Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, January 31, 2004


A true life California tale from good ole Frank....

"To All:

On Friday night I went to Das Bunker (, a goth/industrial club in LA.  I met two girls there-Alisha and Gina-who invited me to an after-hours club.  I went with them, but we found that the club was closed, so we then headed to an after-hours party in The Valley, at around 2:30 in the evening.  Now, for those of you that don’t know, The San Fernando Valley is the center of the international porn industry, which makes it a perfect and ironic setting for this story…

The house where the after-hours party took place was owned by a guy named Matt, who does movie set production.  His house was darkly adorned, painted mostly in black and reds, though not so radically that you felt that you were about to be sacrificed.  The house also had much of his work on display-predator masks, containers holding baby aliens from the Alien movie series, prop guns (as you saw in the pictures).  There was plenty of hard liquor there, which I drank with gusto.

In my opinion, the most interesting aspect of the party were the guests.  Let me list them for you:

-A pornographer and his wife

-A shaggy-haired, punk rock kid

-A busty, blond-haired hot Jewish girl

-Three thin, tall blond girls from Arizona

-An older goth couple (late-30s)

-The two girls I came with

-A homosexual male

-A dozen goths/metal-heads/industrialists


-A blue-haired Lesbian named Vesper or Blue (called the later because of her hair and was obviously in the pics I sent)

 I chit-chatted with most of the people there, who were friendlier than I anticipated, and became friendlier as the night wore on…

I forgot to mention that this house had an excellent pool, blue-lighted and heated.  

Now, after an hour at the party, someone pipes up, “Wow Matt, you have an awesome pool!”
He replied, “Yeah, feel free to jump in!  It’s heated!”

So then began the de-clothing.  About a half dozen people took off there clothes and jumped in the pool.  The 30ish couple also jumped in, who proceeded to have sex in the water.  Everyone was fairly mature and non-chalet about it; it was striking to me that no one else was taken-aback from what was transpiring.  I guess this is all in a night in California.  People also started watching porn films in the living room.

 Another person who took off her clothes was Vesper.  She was wearing a skimpy out-fit before that showed her g-string, but I guess she found that even too constricting.  I was eyeing Vesper and spoke with her a few times during the evening.  I found that she was a jack-of-all-trade artist, who painted, acted and modeled.  She also did a fair amount of lesbian porn in the past.  She maintained adamantly that, “I have only done porn with CHICKS!  NO GUYS!   I don’t do porn with men!  I am a lesbian.”  She also did female voices in Japanese animated films, specifically the sounds of women climaxing.  After stating this job, she made female-Anime orgasm sounds.

 She also had a unique relationship with one of the goths there, gentlemen named Robert.  From what I gather, he was her “master,” though Vesper stated that she never had sex with Robert, just that he controlled who she had sex with and what she could do in general.  Don’t ask me any questions about this “master” relationship-this is just what I was told and what I overheard.

I initially desired to hook up with the busty-blond girl; we were eyeing each other throughout the evening.  However, I was concerned that I would piss off the two chicks that I came with and commit a massive social faux paus, so I decided to wait until Alisha and Gina left to make my move on the blonde Jewess.  Unfortunately, the blond girl left at the same time, so I thought I was done for the evening.

 At around 4:00, there was not that many people left at the party.  Those who remained were the pornographer and his wife, Vesper and her master, the gay guy, the host Matt, two sketchy guys and I.  I told everyone there that I was going to leave.  But then Vesper comes up to me and purrs<

 “You’re leaving?  Oh, I don’t want you to leave now!  I want you to stay.  You’re so cute!”

She then embraced me, and we started to kiss, and then make out while standing in the living room.  She erotically scratched my back, and I reciprocated, but more gently. 

 (Keep in mind that this was in front of a group of six or so people in the living room. None of the people there seemed to mind that we were making out, and just talked amongst themselves and watched pornography on television.)

 After kissing for a little bit, Vesper turns around, with her back to my face, and bends over. 

I don’t do anything for a moment, but then someone yells out, “Slap her ass!”

Vesper moans, “Come on’, give it to me!”

 I proceeded to slap her ass, which turns red.  She moans in approval, “Yeah, that’s it, harder!”  I slap her ass several more times.  Robert then states, “Your slapping her ass hard, but I like your enthusiasm.”

 We then continue to make-out for a little while longer, and we start whispering sweet-nothings into each other’s ears.  She starts to unbutton my shirt and grab my dick.  (She does not take out my dick though, or stick her hand down my pants, for those prurient to ask)  I start to rub her clit, which causes her to shiver and moan in ecstasy.  I start moving us towards the bedroom.

 She says to me, “You want to?  I don’t know-I haven’t done a man in two years.”

 I tell her, “Well, we can just make out in the other room with some more privacy.”

 She replies, “Oh, but I think if we do that, I am going to have to have you stick your dick in me.”

 Robert then yells out, “NO!”

 Robert looks at me and says, “Sorry dude, nothing personal.  I like you and all, but I don’t know you that well.”

Vesper looks at me innocently and says, “Sorry, but my Master says no.”

 I stayed for a little while longer after that episode.  I watched as they took photos of Vesper and others (I have about a baker’s dozen more of photos). 

I start chit-chatting with the pornographer, who asks me,
“So, do you have any acting experience?”

I reply, “None, I have no experience at all.”

“That’s perfect!  I am thinking about making a film about a postal worker, who has an insane foot-fetish, and cannot stop thinking about feet everywhere he goes.  With your government background, you would be perfect for this role!”

 I gave him my contact info so that he can update me on the project.

 I got Vesper’s email addy, kissed her goodbye, and left The Valley back to my apartment in Hollywood at around 7:30 in the morning.

It was one hell of an evening.



From Joel... 

"Frank, thank you for your detailed recount of the LA adventure. Sorry you didn't get to hook up with any of the chicks, but hopefully you can get that porn gig and thereby score with hot chicks and restore the universes equilibrium.

Actually the idea of Frank acting in porn worries me a bit. What if I were to rent some good ole porn and in the middle of watching it I recognize that the dude is Frank? What is the protocol, is it right or wrong to watch porn if one of your buddies is in it? Does it matter if it is homemade or professional?"

From Paul...

"i think its okay to watch it, but only watch ( think : Trainspotting) choke it to Frankie, I think that would be wrong."

From Frank (again)...

"I concur completely Drake.

To paraphrase Bill Maher: "New Rule: Do not choke it to Frankie."

Now, what I want to know is this:  WHERE THE HELL IS SACKETT’S COMMENTARY?

You ask for yeza stories, and I produce.  Yeah, its one sick, twisted and bizarre story, but hey, it’s The Valley.  Its’ not Oklahoma City!

So please Dave, at least excoriate me with talk of fire, brimstone and torture by blue-haired goth lesbians.

Wishing for Admonishment in Hollywood,



Sorry it has been a while since I have posted anything. I have been tring to get used to life in NYC. Also I have been trying to get the internet hooked up in the new apartment. Apparently ATT can't figure out where I live so they keep blowing me off for phone hookup. But anyways, here are some gems to keep you passified for the time being.