Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Friday, October 22, 2004

HOTTIE WATCH

Check out some of the fine fine ladies that made appearances at the Latin MTV Music Awards.
SETH'S PURDUE PREVIEW

From Seth...

"When #13 faces #12 it's always a tossup. I picked Purdue at the beginning of the season because they have a great offense and they're at home. But there's a few things that should give U-M hope.

The first is that Purdue's defense isn't that great. They can play well at times but they're not the every-down grinders that it takes to shut down a good running offense. If we can get Michael Hart going against them, we can keep their still rather inexperienced linebackers on their heels. Of course, you realize I just said we need to beat their inexperienced linebackers with a true freshman.

Their offense is scary good. They have a quarterback who sees everything and a receiver who catches everything. We can play a great dime, like we did last year in the 38-3 drubbing, with Shazor, Jackson, Curry, Mundy and Hall. But if we can't get to Kyle Orton early and often, he can still move the ball with short passes out of the spread offense Joe Tiller is so recognized for.

Wisconsin's defense did a great job against them last week after the 1st quarter, but you've got to imagine there'll be a few new wrinkles and it'd be asking a lot even for our great defensive players to play as above their talent as the Badgers.

What it comes down to is that Michigan can run all over a bad defense but has had trouble in getting into rhythem against medium defenses. We should have scored a lot more against Minnesota and Illinois, but we drop passes, overthrow receivers, and misjudge the 1st down line far too often. Michigan's offense is always one mistake away from a 3-and-out as we seldom convert 3rd and long situations. If our offense can stay on the field long enough, we can give Braylon a few chances in the end-zone
on that long bomb play, but to do that he needs to scare them with solid catching underneath - which brings the corners up to bump&run and man coverage necessary to get Edwards free down the sideline. Or, conversely, we can just run the ball really well.

This is a no mistake game if the Wolverines hope to upset Purdue at home, as this is the kind of defense that can make us turn the ball over in our own end or bust out a huge interception-for-touchdown. If we drop a punt, of if they block one of ours, that could be it.

I know it's frustrating to know we have so much talent and still be underdogs. But Michigan has trouble against defenses like this (see Notre Dame and Minnesota) even if our own defense could be the best the Boilermakers face all year. I'd like to see Avant on a double-slant and Edwards catching crips button-hooks early. That opens up the delay handoff and screen which we're REALLY good at. Once we got the delay and
the screen going, their defense is down to two options: do some thick zone coverage underneath, which leaves Braylon open to go deep in man-to-man, or play Cover-2, which lets us keep picking away underneath with the run and crossing route passes. Purdue usually takes this second option, because they have guys who can come up and make a play and with Michigan it means we need to execute - something we don't always do.

I also think this team might be subject to the reverse throwback, as the linebackers are inexperienced enough to bite. They're looking for the reverse because they spy Breaston (wouldn't you want to know where that guy is at all times?) So what you do is a handoff to Hart left who gives it to Breaston going right. Breaston throws back to Henne, who can either run or, if it's there, pass it downfield to an open Braylon
Edwards. The key to this play is the left tackle, Stenavich, who needs to sell a run, then get to the other side of the defensive end and shove use him to block the oncoming tackle - make him overrun the first hole. If his guy goes for the reverse, we got 'em.

The other thing I think would be cool is a Braylon Edwards deep cross. Here's the deal: we have that annoyingly stupid quick screen to Breaston on the right - you know the one. Well, the corners play him tight after we do that twice. So what we do is run that play but make it look like Henne called the wrong play and Breaston is just sitting there yelling. The corner stays on Breaston and comes up in case the freshman QB remembers and tries to force it too late. All you have to do then is sneak Edwards in 10 yards behind him, using his speed to separate from his own corner. Then, it's the Cover-2 safety and a smittering of microscopic organisms between Edwards and a touchdown. Purdue's the perfect team to run this on.

Anyway, like I said, this stuff takes precision. If we have that, we can win. On the other hand, Purdue is at home coming off a close home loss to one of the best teams in the country. That could fire them and their crowd up or deflate them. Their kicker is solid while ours can't be trusted to make extra points when we're tied and their special teams otherwise has us licked solidly in every category except who Steve Breaston plays for. Orton is still a Heisman candidate and for good reason. They also have a bad taste in their mouth from getting blown out in Ann Arbor last year. The last time we visited an Indiana team upon whom we scored 38 points the previous season, Notre Dame that being, we lost. Purdue is Notre Dame with a much better offense. On the other other hand, Michigan has been a much better second-half team this year and it helps that we were on the road last week - they're still in that mid-season road mode. With Purdue getting a lot of national notoriety before the Wisconsin loss, we might be underestimating how cocky Tiller's players might still be or, conversely, how susceptible they are mentally right now to evidence that they're not all they thought they were. Michigan has also been preparing extra hard for this game - moreso than any game so far except maybe Iowa - so you could see a big performance.

This is also a gauge for how we do against Ohio State. If we can put Notre Dame behind us and finally win a big road game, we can go in with confidence to Columbus and avoid getting juiced by a swarmy, reinvigorated, and still very talented Buckeye squad with nothing left to live for but a piece of our hides.
THE POLITICS OF COWS

Hey guys, Frank sent this:

"A variation of the "governing-as-owning-cows" forward.

Frank

An explanation of government and economics

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country, who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your
government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for
the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the
hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas"
POOR BUSH

Talk about outta context, but yet still delightfully funny.
SHENANIGANS LIVE!

Check out these pics from a night of adventure.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

OFFICE PIRATES

I noticed our copy machine was gone today and I was thinking how great it would be if a bunch of pirates with parrots and eye patches and 16th Century outfits came in, took it, and then rolled out of the building on it cursing, and singing, and saying ARRRRR! They could then roll their copier onto their ship and then "sail" away down 85.

But then I got to thinking about it, and I remembered Monty Python did a skit about this already. In their version corporate raiders pulled their building up to another big stone office building. Then they used grapling hooks to swing across and raid the office and slaughter the employees. Their version was much cooler than a handful of pirates riding around on a xerox machine. .(

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

HAPPY OCTOBER DAY!

Well the Monkeys wanted me to wish everybody including Captain Lue Albano a very happy October Day. Since I had to work today, here is the report Paddington Huggs gave me (verbatum) when I came home.

"Firetrucks! Big! And they were in the road because, because, because Lord Grumpington crash. BOOM! *wild monkey gestures* Parade fun. Got chocolate. Got fruit. Got candy. Got chocolate. Mr. Mojo say "Long live Republic." Paddington say "Long live Republic," because, because, because Mr. Mojo say it good."

Well that kinda made sense to ole Tondar. But what I've figured is that traffic was pretty backed up today in the area. The monkeys had a few drinks before the parade and then it seems Lord Grumpington got cut off by an Excursion containing a mother and her two kids. So Lord Grumpington drove them off the road and into a pond with his mobile ICBM launcher. Well at this the monkeys went wild and pandamonium broke out at the Publix supermarket. Long story short, they ate alot of candy, Philosopher King Mr. Mojo gave a speech, they crashed the floats on Abernathy Rd and then came home to greet me at 6:30.

Needless to say they are tuckered out. And I for one am glad that October Day comes but once a year.
APPALLING

Pigpen found this truly horrible story out of Iran.
LIGHTENING THE MOOD

With the nasty election getting closer and closer everyday, lets take a moment to slap the donkey and check out a site Pigpen found.
THE U.P. IS A SMALL PLACE

Well look who Pigpen knew back in the Michigan Tech. days.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

THE GEORGIA SHIFT

Check out this interesting article to see how Georgia went from being solidly Democratic to solidly Republican. Quite interesting really.
SELF-FULFILLNG PROPHECY?

I've often talked about the "Brunette." That elusive hottie that hides in my dreams and comes to visit me in the sweetest of encounters from time to time. Like a word on the edge of your tongue, her face sticks just in the back of my head, present, but just out of view, as I seem to compare her to every girl I see.

When I was living with my aunt a few months ago I told her about my visions regarding the Brunette. Well, my aunt took it upon herself to talk to the other stepford wives in Alpharetta, and found the closest thing to my description. So my aunt hooked me up with a phone number and I called her tonight...

The Good News: Tall, thin, brunette and is a student at UGA. She's been to Spain before, and she responds to the Tondar charm (but then again you few don't). We are scheduled to get together this Sunday so she can show me around her school.

The Down Side: She has a tool of a boyfriend. I'm told nobody really likes the guy. So yes, the conditions are ripe for a Tondar steal, but as we all know the fickle behavior of women, I'll believe it when I see it.

However, if there is one thing I have working in my favor, it is the assist from my aunt. I have very good luck when getting the alley-oop from others (shout-out to Pigpen and Mel). So I will certainly keep you posted.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Rachetta: "Your Gramma was all krunked up!"
MONKEY REPUBLIC WATCH

This month the monkeys are celebrating their second anniversary of the Republic on October Day this Wednesday, October 20. To flex the full might of their power Sir Hugs-A-Lot is organizing a parade. It will feature flower floats done by Lady Sassafrass as well as 3 mobile ICBMs launchers that Lord Grumpington purchased from the former Soviet Union. Their parade route will take them down Peach Tree Dunwoody to the Publix Supermarket where Philosopher King Mr. Mojo will deliver a speech and probably eat some candy. The Monkeys were dissapointed because they invited Dark Lord Denise to be in their parade but she declined for fear that her Dark Regime will appear weak next to the greatest celebration in Monkey Republic history. Mr. Mojo dismissed this excuse as "weak."

In other news, Melvin Thornton will soon be recovered from the injuries he sustained while jumping on the bed. It will be nice to have him off Monkey Welfare again and back to work as official janitor "cleaning the road to Utopia," as Mr. Mojo puts it.

Monday, October 18, 2004

CAN'T GET YOUR HEAD AROUND IT WATCH

This really brings a new meaning to the term "Rock the Vote."

And of course can you guess who's behind this scheme? Yep, the Democrats. If they're not taking taxpayer money and wasting it on bisquick and ranch dressing via welfare, then they are taking union dues to buy crack for voter registrations.
SETH'S SECULAR QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Here's a good quote from a Free Press columnist that ties into some of our recent discussions on gay marriage:

"If there is one thing we learned from the civil rights movement, it is that we can't depend on popularity polls to validate basic human rights. Justice doesn't choose between the powerful and the weak, the mainstream and the marginalized. It belongs to everyone."

-Desiree Cooper"

And of course it is up to unelected activist judges on the left to define justice as well as marriage, God, the Pledge, and the "basic human right" to vacuum the brain out of a fetus. Ahhh Post-Modern deconstructionism you will be the death of Western Civilization, yet.
NBA RULE CHANGE?

From Pigpen...

"Huge was talking the other day that it's a disgrace that the NBA has instituted a new rule designed to relax defense and promote scoring - simply because Stern feels the Piston's were too stingy in last years playoffs. I'm not exactly sure on what the rule change is, but it has to do with having to play off the ball handler farther or something like that. I for one think it's awsome that the Piston's won't allow teams to score, however Michigan and San Antonio are apparently only markets that favor that style of play. NBA can suck it b/c they still think that the 2 superstar and 15 criminals roster is the preferred way to foster a team. Blue collar work ethic and precision fundementals are apparently way too boring and lack "street cred". David Stern can suck it sideways on this one."

After Pigpen informed me of this rule change I wanted to see exactly what it was. So I went to NBA.com without remembering that NBA fans are illiterate. When I found the rules page,it turns out it hasn't been updated in 3 years. But ya know, I'm not surprised. This is the same Stern arrogance that ran USA Basketball into the ground for the sake of selling a few more 'Mello and AI jerseys. So if anybody knows exactly what the rule changes are please send me a heads up. But in the meantime, Pigpen's right, David Stern CAN suck it sideways.
SENATE WATCH

From Seth...

"A few amendments to the Senate race:

Oklahoma: Carson has taken a 5-point lead in non-partisan polls and even partisan Republican polls there are showing the Democrat with a slight edge.

Kentucky: Jim Bunning's recent belligerence has the DNC smelling blood. Whereas the Republican incumbent was outspending his challenger more that 5:1, the influx of Democratic money could spread the word about Bunning's recent behavior. While an 8-point lead in a heavily Republican state would suggest Bunning is still winning, Mongiardo is gaining very fast and could close the gap with the new money.

South Carolina: Jim DeMint (R) has had some recent gaffes that have cut his commanding lead to within the margin of error (DeMint 46, Tenebaum 43). This one's also weird because the two candidates are so moderate as to encourage four other candidates (2 far left, 2 far right) to join the race.

Florida: Follow the President. The same day Kerry pulled into a tie in Florida, Betty Castor (D) pulled into a tie with Mel Martinez (R). This senate seat could go whichever way Florida goes in the general election. Which way that would be is anybody's guess."
TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH

Sure we all want to be as John and Teresa Heinz Kerry. Afterall, she makes $5.07 million and only pays $627,120 in taxes. That 12.4% is a steal compared to what the rest of us chumps have to pay. Here's what the Drudge Report had to say on it...

"The top 50% of all federal filers contributed 96.1% of all federal income taxes in 2001, and they paid an average income-tax rate of 15.9%. That's 3.5-percentage points more than Mrs. Kerry paid in 2003." At the "very least, Mrs. Kerry's tax returns are a screaming illustration of the need for reform to make the tax code simpler and fairer. But they also show that Senator Kerry's proposed tax increases are much more about a revenue grab than they are about tax justice."