Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

"FOREIGN BROWN SUBSTANCE"

Not exactly the most adult behavior, but I'm sure anybody who's ever been harassed by the police or got a parking ticket can certainly relate to this.

Friday, October 08, 2004

BET THAT DON'T TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Ever just have one of these kinda nights? Nah, me neither.
ACE VENTURA 3?

Sounds like the work of Ray Finkle to me. Just for the record, if Courteney Cox is interested, I would have no problems putting on a tutu and accompanying her to the institution to do a little research on our wayward kicker.
THE WORD ON OLDER CHICKS

From Pigpen...

"According my my former roomate Ben (based on his current situation in San Diego) - older chicks have endless pro's, simply because cat and mouse become less and less desirable as the years go on. This COULD be a great situation for Ole Tondar."
BRADO ON THE DEBATES

From a recently married (Congrats) Brado...

"I thought Bush did very poorly in the first debate. Not b/c Kerry did so well as the dems and media would have you believe. He merely put together a half coherent argument and delivered it with some amount (albeit unimpressive) of conviction; a big improvement for Kerry but not a stellar performance from an objective point of view. Bush didn't help matters by appearing caught off guard and searching for answers on every question. I like the guy OK but his lack of ablility to convey his
positions just kills him sometimes. On the other hand there's Dick Cheney who proved he truly is the Yoda of the GOP. As one reporter put it, "Edwards was like a college student being picked up by his dad (Cheney) after his freshman year, telling his dad about all he's learned and how the world works, meanwhile dad (Cheney) says "ya don't know crap, here's the way it works."
IT'S CHARITY, AND I HELPED!

From my Boss...

"Thank you to all who volunteered for the Food Bank today. Not only did they get an extra day of wearing jeans and time away from the office, but, they did a wonderful service for our community.

Together we sorted 10,662 pounds of food products. This will provide 7,108 meals for the underprivileged.

Each of you has made a difference in the lives of others!

Congratulations!"

I have to admit it made me feel good to help people less fortunate than myself. Charity and stewardship are a major part of being a good Christian. Though, on the other hand, it was also nice to get back to work and get the "Tennessee 'Viction Authority" up and running again. I find it interesting that when I had a job that combined these two joys it was actually probably the worst time of my life. I know that boggles Tondar's mind.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH EUROPE

In a beautiful twist of irony Jacques Chirac and the French are warning the world about the "catastrophy" of American hegemony. He also called for more government intervention in preventing the spread of American Culture.

Of course this isn't solely a French phenomenon. It seems the disease of anti-Americanism has infected most of Europe. Check out this wonderful column from Mona Charen that gives a great summary of Europe's current culture, while looking ahead to their self-inflicted demise. After reading this you can begin to understand why Europe had no interest in bringing down Saddam.

Money quote: "You see Russia spiraling down into dictatorship after a brief interlude of struggling democracy. You see North Korea, arms salesman to the world's criminals, boasting of nuclear capability. You see genocide in Darfur. And of course, you see the ghastly face of terrorism in Madrid, Bali, New York, Washington, Tel Aviv and most especially Baghdad, where terrorists grab and behead innocent Americans and Europeans, and proudly videotape their savagery. But where do many Europeans focus their wrath? On the United States."
IN THE FACE OF EVIL

There's a new documentary coming to theatres that tells one of the greatest stories in American history. Check out this very dramatic and moving trailer for "In The Face of Evil." This film chronicles Ronald Reagan's strength and moral courage in staring down the Soviet Empire. The website makes it sound like a great film. However, it has a very limited release and may not make it to any one in Atlanta, Michigan, or even New York. But spread the word and see what comes of it. I know I'd love to see it. In fact, I've watched the trailer about 5 times already, it's that well made.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

SOUTHERN BELLE

So last Saturday Ole Tondar went to check out the UM game at a local bar. Since I don't really know anyone in the Dirty South I was chillin' solo at the bar talkin' to a former Hawkeye. It's always funny how when you run into other Big Tenners they always talk about that "Great Game" back in 19whatever when their school beat Michigan. Of course, this time I had to hear about the Chuck Long era. But anyways, about 15 minutes into our conversation these girls showup and demand we move down so they can all sit 4 wide at the Bar...UGH. Well, since Ole Tondar went to UM and is therefore a Dick, I refused to move. Mr. Iowa got squeezed out and I was left sitting next to this cute blond.

Well one thing leads to another and we start talking and talking and talking. Six hours later, it turns out she is pretty cool. So we've hung out a bit since then and we are going to see the musical Chicago on Friday.

I have to admit it's good to be back in the game again. However, this girl really seems to remind me a bit too much of Dark Lord Denise. She's 2 years older than Tondar and seems to have a bossy streak. But we'll see for sure. After all, that's why they have dating.
MINNESOTA PREVIEW

Nothing like a UM Football history lesson and pregame analysis all in one post. This answers a few questions Tondar had regarding some of the last undefeated Big10 teams as well as the history of the Little Brown Jug contest.

From Seth...

"Y'know, considering how the series has gone recently, the Gophers might want to consider stealing Eastern Michigan's or Toledo's Gatorade cooler and sending a ransom note to their athletic director. At least then they might see it in two decades.

The last Big Ten team not named Ohio State or Michigan to run the table for a perfect season was Penn State in '94, remember? Nebraska, however, got the National Championship honors. Before that, you have to go back to 1965 and Michigan State, who got 1st in the coaches' poll but 2nd in the AP. As for a National Champion coming from the Big Ten who didn't wear Maize and Blue or Scarlet and Gray,
it's....drumroll.....Minnesota's 1960 team.

Ah, Minnesota, where have you gone.

Reading its history, the Brown Jug has actually always been a bigger deal to the Minnesota program than to Michigan. We just win it all the time.

Certainly they've been doing their best to make this a rivalry again, coming in undefeated for the mid-season matchup this year as well as last year. And like last year, with Michigan having a loss already on its conscience, popular wisdom and Gopher fans start yapping about Minnesota being able to knock off the Wolverines. Upset? Not even; the Gophers are ranked higher.

Such will be their demise.

Ask Ohio State: the easiest way to lose to Michigan is to come into their house ranked above them.

Oh, last year was a brilliant game, but I would hardly call the frenetic come-from-behind Friday night show under the dome they put on reminiscent of the hard-nosed tundra battles of old. Aye, for this rivalry is kept alive for one reason: to remember that Minnesota was once a grand program.

That 2003 game was a classic for the historic rivalry - one of the most-played in college football. But for the best game in the series, you have to go back to when the jug was simply a sideline water canister and Minnesota was yet to sniff the greatness that their program would become in the early 20th century.

Minnesota had one of the first teams able to compete with Michigan, winning the first two contests between the teams in the 1890s, but that was before Fielding Yost came to Ann Arbor.

The early rivalry, up until Michigan left the Big Ten, was downright brutal. Michigan players hospitalized a Gopher-a-game and accounts from one such matchup were given as testimony to President Theodore Roosevelt as to why he should banish football. Roosevelt's final decree was to alter the rules, but news of this new, so-called "forward pass" didn't seem to reach Big Ten country until, oh, say, about 1990.

In 1903, Yost's famous Point-a-Minute teams had won 28-straight, demolishing opponents like a kid who plays his dynasty in rookie mode. In a frozen, mean-spirited game in Minnesota, the Gophers tied the score 6-6 on a late touchdown (no extra points back then). With 2 minutes left for Michigan to march for a field goal, Gopher fans decided they would have none of it and stormed the field. In the pandemonium that ensued, Yost wisely rushed his team off the field and out of town, leaving behind the brand new waterjug a Michigan coaching assistant had purchased in a local five and dime store earlier that morning.

The next morning, a Scandinavian janitor named Oscar brought the earthenware jug in to the Minnesota athletic director's office and the AD, L.J. Cooke by name, still giddy with the tie against Big Bad Michigan, scribbled on the side "Michigan Jug - Captured by Oscar, October 31, 1903. Once word got around to Yost that the Gophers had the jug, he sent a letter asking for it back. Cooke wrote back, "If you want
it, you'll have to come back up here and win it."

Oh, it's on baby.

In 1909, the Wolverines did just that and took the jug back to Ann Arbor. Michigan left the Big Ten in 1910 and rejoined in 1919, giving Minnesota time to build a team. That year, Minnesota came to Michigan and won 34-7. When they asked for the trophy, Michigan couldn't find it at first, eventually turning it up behind some overgrown bushes outside near the gym (out by where Fingerle Lumber now stands). Cooke painted the 1919 result on the jug.

Michigan won it back the following year, and seeing not much space left after Cooke's graffiti, painted half of it blue (for Michigan) and half burgundy (for Minnesota) and agreed to make it a trophy. From 1929 to 1999, the game was played every year, interrupted only for the Big Ten's rotating schedule. Each subsequent athletic director has written the final score on the side.

The rivalry, if you can still call it that, has been marked by long streaks. Michigan had it from 1909 to 1919, then from 1920 to '26 and '29 to '32. That's when Minnesota got good. In 1933, the teams tied and Minnesota demanded the jug. They didn't get it, but they got revenge by coming back in '34 and winning it 9 consecutive times while FDR was president. Minnesota got their last streak in the 1960s, when Michigan fell back by its unwillingness to recruit, gathering the trophy from '60 to 63 as well as '65 and '67. They beat Bo just twice: 1977 and 1986, which is the last time Minnesota had the display case filled. All told, the record stands at 66-23-3 for Michigan, with a lot of very large numbers gracing the Michigan side of the jug.

The rivalry hit its peak (and featured its best three games not mentioned) in the early '40s as Minnesota remained a dominant dynasty from the '30s and Fritz Crisler was rebuilding the Wolverines.

1940: In the middle of the Gopher streak, #2 Minnesota beat #3 Michigan 7-6 at home, but four Tom Harmon touchdowns were called back with questionable calls. One of the game's refs went on to open a Minnesota football-themed bar that's still popular on campus. For its part, the Big Ten stopped letting teams field their own referees.

1942: Having lost 8 straight to the Gophers, #4 Michigan visited #13 Minnesota to play a back-and-forth classic that ended with a 16-14 victory for Minnesota.

1943: Only Michigan fans liked this one. After losing 9 straight, Michigan whacked the #1-ranked Gophers in the Big House 49-6 to take back their waterjug. During the game, the first B-19s to roll off the line in Detroit for WWII flew over the stadium.

2004:
This year, as I've said, the Gophers come in ranked in the Top 10 with an eye on the Big Ten championship. But the road through Ann Arbor is never easy. They won a sloppy game this week against Penn State, 16-7. Michigan, who has a better defense than Paterno's 2-3 squad, has a leagues better offense.

The trick to stopping Minnesota is in stopping the run, which Michigan has the guys to accomplish. The Gophers share the ball evenly between two very good tailbacks, Lawrence Maroney and Marion Barber III, but young QB Bryan Cupito isn't the runner that Asad-Abdul Khaliq was.

If they get forced to throw every down, Minnesota will be in very big trouble. That's also a likely scenario, considering that with Michigan's defense, there's literally nowhere to run. Leading the nation in turnover margin, the highly talented cornerbacks, especially against the lesser-talented Minnesta receivers, can play man comfortably. That leaves Ernest Shazor and Ryan Mundy to come up the sides against the run. Minnesota has yet to try a 3/4 defense such as ours this year.

Running up the middle won't get you 2 yards and cloud of snot with beef, beef, and more beef in Hungry Man posterboys Gabe Watson, Larry Harrison and backup Alex Ofili setting up camp. Throwing the ball over 6'8" defensive end Pat Massey is no cup of tea, either. The four every-down linebackers do the rest of the work. Lamarr Woodley has Lavarr Arrington talent and I think he hit what Lloyd Carr calls "the switch" sometime during the Iowa game. Lawrence Reid is a tackling machine. Pierre Woods can run down or gun down any back in the nation. Roy Manning is a smooth outside playmaker. This is a defense Minnesota has not seen yet - Jim Hermann's multi-looks will confuse the heck out of any young quarterback while talent takes advantage of every mistake. So despite their prisine record, I can't give the Gophers credit until they beat a defense like this.

There's only one way to beat this D: catch Michigan in one-on-one situations and send a perfectly placed pass. Trouble is, if you're off, it's an interception. Or, beat Michigan's offense, as Notre Dame did, to keep the D tired enough to let some off-tackle plays succeed.

But that's the real trick, isn't it. Minnesota doesn't pretend to have a stellar defense, although some of the cruddy offenses they've faced make them look better than they are. Michigan's offense, however, is now coming together. Whereas the leash was on true freshmen Hart and Henne early in the season, they're off to the races now. Braylon Edwards leads the NCAA with 669 receiving yards (more than Barber or Maroney have on the ground) and 7 touchdowns. He's a Heisman candidate if he keeps that play up. Michigan's special teams got to show off against Indiana's awful coverage squads, but the show that Grant Mason and Leon Hall put on in Breaston's absense will keep punts high and short. Meanwhile, so long as the turnovers keep rolling in, Henne will have a nice, short field to play with.

Last year looked close when playing late on a Friday night in Minnesota when the Michigan team had just suffered a loss in Iowa. This time, the Gophers are riding cocky right into the Big House, where the Wolverines seldom fail and recently beat a more talented (if now twice-beated) squad in Iowa.

I stick by my original prediction: Michigan 28, Minnesota 14.

Purdue's for real, but Minnesota shall be revealed."
CHAIN OF FOOLS

Worst thread ever.

And the sad part is that these people will use their pedestrian understanding of politics to decide the next election.
THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

From Seth...

"When you're looking over the "accomplishments" of the Bush administration since January 2001, you start to ask yourself,

"where do they get these ideas?"

well..."
MORE GOP TRICKS FROM THE ICON OF SIN

From Seth...

"In Democratic lingo: a continuation of the Bush campaign's inexplicable inability to admit their candidate has any faults.

In Seth lingo: When the GOP loses, it tells people they won, blames the media for not reporting their great victory, then asks supporters to play dirty in response."
BRAVES FEVER OR CHILL

Atlanta is actually kinda excited this year about the Braves. They won another divisional title with a pretty mediocre cheap team. Ignore Wednesday's 9-3 loss and check out this breakdown of the series with the Astros. And all y'all be sure to check back in with playoff central from time to time. Postseason excitement...Better catch it bitches!



MORE EVIDENCE OF A WORTHLESS UN

From Pigpen...

"How can the US and the world expect the UN to take serious action against Iraq (ie: the build up to war)? You can't! Exhibit A: Eddie Cochran 1956. Exhibit B: Alan Jackson 1994. Exhibit C: The Who. Exhibits D,E, F: Van Halen, The Go-Go's and Richie Valens. Even if you take two weeks for vaction AND take you problems to the United Nations the preceding citizens of the world have found the sad reality that the UN is unwilling to do anything to combat teh summer time blues. This is a fight that common citizens with real issues regarding the summer have been waging with the UN since it's inception in the 40's that continues on to this day. Most recently a coalition of the willing comprised by Geddy, Alex and Neil waged operation feedback, again the UN was unwilling to cure the summertime blues. Wheels within wheels people! It is indeed a pattern so grand AND complex. Attention good citizens of the world it's time to put an end to this pompous organization that is led by Germany, France and Russia. These countries are against fun summers because it's is not anymore lucrative for them, than a free Iraq is. It's time we put our priorities straight if a democratic middle eastern nation is possible than a world free of summertime blues is possible too. Where Jonas Sauk ended with the cure of polio, we will pick up the torch. We will not go quietly into the fall anymore. Ahh incoherent rambling, it's been a while since I had a good one."
ACHTUNG DUMMY!

From Pigpen...

"Seig Heil - apparently this is a call to arms for many of your former "clients" ie: 29yr old mother of 4."

Nothing like Skinheads for Kerry. Idiots. Simply, idiots.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

A.K.A. THE COMBOVER

Check out what's in the U.S. patent office...

"A method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using only the hair on a person's head. The hair styling requires dividing a person's hair into three sections and carefully folding one section over another."

Sunday, October 03, 2004

YOU'RE ASS NEEDS TO SEE "SKY CAPTAIN" NOW!

A few weekends ago I went and saw "Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow." From an exciting action-adventure point of view, this is probably the funnest movie since "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (which was also set in the 1930's). This movie had more close calls and great action than you can shake a stick at (and lemme tell ya, I was shakin' that stick for the whole length of the film). On top of that, the artistic decision to give it a retro look was a great move. And even the special effects were based on a retro-imagination featuring (kickass) killer robots, top notch airplane battles, and even a flying aircraft carrier platform (commanded by a sexy but one-eyed Angelina Jolie). I was especially down with the retro-feel of the film. Ya see, when ole Tondar was growing up, Dark-Lord Denise made me watch old movies on Cinemax. One can certainly see the influence of movies such as "The Day the Earth Stood Still," "Metropolis," and anything starring Johnny Weismuller. And just like the old movies, "Sky Captain" also featured those delightful minor characters that today's films seem to lack. From the action, to the artistic depth this movie is certainly a must see especially considering films this fun only come along once every 25 years. And if thats not enough to get your ass to the theatre then you should also know that director Kerry Conran is a graduate of Grand Valley State (so get out there and support the Michigan artist).

AllMove Review: ***1/2
Tondars Review: ****1/2
CONSIDERING KERRY

Since I don't have TV I had to listen to the debate on the radio. Afterwards, I asked Seth if President Bush was having a stroke. It seemed that he had to struggle THAT hard to find the right words, and had a devil of a time explaining the simplest positions. On the other hand, Seth actually gave Bush some credit and appeared sharper than he sounded. But either way, I think Kerry came out on top. Though he has been known to "flip-flop" his positions during the debate seemed a coherent alternative to Bush. And because of this performance, it made me consider some of the benefits of a Kerry Presidency. For example...

1. Kerry would revive the conservative movement and the Republican party. With Kerry as President it will give conservatives a rallying cry, and a reason to return to normal Republican issues such as small government, true immigration controls, and financial restraint which has all suffered under Bush.

2. The economy. Since the Republicans will most likely retain Congress, the split government will have a huge boost on the economy as spending is restricted and government is forced to compromise instead of taking the Bush approach to pro-active big government. Wall Street would likey likey very much.

3. A healthier healed nation. The liberal press has certainly been tough on Bush since he won in the close election of 2000. From the douche-bag entertainers for change to move-on.org it a solid Kerry victory would delegitimize any gripe they may have, and hopefully return the nation to typical (but dirty) politics as usual.

4. Stopping Hillary '08. Ya know she's gonna run and 8 years of Bush would lead to a desperate democratic base that will back this candidate no matter what. However, with Kerry running in '04 (and most likely) in '08 it would tie up the parties nomination and hopefully make Hillary too old for her to revive the Clinton regime.

When viewed like this a Kerry victory actually doesn't look too bad. However, I still can't bring myself to support him because of the 2 most important issues of our day (Kerry even said so himself). This would be nuclear proliferation in Iran and North Korea.

With Iran they are most likely going to develop the bomb within the next year. Whoever's president cannot allow this to happen at all costs. And when you think about it, would captain multilateralism be willing to bomb Iran back to the stoneage if need be. His record from Vietnam, to the Gulf War, to the current war in Iraq would say no.

Secondly, Kerry's idea of bilateral talks with North Korea is probably the worst idea I have heard since Clinton's universal healthcare. But speaking of failed Clinton policies that's exactly what bilateral talks are. Clinton tried it in the late 90s and the policy fell apart because the North Koreans are a rogue nation completely untrustworthy in our modern international state system. However, when you get our allies of South Korea and Japan, and their allies of China involved. Suddenly the true issue of regional stability is front and center and North Korea will have friends and neighbors compelling compliance with regard to any kind of non-proliferation treaty. Also, it should be noted that talks have currently broken down thanks to Kerry's schism with the current administration's position. N. Korea realizes it's in their best interest to hold off until after our election to see if they can screw us over in another bilateral treaty.

With these countries about to go nuclear, this will be the most important job for the president in the next four years. Now Bush has certainly given America plenty to complain about. However, these issues are really just too important to be left in the hands of John Kerry.
ANIMAL CRUELTY

Animals may not know wrong from right. But it's obvious they know self-righteousness after what they did to Alvin Seville.