Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

SETH ON THE "SWIFT BOAT LIARS FOR BUSH"

"Bush spoke out against them finally today.

And their website is now down.

I hope they rot in hell."

Hmmmm It's funny how when a Republican soft money group shows up Liberals fly off the handle and throw a hissy fit about untruthities and campaign finance(such as the one above). However, when a similar group on the other side uses union money or moveon.org to compare President Bush to Hitler, they seem to be cool with the power soft money.

On the other hand Seth's right, it should be forbidden to hear contrary opinions on Kerry's Vietnam record. Afterall, it's the center piece of his presidential campaign 34 years later. And why should they be upset? John Kerry was just doing his patriotic duty when he returned to the U.S. admitted committing atrocities, called American Soldiers baby killers, and returned his medals, er, ribbons (I forget being that they are interchangeable). Yeah Seth, the Swift Boaters were WAY out of line for having an opinion of Kerry that conflicts with the DNC.
GOT FAT?

From Seth...

"Time to lose that beer belly or butt gut you've been carting around since college?

Well, you can try out the patented Tondar Diet: exercise twice as much and eat half as much. Of course, Dar and I aren't doctors or scientists so what would we know.

So rather than getting on an unproven weight-loss program developed by two liberal arts majors, you can do what super-smart Japanese scientests tell you to and just microwave everything you eat.

Just you wait, we're about a year away now from someone unveiling the cigarette that lowers your cholesteral."
SUCKS TO BE SETH

From Seth...

"Mark this date and time.

You know I like NPR, their honest, intellectual, non-boisterous style of news reporting and commentary.

So mark down this date and time: Tuesay, August 24, 12:57 p.m.

That's when I turned NPR off in revolting disgust.

Was it Dick Cheney speaking at a Bush campaign rally?
No.
Was it Merrie Spaeth trying to defend her baseless attack on John Kerry's war record.
Not even.
Was it Barbra Steisand performing a duet with a squealing pig?
Nope.

What I heard on our public radio station today was more torturous on the years than these combined:

William Shatner.
Singing Lucy in the Sky.

Not the whole song, for that would require a depth of inhuman depravity that not even Osama Bin Laden would dare approach. But the clip of two verses and one chorus was more than enough to have brought ruin to my normally staid ear canals.

My day, my week, my life is ruined."
THE DAN CHEN MATTHEWS BAND

From Seth...

"Looks like Tondar's won't be the first band to be known for pooping.


We've done some wild-ass shenanigans, but nothing compared to dumping the entire contents of a band bus septic tank on a tour boat and 100 people.

Although if we had $70,000 to burn, I'd say this would be well worth it."

On the other hand if Shenanigans were given a budget of $70,000 I'm positive we could come up with something MUCH better than this.

Any ideas?

Steamrollers?
Jehovah's Witnesses?
PUDDING?
Polpot Mobile?
Hobo teasing?

The possibilities are endless!
THE DAILY ONION

From this months edition of Seth's (fake) news...

Drunk Drivers side with Osama Bin Laden

The War on Terrorism stepped up a notch today as Drunk Drivers joined Al Quaida, Arab fundamentalist groups, Arab nations, people who look Arab, and pot smokers in the fight against freedom using terror.

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the defection of drivers under the influence of alcohol to the side of evil at a recent press conference and promised that these traitorous souls would see the gun barrel of a righteous U.S. government before they see the entrance to the gates of hell. "People who get behind the wheel of a car with even a drop of alcohol in their system are just doing the work of terrorists for them," said Ashcroft, who then promised to use the Patriot Act to tap, raid, and generally harass suspected drunk drivers. "Plus, we've had people throwing muddy, fuzzy math at us like 'people are more likely to die from choking on a carrot that at the hands of a terrorist' and we needed to up the number. When you count those killed by drunk drivers, the terrorist problem looks a little bigger now, doesn't it. Doesn't it!" Ashcroft then launched into a rendition of "Let the Eagles Soar," which drove off our press correspondent before he could ask any questions.

President of Drunk Drivers of America Rich Farlie, speaking on FoxNews Channel's O'Reilley Factor said, "Our decision to back terrorists rather than America and the flag and stuff was because," before being interrupted by the show's host, Bill O'Reilley, and yelled at for the duration of the program. Farlie was apprehended after the taping of the show and is now being held in the U.S. prison facility in Guantamo Bay, Cuba.

Democrats responded by saying that they supported the president's efforts to pre-emptively eliminate potential drunk drivers before they could sit down and have that first drink, but complained that the country couldn't kill every drunk driver within its borders without international support and that the president needed a better plan than just setting up National Guardsmen at every liquor store and shooting those who came in.

While drunk drivers now openly support terrorism, many other groups in America, according to recent statements by President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, could be secretly assisting the enemies of Freedom, including gays, abortion rights activists, black people, environmentalists, women, men with long hair, unions, the media, Democrats, artists, and anyone who badmouths anything the president does or says. When asked to define "Freedom," Bush mumbled something about "those damn SAT words," while Cheney replied that it's kind of like tax breaks.
HAD IT COMIN'

One of the many horrible things about New York are the bikers and their total disregard for traffic laws. However, after yesterday's protests people seemed surprised that the police arrested these idiots for breaking the law. And sure you may disagree with the idea of holding the RNC in New York, but if you break the law you should be arrested (duh). And secondly, I don't think alotta New Yorkers are gonna shed tears when they arrest people in the Village for riding bikes. If I had my way they would all be prosecuted as felons especially asshole's from Domino's Pizza that disregard laws and try to bust my scotch.

And speaking of Domino's, I'm calling for a LEGAL protest (or boycott) against their food, for sucking and being delivered by bicycle.

Monday, August 23, 2004

CONSPIRACY CORNER

Here's Pigpen's take on one of those crazy internet conspiracy sites about FDR. Enjoy...

"I'm not really sure what to make of this - I read most of it and it seems very random and desperate. Very rapid fire with the points - so much in fact that it's hard to distinguish what is real, what could be real and what is crap. Hard to disect and think about it because "evidence" is bombarding the reader in rapid sucession. It reminds me of a cross between that christian science fair and an Al Sharpton rant. True or not (most likely very obscured and non-contextual) it is delivered in a very unintelligable and less than educated way."

Like Crazy Christians and New Prophecy you just never know what you're going to find on that ole internet.