Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

DEFINITION OF THE WEEK

NeoConservative: Tradtional wisdom: "A liberal that has been mugged by reality." Tondar: "One that has learned the ways of the street in the classroom."
USE THIS IT'S CHEAPER!

Check out the childrens' menu historians discovered on the back of the U.S. Constitution. My favorites are the childrens' ale and the "Jumpin' Johnnycakes." It will be intersting to see what lawyers make of that. Hopefully it is something along the line of Bisquick and ranch dressing. MMMMMM livin' poor.
AND THE WHEELS COME FLYING OFF

I know that's a Tondar phrase that I like to throw around. However, it actually happened this week.
BIZ-OUNCE!

Looks like Bush has opened a double-digit lead on Kerry. However, as the 52-41-3 split suggests, there are many undecided voters still. And due to the weakness of Bush and Kerry as candidates, this race is far from over. Personally, I think Bush will put himself over the top in the debates. He is certainly not the most articulate man to ever hold the presidency. But in the age of television the most charismatic candidate has always won. And I don't see John Kerry putting aside his pompous long-windedness any time soon.
THE DAILY ONION

From this month's edition of Seth's (fake) news...


Scientists Discover "Rights-Free" Zones

Once held to be self-evident, the United States recently unveiled a startling discovery of special pockets on the globe where God-bequethed basic human rights, as well as international laws, do not apply.

"We've long believed that things like 'all men were created equal,' and 'it's wrong to strip the skin off of a captured enemy combatant then pour vinegar all over him' were true no matter where you went on planet Earth, but we're now discovering that it's not always the case," said Bob Jones University scientist Tom Jarrow.

Scientists first discovered the possibility of such Rights-Free pockets, or RFPs, after reviewing sparse accounts from the 1960 Bay of Pigs Invasion in Cuba. While the attack might have failed, the force of Cuban Nationalists did discover the most well-known RFP site today in Guantanamo Bay. The U.S. quickly seized control of the Bay, sensing the numerous possible uses for it in the future.

"We're still trying to understand what creates an RFP like Guantanamo but from what we've learned so far, it seems that such sites have a certain geo-magnetic field around them that keeps God and basic human morality from entering."

The discovery has been a windfall to the United States and other Western Powers trying to conduct a war on terrorists but constantly hampered by the Lord's iron control of what is right and wrong on this Earth. Freed of ethical, and moral and humanitarian restrictions, coalition countries have been able to make great strides in the science of interrogation and beating the piss out of people you don't like.

However, because most RFPs can be erratic, some governments have come into problems trying to use them. For example, an RFP formed over the Iraqi prison of Abu Gharib suddenly dissipated a few months ago, quickly making the inhumane activities going on there once again reprehensible. "Everything was going fine; it was a good known RFP," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Then all of sudden it went from being a known known, a thing we know we know, to an unknown unknown, or a thing we didn't know we didn't know; we just couldn't figure out how God got in."

Some researchers have, in fact, warned that many RFPs are currently deteriorating and suggest that the phenomena were much more common historically. "Look at King David," said College of the Americas scientist Rupley Shikenbaum. "He murdered his way into power, assassinated his own wife, governed ruthlessly as not much better than a tyrant, and his people loved him. I think when we keep hearing stories like this in history, there can be no doubt that our ancestors not only found RFPs, but that they were commonplace and people knew how to use them."

Scientists have professed great expectations for future technology based on gaining an understanding of RFP phenomena. The U.S. military, in particular, has shown interest in the possibility of transportable and controllable RFPs that could be deployed at will on the front lines of future wars. "Shit," said president Bush, "if we didn't have to be so damn protective of civilians' lives and be all careful and stuff about making a show of being humanitarian, we could really kick ass." Smaller man-made RFPs could also become a great consumer product, from toy RFPs to beat up your little brother, to larger models for use by fraternities during pledge term and hell week.

In a related story, American scientists also uncovered the existence of "Free Speech Zones." Once thought to be a simple misinterpretation of the Constitution exploited for years by people who should know to do just do what they're told, the Free Speech Zones, which have been popping up across the country about 10 to 20 miles from where presidential and vice presidential candidates have been speaking, were found to actually possess some sort of magical speech enabler that allows people to peacefully assemble and display signs and utter words of protest without being unpatriotic. President Bush said that he was concerned that such zones were appearing so close to where he and Vice President Dick Cheney were trying to get their messages across to pre-screened supporters that they allow into campaign events, but wouldn't pursue their destruction immediately.

"I don't support the First Amendment and all that whiny liberal ACLU bull-crap, but I'll show some bi-partisan spirit by not getting rid of them just yet," said the president. "Actually, they've come in quite handy at times, as it keeps dangerous people who voice opinions away from our good, brainwashed supporters like flies on shit or something. Plus, if we need to kill off a few Democrats to win a swing state, they'll all be packed in one place."

Democratic challenger, Sen. John Kerry said that he'd also noticed the Free Speech Zones popping up kind of near his campaign stops but mentioned that they weren't always there when he needed them. "That's why I bring my wife, Teresa," said Kerry. "When we need to keep demonstrators away, she's like a fly swatter with her pithy zingers. It's even kind of fun. They're all like, 'hey Kerry Jay Leno called; he wants his chin back,' and Teresa's all like, 'hey, America called; they want their country back,' and I get to be all like, 'ZING!' It's great."


IN OTHER NEWS:

Rivers Cumo Going Back to School
Weezer band member reportedly ran out of Goethe quotes

U.S. Unveils Environmentally Friendly 'Green Bomb'
Nuclear ballistic releases fewer greenhouse gases at detonation

Mission Kind-Of Accomplished
Bush moves to center on banner issue, claims "Mission Not Accomplished" is too extreme

'Life Sucks'
'Shit happens' bumper sticker company to produce version for Generation X
U.S. Olympic Basketball Loses to Dwarf Nation
Shooting combo of Oin and Gloin, too much for team of NBA stars

New Season of West Wing to Woo Former Friends Fans
Upcoming episodes to focus less on politics, more on Donna and Josh love triangle

U.S. Kicking Butt in Arms Race
Report claims missile gap between U.S. and Russia largest since 1948

Bush Pulls Out of Geneva Treaty
President cites unrealistic goals, economically damaging protocols

Kobe Aquitted by ESPN's Sportscenter
Basketball star declared innocent, dunkalicious by cable program
ANOTHER GEM SHUFFLIN' ON DOWN LIKE YOU KNEW IT WOULD

From Pigpen...

"It's a cornucopia of corniness. An NFL record that will never be broken."

Friday, September 03, 2004

SETH ON BUSH'S "FLIP-FLOP"

"Do I smell a flip flop?

Too bad the President flopped back under pressure. I agreed with his original premise. How could the Bush administration before, the Democrats yesterday, and now Bush again, think that the War on Terror is winnable in any sense.

We don't fight the War on Terror because we know we can win. We're fighting it because the other option is NOT to fight a War on Terror. It's like the War on Drugs. Nobody's sitting around going "dude, this could be our last joint; the GOVERNMENT's on the case..." but we fight on, because drugs are a plague on our society and from day one this has been a nation that fights its evils.

Can we kill off or scare away every terrorist in the world? Shit no. If we even tried to actually accomplish that, the means necessary for such an endeavor would just convince more people to join the terrorist cause. To a degree, we're already seeing this in Iraq since we began its occupation. Was taking out Saddam a good thing? Shit yes. Did we create more terrorist threat in Iraq by doing so. Shit yes. Was this outcome completely expected by those watching. Shit yes. Would the government - Democrats or Republicans - convince themselves that this simple fact was obvious enough that they didn't have to lie about our chances to the American people. No. Shit.

Damn the Democrats for calling Bush out on his statement - a moment of honesty and inflection from the Commander in Chief that they've spent four years calling him incapable of. He finally gets off his egotistical high horse and admits that the realities of fighting a despicable tactic rather than a nation are less than optimistic and even less rewarding, and Democrats launch into populist rhetoric.

This is the crap politics that I hate. The admission by the president was very much an acquiescense to the fact that many educated suburban swing voters are worried that the War in Iraq and the War on Terrorism in general are simply based in headstrong philosophy. Here he comes to the center to address intelligensia and the opposition uses it to make a populist attack. Its classless politics.

And while we're at it, damn Bush for not sticking to his guns, first having his spin doctors murmer half-mouth reinterpretations of the statement for base Conservatives, saying he was describing a different type of war and returing to the stupid suggestion that America getting roused would convince fence-sitting Arab fundamentalists NOT to become terrorist sympathizers. And damn him more for flatly reversing his earlier admittance. Damn America and its news-a-minute reflexes and its news-a-minute media who supplies it for their knee-jerk reaction to anything from a politician that goes against the norm. No time to understand it. No "The President of the United States just said [this], let's talk about it for a minute." Rather, we get "The President said [this]. Can you believe he said [this]? Let's talk to some people who will call him out on saying [this]."

Of course, that wasn't the reaction. We knee-jerked and played out the scene, and Bush took everything back, returning once again to his usually pompous description of his War on Terror.

I agree with those who say that Bush's administration thus far without doubt has demonstrated that he doesn't have the inflective capacity to temper his will and that this has worked to the detriment of our country during his presidency. But when he demonstrates the opposite, even if you believe that it's too little and too late, you don't call him out on it. Embrace it, call it a feint to cull swing voters right before the primary, call it not far enough, or call it heroic and something that you've been saying all along while this is just the first such remark in four years of misleadership. But to disagree with the painfully obvious but seldom voiced suggestion that the War on Terror is unwinnable gets us nowhere but dirtier two-faced politics."

Seth is right. In addition, it's for this reason that Bush hasn't admitted to many errors. Of course they are there but since he is so absolutely hated by the left, it becomes difficult for him to avoid any kind of GOTCHA situation like the one that occured with Matt Lauer this week. It's a shame the president isn't more articulate and able to express his convictions better. This is exactly what causes people to get down on him for being an "idiot."

But Bush's "second" position is correct. We can win the war against jihadist terror. We have to recreate a content Middle-east that is prosperous on its own and no longer feels the need to destroy the part of the world that is more prosperous. When they can focus their energy on video games, commerce, and political involvement there won't be a need to wage a jihad against American civilians, thus ending the War on Terror, with a victorious west and better Middle-east. This is something that is going to take many years. After all, look at the domestic hatred and pressure that Bush catches for turning back Jimmy Carter's 22 year old policy of appeasement.
REPUBLICANS AREN'T KOSHER YET

From Seth...

The article says that Bush has tried to use social conservatism within the Orthodox community, but I don't think the strategy will work, as Jews hold that Jewish law only applies to Jews and things like gay marriage are hardly considered the most important in the 270 laws. Orthos are still kind of split on Israel, many holding that only the messiah can set up a Jewish state and blaming many of the problems that country has on that fact.

Even if we don't allow Jewish gay marriages (most rabbis won't even perform intermarriages, actually), I think the general consensus among Jews is that for everyone else out there, they should be able to do whatever pleases them and certainly the government has no business dictating who is allowed to love whom.

I think he would probably have much better luck with MidWest Conservative Jews, many of whom are in the upper tax brackets and make a show of being religious by attending large, formal services and make a similar show by being the main protagonists of American support of Israel. This is the group that Kimmy's brother, Ricky, has been trying to win over for the Republicans, with a lot of help from the party as well as cash from Likud, the Israeli Conservative Party.

As for reform Jews, such as myself, Bush doesn't have a chance. We're the ones they're talking about at the end of the article who are most weary of Church and State issues (we even have a magazine called Church & State). Intellectuals who practice their religion with debates and guitars aren't exactly prime Republican targets.
SETH ON POLITICAL PARTIES AND BASEBALL

You know what I hate about the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry?

That Bostonians and New Yorkers think the rest of the country cares.

I see the aptitude in the analogy, but the hubris of describing baseball as a battle between two teams with everyone else an also-ran just gets on my nerves.

Going with this concept, though, the Brewers make a good Communist Party. Perrenially strapped for cash, the rich Red Sox may call themselves the working man's team, but the Brewers are the real players for the proletariat. Not only are they the biggest protagonists of share-the-wealth programs, but the Brewers are even owned and operated by Bud Selig, Commissioner of the MLB.

I tried to tie other teams into 3rd Parties, but 3rd parties are kind of too extreme.

Take the Family Values Party, for example. The FVP is the brainchild of Tom Wells, who began it in 1994 after, he claims, God visited him on Christmas Eve and told him that Americans shouldn't pay their taxes until Abortion was illegal.

Uh...which team would this be?

Or how about the Southern Rights Party, whose platform is to oppose, out of sheer spite, everything that is espoused by the Southern Party. The Southern Party is a group of Southerners who want the former confederate states plus West Virginia and Oklahoma to cecede from the union, a la the Civil War, Round II. The Southern Rights Party used to be part of the Southern Party, but splitered off after a 1996 convention argument about which guy they would support as their presidential nominee. Until the Southern Party agrees to use the Southern Rights Party's candidate guy, the SRP is going to counter everything the Southern Party does.

On a similar vein, there's a second party that calls itself the Green Party, which is wholly different from the Green Party that Ralph Nader ran under in 2000. Green Party II is filled with a bunch of communists who ran candidates in places where Green Party I wasn't, hoping to use Nader's national publicity to put a few of their guys in office. They endorsed Nader for president, but Ralph rejected their nomination.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

OH THAT INTERNET!

Another wonderful site only on the internet many thanks to Miss Erika...

www.engrish.com
THE DAILY ONION

From this month's edition of Seth's (fake) news...

Pentagon Announces Crack National Guard Unit

With National Guardsmen now representing the vanguard of the United States military, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced the formation of elite National Guard units to carry out dangerous missions in Iraq, Afghanistan and wherever else the War on Terror may require their services.

The elite National Guard units, who unlike regular soldiers need only serve their country for short periods in times of war, will be trained to speak a dozen languages, perform stealth operations, demonstrate proficiency with hundreds of weapons and ballistics, manage high-tech military equipment, and master nine forms of martial arts, all while attending classes at their chosen college or university. In return, the federal government agrees to pay half of the students' tuition and living costs.

"We've come to the point now that we need tough, real soldiers who are proud of their country and are willing to do their duty to get done what needs to be done and know how to do what needs to be done and do it," said Rumsfeld. "Our National Guard units will be among the best-trained soldiers in the world."

Asked if it was worth putting young National Guardsmen through all of that training when they're only supposed to serve for a maximum six months, Rumsfeld replied, "a man's service to his country, if that man has even a shred of patriotism, is the duration of which his country asks of him. Our National Guard troops know that when they're hunkering down under fire in a Baghdad street every day while the locals try to tell insurgents where they're hiding, those men are doing their part to keep America safe from terror. Besides, if they weren't fighting for us, they'd just be at some liberal whiney-ass university."