Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO...

It finally makes sense that Al Gore (the man that invented the internet), would endorse Howard Dean. It seems both of them have a problem with stretching the truth. Check out this NYTimes article about Dean's POW/MIA brother that actually was never in the military. Who's misleading the American people now?
JUST PUCKING AROUND

Notes and observations from around the NHL by Seth...

"-The Red Wings have cause to worry if lowly Nashville manages to hang on in the West. The Predators have made the West-leading Wings their favorite prey so far this year, holding a 3-0 season advantage. If the current standings held out, Detroit would be facing their conference not-so-much rivals Nashville in Round 1 of the playoffs. Remember, last year the Mighty Ducks had the Wings' number in the regular season before sweeping the then defending champions out of the first round.

-A quick glance at the current standings could give the casual viewer a horribly inaccurate account of which teams are playing the best hockey. Don't be fooled by seeing Detroit over St. Louis in the Central, nor Cindarella Atlanta hovering above Tampa Bay in the Atlantic Division. St. Louis has played five fewer games than the Wings; Tampa Bay has six in hand on the Thrashers. A split for either of those teams over the games in hand would give them the division lead. In the same vein, Philadelphia has only had five games this season in which they didn't receive at least a point. But Toronto is playing better hockey. The Flyers, along with the San Jose Sharks, have gone to overtime on at least a third of their games.

-Since when did Detroit become the groin injury capital of the NHL? Look at this list of starters who were injured last week:
Steve Yzerman (groin), Chris Chelios (knee), Derian Hatcher (knee), Darren McCarty (back), Ray Whitney (groin), Dominick Hasek (groin), Manny Legace (knee), Curtis Joseph (flu), Steve Thomas (knee), Henrik Zetterberg (broken leg), Tomas Holmstrom (shoulder), Mathieu Dandenault (flu)

Let's put it this way. Of the 22 guys on our opening day lineup, only Pavel Datsyuk, Kris Draper, Kirk Maltby, Brendan Shanahan, Brett Hull, Nicklas Lidstrom, Jiri Fischer, and Mathieu Schneider were still standing after two months.

-Of course, as it's been for the last three years, Los Angeles still leads the league in man hours lost to injury, including Jason Allison, Adam Deadmarsh, Roman Cechmanek, Jozef Stumpel, Brad Norton, Aaron Miller, Derek Armstrong, Ian Laperriere, and as of today, Lubomir Visnovsky. They've also lost spare parts Dustin Brown, Esa Pirnes and Jared Aulin. Why can't these guys ever get a break?

-ESPN.com analysts are blaming Philadelphia's resurgence this year to the amazing prowess of rookie defenseman Joni Pitkanen. I agree that Pitkanen has been great for a rookie, but I'd like to attribute their success to the fact that they have Jeremy Roenick, Keith Primeau, Michal Handzus, Donald Brashear, Simon Gagne, John LeClair, Mark Recchi, Tony Amonte, Sami Kapanen, Justin Williams, Eric Weinrich, Chris Therien, Marcus Ragnarsson, Eric Desjardins, Kim Johnsson, and Jeff Hackett. It's the hockey equivalent of putting LeBron on the 2003-04 Lakers, then blaming their winning solely on LeBron.

-Where's Petr Sejna? Rookie analysts had this kid pegged as the second coming of, well, Petr Sejna Sr., but he's put the Blues jersey on a grand total of knyuk this year. Granted, St. Louis is playing the best hockey in the land right now, but this guy was supposed to be a lock for rookie of the year and instead his five tools are putting up only sedentiary numbers in the WHL.

-It's not even a fight anymore; the Pittsburgh Penguins have the 2003 ESPY award for the franchise you feel the most sorry for absolutely locked up. Their last transaction sold off the Pens' last big money player who didn't own the team, sending Martin Straka to Los Angeles for a couple of prospects with not much chance to make the NHL. Lemieux blames rising salary costs and the need for a new stadium for the fact that they can't get more than 12,000 fans to show up any given night. I blame the fact that they've sold off Straka, Robert Lang, Jaromir Jagr, Alexei Kovalev, Jason Wooley, Ron Francis, Petr Neded, Ed Olcyzk, Greg Johnson, Fredrik Olausson, Darius Kasparaitis, German Titov, Kevin Hatcher, Stu Barnes, Patrick Lalime, and Dmitri Mironov over the last three years at rock-bottom prices. They got a real franchise guy in 1st overall pick, goalie Marc-Andre Fleury, who's been the best player on the team. But Fleury gets a big bonus if he plays more than 22 games for the NHL club so look for him to hit the minors again next week. The last real NHL player on the team, Alexei Morozov, makes $1.5 million (about normal for a decent rookie), and reports are that Lemieux has asked his son to restructure his allowance so Morozov doesn't need to get traded too."

Monday, December 22, 2003

THE DEAN DILEMMA

Check out what Robert Novak has to say about the momentum of the Dean campaign within the Democratic party. With a widening schism between the Clinton centrists and the Dean/Gore left there may not be any candidate that can hold the party together and defeat Bush. According to Novak, Dean like McGovern in '72, has the potential to lose 49 states but nobody within the democratic party is really willing to stop him. It will be interesting to see what plays out and see how Seth tries to spin the split.
WHAT I MISSED

Yeza had a little get together over the weekend. According to Dumbs here is what I missed...

"sorry? man you guys have turned into douch bags. and no im not sorry for saying that, because come on i wasnt the one to hook up with the molely molely molely or her sister skeletor this time around. but you guys can admit it was a damn good time watching woody molest that mole on the dance floor and then finding out that matt wished his woman of the night a merry christmas. however, matt is the bigger dick because he forgot to wish her a happy new year even though woody cut out in the wee hours of the morning leaving matt to knaw his arm off or just wake up with skeletor so he could leave. in closing i guess i am sorry that you guys werent able to attend pizza house with joel and i because the pizza was hot and good. im still scratching my head as to how everyone was split up when there were only 20 people at ricks, but oh well. have a nice day and we should do this again next year. same time same place. dumbs"
DEAN/CLINTON '04

Check out this column from Bill Clinton's former sex-addicted political advisor, Dick Morris. Politically, Vice-President Hillary would work out to unite the 2 factions of the Democratic party. However, I'm not sure if both sides would be willing to come together for the sake of beating Bush. I think if Hillary actually thought a democrat could beat Bush she would run herself instead of giving up her seat and serving as second fiddle to President Dean. Also, I'm not sure Dean would be willing to give the Clintons a foot in the door to keeping control of the party. Since they took over in 1992, the party has been in steady decline. It's in the best interest of the democrats to get rid of the Clintons, however, the democrats are no strangers to making bad decisions just to spite their political enemies.
SETH ON ENDZONE SHENANIGANS

From Seth...

"First came the Lambeau Leap.

Then came the Dirty Bird Shuffle.

But this year's NFL end-zones have played host to spectacles that a Parisian Cirque du Soleil show wouldn't dream up.

Terrell Owens pulled out a sharpie and signed the football.

Joe Horn one-upped him by pulling a cell phone out of the goal-post and calling his mom.

Even Carolina's Tight End has a special end-zone dance: he sets the ball down, gives the People's Eyebrow, then elbow-slams the football wrestlemania style. This is a guy whose primary job is blocking every down?

Unsurprisingly, it's receivers who're putting on the shows. Tailback TDs really don't elicit such ego stroking; I mean, the guy either gets in there on a two-yard tussle thanks to good blocking or has to run it so far he ends up teetering on his feet until his teammates can mob him enough to maintain an erect posture.

So for you receivers out there who haven't yet come up with the right schtick, here's a few you might want to try out:

1. The Terminator: Pull out some shades, shoot down an invisible police squad, then mutter "I'll be back."

2. The Baby Snake: Plop the football on the turf, squat down, peruse a newspaper for a few seconds, then stand up leaving your "turd."

3. The Road Snake: A modified Baby Snake for road games; after leaving your pigskin droppings, proceed to wipe your ass on the opponents' endzone logo.

4. The Patriot: Takes a little planning but it's oh so rewarding. Dress up a pal like Osama, stick him in a spider hole beneath the end-zone turf, then pull him out when you score.

5. The Little Friend: After pulling off the Patriot, rather than fill in the hole, you can make a tradition out of by sticking midgets dressed like Leprechans in there to dance and throw gold around when you get six.

6. The Pimpmeister: I can't believe nobody's thought of this before. Bring a harem of your bitches to the game and have them ready to surround your grace when you cross that goal line. Randy Moss, you listening?

7. The Re-enactment: If you made a great play for six, why not demonstrate for everyone again exactly how you did it. Line up at the old line of scrimmage and run it again, you know, just in case the guys busy running their own routes or blocking didn't get to see your amazing prowess the first time.

8. The fan's perspective: Once you've got that touchdown, pull out a beach chair and cold one, then lean back, cross your legs, and enjoy the replay on the jumpotron in comfort.

9. The Action Figure: Keep a bobblehead likeness of yourself in the colored turf, as well as that of the cornerback who'll be covering you if possible, then have the figure act out that last scene into the camera.

10. The Who should I make it out to?: Why waste Paul Tagliablue's time with video reviews, investigations, and press conferences.. When you get into the paint, pull out a checkbook and pay your league fine for overcelebrating right there.

Remember, gentlemen, pulling off a successful endzone celebration takes practice, timing, and dramatic flair. This especially goes for defensive players who think they can dance like the wideouts. Ever seen an awkward cornerback try to make something up on the spot after returning an interception? No? Watch more Lions games."