reporter who once covered Winslow Sr.'s career piped up, "I completed
two tours in Vietnam, son. There are guys your age on the other side of the
world who are putting their lives on the line fighting for their country. Trust
me, you're not a soldier." Winslow's response... you gotta see the tape, it's
like a whiny, bratty, stubborn kid: "You don't know what I go through, man. You
don't know the wars I fight! I a soldier!" No, says I, you a Turkey.

-The guy who designed the new Oregon uniforms/mascot. Self-explanatory, unless you're partial to Anime get-ups and Ducks in spandex. Oh you sexy Turkeys.

-MLB Steroid Testing. The jury is out to see which plan will be more effective: mandatory 'roid testing only in March or George W. Bush's plan for voluntary compliance of environmental regulations. The verdict is in, however, that anyone who makes it easier for rule-breakers to break the rules is an absolute Turkey.

-Dom Hasek. Sorry to say, but the guy wins the Stanley Cup and retires on top in
2002. Then in 2003, he gets charges laid on him for beating someone with a
hockey stick in a roller-blade pick-up game, comes out of retirement, costs his
team $8 million in untradeable goaltending, plays like crap for a few games,
then gets injured. Oh, he's a turkey this year, but he could very well become a
golden goose in '04.

-Jaromir Jagr. He gets $11 million a year from the Capitals, who haven't had a
winning record since they got him. For reference, that's half of what the Western Conference semi-finalist Minnesota Wild pay their entire team. His team wants to trade him, bad, but Jagr, for his part, is playing more like a guy you
wouldn't offer $2 million even if the NHL wasn't headed for a lock-out, salary
cap, strike, or whatever it is they're freaking out about. You'd be on the
Rangers by now, if you weren't such a Turkey.
-Whoever coined the term "King James" in reference to LeBron. For his part, the
young Mr. James has done everything asked of him. He plays good basketball, says
the right things to the media (no "I'm a soldier" from this camp.) But then
there's the ESPN jackoffs who give him his own section. There's the shoe companies who beat each other up over who gets to give the 18-year-old an advertising contract worth more than a small country. The whole NBA-ESPN-Nike
thing is treating LeBron like the second coming. They created King James. And I
don't think anyone really really really cares all that much.

-Glenn Sather. The NHL is not the MLB. The NHL is not the MLB. The NHL is NOT
the MLB. Heading into the aforementioned lockout, salary cap, strike or
what-have-you, Sather has collected quite an array of over-priced
underachievers, and right now he's going after Jaromir Jagr. By the way, the
Rangers haven't made the playoffs since Sather's second wind of free-spending in
the late '90s. Bobby Holik, Eric Lindros, Theo Fleury, Petr Nedved, Jan Hlavac,
Martin Rucinsky, Matthew Barnaby, Anson Carter, Alexei Kovalev, Greg De Vries,
Boris Mironov, Darius Kasparaitus, Mike Dunham, Brian Leetch...I'm leaving
people out... all paid in top 25 percent of the league to have their most
ineffective seasons in New York. Mark Messier's the only guy they got for what
he's worth. Nice GM job, Turkey.

-Theo Fleury. He was one of the top scorers in the league. He was also one of the top drinkers, druggies, and carousers in the league. New York gives him a second chance; he gets put right back in rehab for the whole season. Chicago gives him another chance; he takes two rookies to a bar on a game night, gets trashed, and then caught sexually harassing a waitress. Boom, re-hab, AA, probation once again. He's a month from getting yet another chance with Chicago, he gets trashed, caught on the local news puking outside a bar, blames the Chicago GM for it, and boom, probation, AA, re-hab, the whole bit. Good God, you Turkey, what the hell is wrong with you?

-Maurice Clarrett. Maurice was the marquee player, as a true freshman running
back no less, of Ohio State's championship season. That's how he started 2003.
The rest? Maurice says he wants to play linebacker too. Maurice doesn't show up for a test then has the Professor give him the exam orally. Maurice borrows
money from his buddy King James. Maurice gets his tricked out car that he
shouldn't have had stolen, then lies to the police about what was in there.
Maurice gets upset when the NCAA suggests a three-week-to-season-long sit period
as a reprimand. Maurice says he should be able to play in the NFL, even though
it would ruin college football. Maurice gets Jim Brown to be his attorney.
Maurice makes his chances at NCAA eligibility about slim-to-none. Maurice gets
fat. Maurice swears that OSU screwed him by not fighting to get his sentence
reduced. Maurice has Jim Brown whine that OSU screwed Maurice by not fighting to
get his sentence reduced. Maurice swears he'll never play football again for OSU. NCAA replies that he certainly won't be playing for the Buckeyes because his asinine attitude the past few months ruined his eligibility but good.
Maurice can't be in the NFL draft until 2005, but still wants to sue the NFL (which would take until 2007 at least) just 'cause he's pissed off. Maurice
Clarrett, you, my friend, are an exceptional Turkey. In fact, congratulations, you're the Turkey of the Year.

KATHERINE'S CONTINUING ADVENTURE IN EUROPE

Here's another mass email from Katherine letting America know what she is up to during her semester abroad. Of course I had to edit for length but here's her rundown.

"Well, I don´t mean to brag, but I have to tell you all about the fab weekend I had! First off, it was crazy as usual, but the one of the best weekends of my life at the same time.

I skipped Thursday classes and rolled out of Seville for Madrid, and then flew to Geneva, Switzerland. We stayed in Geneva that night and went out to the bar with some guys from England that we met. The money in Switzerland is different since they are one of the 3 countries not on the Euro. So, I had to take a souvenir from the bar since I paid so much for my drink :)

Friday we got up early and went to a French Creperie for breakfast. WOW.... french crepes and hot swiss chocolate! Damn! I was in heaven already! Then we took a tour of the city and went shopping and bought lots of chocolate (I won´t even tell you how much I spent... it is sick. But it is mostly for other people, and I had to try the millions of different kinds!) Next we had fondue... a popular thing of Switz since they are known for cheese and such. It was really cool, and they made it right at our table for us. Then we went and saw the UN building since Geneva is the headquarters for the UN, and then we bought some swiss army knives before heading to our great destination of Gyron.

We took a train up into the mountains to stay at our chalet. The second we got there I almost passed out because it was so beautiful! WOW!!!!!!! It was amazing, and the inside was even better. It was full of cool young travelers, and it was like a big happy family. We had a beautiful room with a great view of the mountains, and it was so damn awesome! We made dinner together that night and then got up early for a day of skiing. Yes, I know I am crazy. For those of you who don´t know, I have never gone skiing in my life before. Why not start in the Swiss Alps, right? Well, my friends and I were the only beginners in this place! We got there, and it was over a glacier in the mountains. We took a lift thing up, and then the guy Matt told us to go down the hill on our asses since we couldn´t get down there on the skis. So, being the daring one, I went first in the group. The second my butt touched the snow I literally flew.... off the track and onto a different one! I lost both skis and almost killed 2 snowboarders, and then I was tumbling down the hill screaming help... but no one understood me since they all speak French. I finally got control 3/4 of the way down the hill, and my friends met me down there laughing their asses off. I really almost died... I could have gotten hit by a skier! Not only were my friends laughing, but everyone on the mountain! At least my friends fell and rolled too... but not as bad as me!

So we got our lesson, and then I made it down part of the hill only to fall several times. I got on the TBAR lift and fell off and made a scene, but it was hilarious. Then I tried again, and fell some more. I have to admit I am crazy... but it was a great adventure. The view up there was breathtaking.... I can´t wait to show you pics. I was smart and brought an underwater cam with me so I could use it up there! On the way up, I fell off of the chair lift right as I was gettin off becasue I tripped over a kid next to me....oops! Anyway, it was quite the day!

That night we had a campfire at our chalet with a bunch of cool people we met from all over the world. After that, we had a wine tasting party hosted by Matt, our ski instructor. We got to try over 12 diff types of wine and learn all about them, and by the end we were all tipsy! Matt drove us to a club down the mountain where we danced the night away, and on the way home we all sang Christmas carols and had a blast!

Sunday was purely heavenly. We slept in and then did some grocery shopping so we could cook a yummy dinner. Then I took a 3 hour nap in my nice warm bed with a view of the mountains, and at 5:30 we took off for the thermal spa. There were a bunch of us, and Matt drove us to this awesome place where we got to sit in saunas, have water massages, swim in hot tubs, and all of this was outdoors! Of course I had that underwater camera, so I can´t wait to show you guys just how cool this place was! We were sitting under the stars chilling outdoors in the middle of the mountains in a gigantic thermal pool! WOW!!! It was like a dream! Then we went and sat in these Turkish steam baths where we relaxed and ecualyptis was pumped into the rooms. It was amazing, and great way to spend the 3 hours at the thermal spa!

Later that night we made a great dinner with steamed veggies and chicken, and then hung out with some new friends over hot swiss chocolate. Today, we got up early and headed back to Spain where I am now unfortunately.... I can´t wait to go back to Switzerland. THis was without a doubt the best weekend here so far! I am already planning on when I can get a whole week to go back there!..."

THE ONLY TRAIN TO EVER LEAVE D-TOWN

Pigpen and I were discussing this the other day. Since the NFL began playing Superbowls no headcoach of the Detroit Lions has gone on to hold another job afterwards...Until now. Which now raises the question: When is Captain Incomptetant, only hired you to shift attention away from our white head coach, Bobby Williams going to get his walking papers? On top of that, why does the state of Michigan get stuck with all the Brian Ellerbees of coaching.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Seth's Brother Ben: "Michigan State really is Michigan's biggest rival."
Tres: "No they're not, dude. Michigan State's like playing against your little brother who you have to let win sometimes so your Mom doesn't yell at you. Ohio State's the big kid down the street who's your age and you both just want to kick the shit out of each other."

MORE BAD PREDICTIONS

Seth is once again taking the kids to task for their horrible preseason predictions. This my friends is the beauty of the blog...

"Wrong people are fun to play with. I know it's unfair to hold everybody to their preseason predictions, but seeing as I'm usually at least close to right, I feel it's within my rights to remind some of the people who pissed me off the most in September about their uncanny ability to spew rectal waste product from the esauphegus.

I sent you the one about how the Big Ten is in trouble a while ago. Here's one that's better... Oh, MSU, why you gotta be a hater. Money quote...

"This is the season. Hopes are high. So high in fact, that MSU is rated as high as 11th in some preseason pubs. So high in fact that State not only should be, but also will be better than Michigan. It's a rarity indeed where the green and white are better on paper than the corn and blue but if ever there was such a season, that season is upon us." (June 24, 2002)

So Spartypants, how did that 2002 season go, anyway?"

NOT THE BEST WEEK

This time Presidential Candidate John Kerry can't keep his consultants under control. Check out the internal memo attached to this email to the New Republic (which can still suck it for becoming a pay site).

CRAP SITE OF THE DAY

I honor of the Christmas season...

TONDAR'S ADVENTURE TO SPAIN

Day 2: A Fragment Of An Abortion Resulting From A Hideous Incest

Friday November, 23 began with Ole Tondar nursing a hangover while recovering from jet lag. My day started at 11:15 so I could be out of the hostal by noon. Unfortunately Katherine's phone was broken so I spent 2 hours wandering around the city. Trying to call her from different locations while I hauled my suitcase and backpack from plaza to plaza. Eventually when the batteries on my walkman died, I knew I had to act. So I somehow found my way back to Katherine's school and I was able to get the number of one of the Jills. It turned out to be Rubia Jill and she let me into the school where we hungout and I posted logisticas. By the time Katherine fixed her phone and rolled into school most of the day had been shot, no Cruzcampo brewery (with endless free samples), no museums, and no churches.

All we had time to do was pick up the rental care and get ready to go to Lisboa, Portugal. Before we could go we had to pick up some things at Katherine's house. So she double parked and I held down the car. This was an ok parking spot considering that Europe has more cars than suitable parking spots. I stayed behind because she was going to be "quick." While I was waiting and waiting, some a--hole in a bus decided to come down this street. Luckily, he squeaked by with a good 3 inches to spare as I sat shotgun and was able to fold in our mirror to prevent it from being ripped off as he plowed through. Katherine finally came back about 15 minutes later. It turns out she lived 2 blocks away and up 4 floors. Of course, I didn't realize this when I said, "Glad you could stroll on back Uncle Pokey."

Eventually we picked up the rest of the kids, Morena Jill, Rubia Jill, and Jose Manuel, and we hit the road. For only being gone 2 nights the kids sure packed alot. Jose brought food, magazines, and about 20 CDs (and their cases), while the girls had WAY to many bags for a weekend trip across the border. During the 4 hr ride through the rain I sat shotgun and was in charge of the music. I tried to keep up, but with 2 girls nagging like Dark Lord Denise it was difficult to manage the Dido, Chicago (the soundtrack), the rap, la musica latina, and good ole Norah Jones (just for you Seth). When we got to Lisbon we crossed the Ponte 25, Abril. This bridge is amazing because it's about 300 feet above the ground and is 2 kilometers long. It was also built by the same company and engineers that built the Mackinaw Bridge.

The other side of the bridge is the Southern half of Lisboa. It's a mess of medeival neighborhoods twisting and turning in a horrible labrynth lacking only a Minator. Well we cruised into town about 11pm and did not find our hostal until 1 am. For 2 hours we drove around the central part of Lisbon in the pouring rain looking for a place that doesn't show up on the map becuase it is in a neighborhood that is too small and really only accessable by foot or cable car. I was trying to navigate from the shotgun position but this was almost impossible since roads are not labeled in Europe. Needless to say I took little heat for that one. I should have seen it as a sign of things to come during the next 2 days. At about 130am we come staggering into our specific hostal (because Katherine found it necessary to make reservations in the off-season) and immediately crash so we can be ready to rock the next morning. However, like a Peter Paul and Mary concert, there was little rocking to be had.

DROPPING F-BOMBS

The best description I've heard of Presidential candidate John Kerry says that he has the integrity of a Clinton and the charm of Al Gore. Of course when your campaign is taking a dump, drop some F-Bombs and see if you can get more air-time. After all there is no such thing as bad publicity.

SETH ON THE BCS

Personally I would like to see the top two teams play another game after the Rose and Sugar bowls just to make sure we get the right National Championship. This is important to make sure Oklahoma doesn't get any sympathy share. Of course, Michigan can solve this conundrum by doing what it does best on Jan. 1st, RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY by defeating USC. What do you think Seth...

"It's time to drop the BCS.

No, not when the contract runs out. Do it right now. I'm serious. As of today, we're done with the little experiment.

Oh, there will be lawsuits. The Sugar Bowl, Orange Bowl, and Fiesta Bowl will claim that bowing out of the contract now will kill their future revenue from hosting a national championship game.

But the BCS has gotten out of hand. Three times now, a team ranked 2 or higher in both polls has not gone to the national championship game. That means half of the BCS games we've seen haven't been #1 versus #2.

Today's insult to the USC Trojans was the last straw. Southern California is ranked #1 in both polls, and they're not going to the national championship. The writers have made it clear that if USC beats Michigan in Pasadena, they'll be crowned the AP champions. So much for a decisive winner, eh?

It's just not working. The BCS was supposed to make sure human emotion didn't affect who the national championship went to - using the 1997 coaches' decision to elevate Nebraska to their #1 because they liked the Huskers' coach as its catalyst. But since the BCS was put in place, no matter how much they tinkered with it, the computers have not been able to win our trust. Rather, it's the human polls that sports fans point at as the yardstick for BCS success.

Has it worked at all? Take a look at the games: (*-contested selection)

1998 (Fiesta): #1 Tennessee defeats #2 Florida State
1999 (Sugar): #1 Florida State defeats #2 Virginia Tech
2000 (Orange): #1 Oklahoma defeats #3 Florida State*
2001 (Rose): #1 Miami defeats #4 Nebraska*
2002 (Fiesta): #2 Ohio State defeats #1 Miami
2003 (Sugar): #2 LSU versus #3 Oklahoma*

Now let's go back and imagine there was no BCS those years.

1998: #1 Tennessee, by virtue of being SEC champs, would have played in the Sugar Bowl. Whoever they played, had Tenn. still won, they would have been the sole undefeated team in college football and thus National Champions. Note: under today's BCS, it would have been AP and Coaches #3 Ohio State who played Tenn.

1999: Clear #1 Florida State would have gone to the Orange Bowl and played either #2 Virginia Tech, Tennessee, Michigan, or Kansas State. Virginia Tech could have played Alabama in the Sugar Bowl, with both teams finishing undefeated, but FSU would have still captured both polls.

2000: Undefeated #1 Oklahoma would host the Fiesta Bowl against Florida State or Miami, the very two teams that were in contention for the right to lose to the Sooners in the national championship game.

2001: Undefeated #1 Miami, rather than beat up on #4 Nebraska in Pasadena, would have hosted the Huskers in the Orange Bowl en route to a national championship.

2002: #2 undefeated Ohio State would have rolled over a re-match with Washington State, while #1 undefeated Miami could have faced Iowa or USC en route to a perfect season. So in this case, the BCS did us a favor - providing an instant classic and a match-up of the two undefeated teams.

2003: #2 LSU will square off against #3 Oklahoma. But what if there was no BCS?
Rose Bowl: USC versus Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State versus Florida State
Sugar Bowl: LSU versus Oklahoma
Orange Bowl: Miami versus Ohio State

So there really isn't any difference, except for the fact that if USC wins the Rose Bowl the BCS could create a split national champion. The coaches poll, even if the coaches like USC, has to pick the BCS NC for its #1, whereas with the same match-ups, the coaches would have had the freedom to choose for themselves after the bowls were over.

Aside from the 2002 exception, the BCS has done nothing to change the National Championship team, create better bowl match-ups, eradicate error, or protect us from a split NC.

It's a computer system, but rankings need to be human-based. The BCS recently took out margin of victory because it couldn't tell the difference between a simple blow-out and when a team was running up the score (which made teams run up the score, obviously). Human pollsters, however, have the ability to watch the games and see for themselves if a team was "running up the score" or if the loser was just that badly beaten. Take the recent Oklahoma game; human pollsters watched the Sooners get taken apart by Kansas State and knew it meant that Oklahoma was not as good of a football team as predicted. But computers can't tell the difference between getting your a$$ handed to you in the Big XII title game and Florida State throwing downfield when up 55-3 on Duke.

Statistics don't always tell the story; a late-game comeback to beat a mid-level team 14-9 without your star player says more about a team than, say, a 30-7 drubbing versus a ranked opponent who's without their top playmaker.

The modern system also provides an unfair advantage to teams playing in easier BCS conferences, which is why six Big East and ACC teams have played in the game as opposed to four from the stronger conferences, Big Ten, Big XII, Pac-10 and SEC combined. Teams are encouraged to schedule mid-majors in their non-conference schedule; giving us Michigan v. Central Michigan instead of Michigan/Notre Dame for September programming. The programs that have a shot at winning a BCS NC don't want to ruin it by beating up on each other before then!

College football isn't about taking home the Sears Trophy in January. The game is one of tradition, regional rivalries, bragging rights, pageantry, and forcing the world of academics and pop culture to co-exist like a societal version of The Real World. The NFL needs a Superbowl, but the NCAA game is too big for universalism; rather it thrives on Michigan/Ohio State, Auburn/Alabama, the option offense, and Notre Dame. It's an association, not a league, and because of that we can call a 2-10 Army versus 4-7 Navy game "important" and televise Div. I-AA Harvard versus Yale just to see what M.I.T. is going to do to them.

The bowl games themselves aren't meant to decide which specific football team was the best that year. Rather, they're set up as exhibitional rivalries between conferences. They pit the champion of the Big Ten against that of the Pac-10, each embodying competing styles of play, to determine which region was better.

A BCS National Championship game thus ignores what makes College Football great. When Michigan defeated Ohio State to capture the Big Ten championship outright this year, the Big Ten commissioner and a representative from the Rose Bowl entered the winning locker room as per tradition to offer the champs an invitation to the Pasadena Tournament of Roses. But rather than Lloyd Carr accepting with glee, we received sober statements like "we'll have to see where we end up in a few weeks." Excuse me, but I'd rather have post-season plans doled out to dirty uniform-clad players under a shower of champagne than find out on a web page two weeks from Sunday.

And what about the 2001 Big Ten Champion Illinois team; they were kept from ever seeing Pasadena - the goal that every Big Ten football player has played for since the tie-in was made officital - because it was the Rose Bowl's turn to host the NC game.

True, people care about National Championships - especially programs like Florida State or Miami that until next year have been playing in relatively weak conferences. A Big Ten, Big XII, SEC, or Pac-10 title is t-shirt-worthy accomplishment. Florida State winning the ACC or Miami taking the Big East is usually pretty much a given. But I've met a lot of Ohio State fans and they're more apt to mention that they beat Michigan last year than bring up their victory over Miami.

So the BCS is unneccessary from a fan's standpoint, but the kicker - it hasn't even made more money. Aside from the aforementioned Ohio State/Miami game, the BCS NC game hasn't garnered more viewership than the Rose Bowl gets simply for being the Rose Bowl (and for being played on New Years Day afternoon rather than the evening to late hours of a mid-work week January 4th). Finanancially speaking, the system doesn't generate that much more revenue and also creates national disinterest in non-NC bowls, even if they're part of the BCS.

Overall, the Bowl Championship Series system has accomplished none of its goals while undermining the very things that make college football so popular. It's a marked failure; though worth a try, the BCS can never be tweaked enough to provide anything beyond one more stupid poll to follow. And that's what got us here in the first place!"