Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

QUOTE OF THE DAY 2

Frank: I hope I get some more fellatian' from the Asian.

Friday, December 31, 2004

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Frank: "Do you think you could handle 18 inches up in you? Hey hey, I just keeps it real!"
I LOVE L.A.

I finally realized what Randy Newman was singing about in that terrible song of his. Things are great and the weather is fine here in LA. The trainwreck was off to an unusual start last night in Long Beach. Within seconds of going into our second bar Frank was getting jiggy on the dancefloor and hooked up with a pretty cute Asian girl (picture to come). I was a bit dissapointed because we had to leave part of our pitcher behind at the bar. However, the night was finally capped off with the Second Tondarring of Drake. HA!!

Other than last nights bar adventure things have been just like a typical night of Yeza; plenty of drinking and inappropriate conversations.

Today we hungout a bit in beautiful Santa Monica. We decided to keep today on the DL so we could go to the Rose Bowl parade and game tomorrow morning at 8am (ugh). But after that, there will be one great trainwreck. All aboard wooooooooooo wooooooooooo!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

KOFI CAN PAY FOR IT

If the U.N. is gonna call the U.S. Stingy, let's see some of these officials cough up some of their oil-for-food money to care for Tsunami victims. That would be great, but alas it's only wishful thinking from the NYPost.
STERN VS. THE COURTS

You've heard me go on time and time again about liberal courts. Well now it seems they have found their way onto the basketball court as well. Checkout this Marc Stein piece that breaks down the current situation with respect to Jermaine O'Neal and his suspension.
WHERE ARE THE ANIMALS?

So far they haven't found any dead animals in the aftermath of the Christmas Tsunami. It's interesting how animals just seem to "know" about these kinda things.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

2004 REWIND: EVENT OF THE YEAR

Though we did survive a wicked election that satisfied some and angered others. I will have to agree with Seth on this one and declare the Pistons 5 game sweep of the Los Angeles Lakers the event of the year as far as the Daily Rant is concerned. Using the Tondar method of great defense, and unselfish play, the Pistons were able to stick it to Jason Kidd, Ron Artest, Shaq AND Kobe. And even better, Chauncy proved ole Tondar wrong when it came to being a ballhog. This was one part of 2004 I was digging on.
DARK LORD QUOTE OF THE DAY

Furniture shopping: "I'm looking for a lingerie chest for my son."

Monday, December 27, 2004

NO EXCUSE?

Seth sent me this piece last week. I think this woulda been a lot better piece if it wasnt so obvious this guy was a liberal with an ax to grind. Was it really necessary for him to play the ole class warfare card? Was it necessary for him to use that delightful liberal term "tax cuts for the rich? No it wasn't, and it hurts his "constructive criticism."

But ya gotta figure something is up when they are running a positive story about the American Military. Since modern journalism always has to have a victim, there are only ever gonna be 2 kinds of war stories outta the liberal media. First, you get stories about how terrible and evil our soldiers are because they either abused prisoners or killed civilians or even worse, showed no mercy to terrorists. What a great way to undermine our war effort in the name of "peace." And of course by peace I dont mean a world where everyone lives in harmony. I mean peace as in the absence of war. If you can portray the troops as stupid murdering thugs you can turn public opinion against the war.

Or on the other hand, the media portrays the soldiers as victims of an unsympathetic corporatist war-mongering administration bent on global domination. "Poor stupid soldiers dont have armor. The poor stupid soldiers dont have good leaders. The poor stupid soldiers are all waiting to die in vain." This is exactly the kinda message being sent across here.

Now Borene (the author) raises some good points. And it seems that Rummy is proving
himself to be just as horrible at micromanagement of DoD as he's been great at long term macromanagement. Here's my solution, leave Rummy in place at DoD. However, put somebody else in charge of overseeing day to day in Iraq. This allows him to worry about the 21st Century army while somebody else takes care of the needs of 2005. And in the meantime we cut some pork barrelling, farm subsidies, and federal wealth redistribution schemes and bump defense spending back up to the Reagan Cold War levels.

If we're at war then we're gonna have to spend money like we are at war. Americans are VERY willing to spend money on THIS government program.

But the response most appropriate for this piece is...

Shame on the media for undermining our troops and war.

Shame on Bush and Rummy for being cheaper than Fred Meijer and his notorious ice-cream cone tipping throughout Michigan.

From Thursday's Houston Chronicle...

"Risks I accepted in Iraq then, I don't accept now

Former Marine officer: No excuse for 'war on the cheap'

By ANDREW M. BORENE

When I invaded Iraq nearly two years ago, I understood that it was an invasion on short notice and I was willing to accept the risk inherent in beginning combat operations without body armor inserts and in a Humvee with no doors that was left over from the Persian Gulf War.

It was, after all, a new war, and we went with what we had. But last month, our warriors in Iraq invaded Fallujah, at times driving trucks and Humvees without upgraded armor kits.

We have been in this war for 20 months. We are the greatest, wealthiest nation on Earth. How can we deliver billions of dollars in welfare to corporations, farmers and other groups and seek to make tax cuts for the wealthy permanent when our troops need equipment and services overseas?

What is American about putting the well-being of the wealthy over the well-being of the defenders of freedom? Have the people who once appeared to convince a majority of Americans that Saddam Hussein had a hand in the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks and that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction also convinced America that we can run a "war on the cheap" without seeing our troops suffer?

The violence and intensity of the combat is higher today than during the invasion, but the wounded survive in exponentially higher numbers, requiring services for lost limbs and eyesight. This "low" killed-in-action statistic is misleading Americans, but some politicians talk about the successes in Iraq and an improving situation.

Young heroes display physical courage on the front lines in the global war on terror, yet even as our troops accomplish mission after harrowing mission, our politicians fail them. It's time to demand that our politicians stand up and show some moral courage, as did Army Spc. Thomas Wilson in Kuwait before Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld.

Supporting the troops means more than placing a yellow sticker on a vehicle's bumper. It also means buying up-armored Humvees and small arms protective vest inserts in body armor, offering the best training in the world and reducing excessive deployments of the Reserves and National Guard. These things cost money.

It will take a new generation of great Americans to turn around the devastation that the continued failures and excuses of this administration have caused.

It will take Americans who aren't afraid of the truth, Americans who understand that sometimes success requires sacrifice, Americans who put thoughtful decision-making before dogmatic political mantras.

We have a lot of work to do before our troops, veterans and their families get what they deserve, and it has nothing to do with party politics. It's about taking care of those who take care of us.

Young men and women are fighting for us as I write, but who is fighting for them?

If every concerned American wrote the members of Congress who put tax cuts for the wealthy before troop welfare, demanding that our veterans and soldiers be given their due, perhaps we could make some headway honoring America's contract with its veterans.

May our political leaders show their thanks and take responsibility for their decisions by taking care of those who protect us all.

Borene, an adviser to Operation Truth, a veterans organization, is president of the National Security and Law Society at the University of Minnesota. He was an intelligence officer with the 1st Marine Division during the invasion of Iraq."
FESTIVUS WITH SETH

This tirade was inspired by an e-mail exchange Seth and I had at work. The first line is from my e-mail where I misquoted Kerry...

"He would defer our security to the UN and the 'international test'"

Can I assume that we both remember that Kerry said "Global Test" in reference to a universal standard for what constitutes "an imminent threat posed to the United States," and that you won't be surprised when I punch you in the teeth for recycling cheap campaign rhetoric?

Happy Festivus. I have my aluminum pole towering above my cubicle. Call this thread the airing of grievances.

As for the feats of strength? The aformentioned punching you in the teeth will have to suffice.

Seriously, I know it was a neat trick and all for Bush to seize upon a phrase that could transform an "I will defend this country" quote into a "I will defer to the U.N." quote, just as it was a neat trick to invent a quote from Al Gore to prevent him from campaigning on his years of work in the Senate that were instrumental in getting the Internet started up.

Don't you realize how much those lines hurt now? EIGHT FRIGGIN' YEARS OF BUSH!!!

Eight years of my prime putting up with the 2nd-worst president in history defiling the office I have worshipped since I was a child, and winning both times by misquoting the better qualified candidate instead of engaging him. Every time I hear those lines, I see the the founder's great vision of America getting punched squarely in the teeth, kicked in the groin, and pissed on.

That's why this election is such a complete loss, for we learned there is nothing we could have done. Nothing. The guy was an awful president who'd worn corruption on his sleeve, led us into a bad war with next-to-no help from our allies, whom he alienated, and presided over a rotten economy. And against him we ran an Intellectual War Hero. And we lost. A loophole in the election laws here, a lying commercial there, a media witch-hunt here to cut off some bad news, a well-timed misquote to stave off his sure beating in the debates (the only substantive part
of the whole election), and an agreement to move the debates back 3
weeks, and voila, a recipe for 4 More Years.

Nothing worse than knowing you gave it your all, that you were the better team, and still losing because of a few trick plays. But the most brilliant move by Bush in the first place was to make this a staunchly partisan election. Because if we were to sit there asking who was the better candidate rather than which team am I on, President Bush would be picking his library site instead of his cabinet right now.

Four more years.

Of getting punched in the teeth.

The least I can do is return the favor."
CAT'S OUTTA THE BAG

Pigpen's dissapointed that the Saudi's have uncovered another of America's evil plans...

"Well no...ya see the thing was...I er uh was minding my own business and all of a sudden this...this guy that was wearing a fake beard and chin putty...yeah yeah, that's it...well he uh...uh...uh...I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! You found me, I don't know how but you found me! Well pack it up guys the cats outta the bag, seems we couldn't keep the charade up forever. Our diabolical scheme has collapsed in on us all because of out "tell tale heart."
THE CASE FOR PRIMEAU

From Seth...

"Keith Primeau is a big center who's just plain consistent. I know he gets a bad rap in Detroit, but this wasn't the place for him (remember that next time you say what Detroit needs is a big forward who can score).

He plays like an enforcer on the ice and makes defenders look better than they are. But you can't put him on the checking line because he scores too much. He's had two seasons cut short by injury recently, but the fact of the matter is, he's put up better numbers than most guys we'd consider to be great scorers in this day and age, while still inhabiting the penalty box and dominating the corners.

His line:

900 games. 265 goals. 347 assists. +/- 124. 1535 Penalty minutes.

And he plays big in the playoffs, even though his teammates don't always do so. He puts the puck on net, which is something you need in the scrappy modern game, but it seldom actually goes in and he struggles against eat-'em-up goaltenders like Patrick Roy and Martin Brodeur.

He's matured a lot since his days in Detroit, which is demonstrated by the fact that he's become the captain on a star-studded Flyers team."

Sunday, December 26, 2004

DRIVIN' WITH THE FOLKS

Dark Lord Denise: "Oh, we need to go to Rhodes Furniture and check out their going out of business sale."

Big Ed: "Where is this place? Did we pass it?"

DLD: "No, some guy by the side of the road had a sign."

BE: "Some guy with a sign!?"

Tondar: "Well, it was a very trustworthy looking sign."
DARK LORD QUOTE OF THE DAY

Playing the Martyr--"Here I am trying to help HIM and you two are being mean to me."

Ahhh, the irony of that one.
OH WHAT A BAD DAY

"Maybe they should have just let the white car stay there."

Of course this would have been alot funnier if it had actually happened.
GEORGIA POLITICS AT THEIR WORST

It's embarassing that Cynthia McKinney is from the same state as Tondar. But check out this article in the Weekly Standard that traces the history of crazy conspiracy theories.

Of course, one thing the piece doesn't talk about is that her 2002 defeat was actually due to Republicans voting in the Democratic primary. However, when she ran again in 2004 Republicans in the 4th District were forced to vote in their own primary, thus she was able to sneak back into office.

PULLING THE HARRISON OR DROPPING A CHEN

From Seth...

"Gosh, this is a tough one. It's hard enough to decide whether you'd want to be a 5'0 goofy looking Asian kid, let alone the Dar's little brother, or 6'7 and 350 pounds, which is roughly three fat midgets. If I've got to be one, however, it'd be Larry Harrison. As Ms. Sarandon said so eloquently, "the world was made for people not cursed with self-awareness."

Larry will get past his strange behavior and get offered millions to beat up NFL offensive players, while Chen will just keep being Chen."

Just for the record, Chen wasn't my little brother. We were in the same pledge class and the wee turd happened to look up to the Dar because I treated him with respect despite his toolishness. Of course my kindness was later betrayed. But, I guess that shoulda been expected from a guy that proned to blasting dooks in the shower.
2004 REWIND FROM SETH

Event of the Year: Pistons National Championship.

Girl of the Year: Teresa Heinz Kerry. The most fun in the election this year was wondering what she'd say to piss someone off next.

Trainwreck of the Year: Has to be the last knight of 308, when the Boxed Knights of Ann Arbor went forth in cardboard armor and nametags to terrorize the local bums(and Michigan Stadium).

Blog-post of the year: "Frankie Goes to Hollywood," Jan. 31

Money quote:
"I proceeded to slap her ass, which turns red. She moans in approval, 'Yeah, that’s it, harder!' I slap her ass several more times. Robert then states, 'Your slapping her ass hard, but I like your enthusiasm.'"

Monkey of the Year: Ron Artest. Question: If our Turkey of the Year had flung poop instead of his fists at the source of the beverage projectile, would he be serving the same sentence?

Song of the Year: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl," by Jet, which went from Ipod commercial to mega-hit in '04, leaving every band to ever plug in scratching their bhead saying, "wait, all I had to do was play bad 'Stones music and I'd be rich now?"

Album of the Year: Sorry, Oblivion, "Garden in the Machine" was good. But Bryan Wilson's "Smile" was just something to behold.

Boner of the Year: I'm guessing you mean like "Merkle's Boner" rather than "the one I woke up with on August 4th that knocked over the vase," right? But if we're talking about pure dumb actions, I'd have to go with Larry Harrison.
Picture this:

CRIME NOTES (from the Michigan Daily):
Police are looking for a young African American male, approximately 6'7 and 350 lbs., suspected for a number of indecent exposure incidences. According to reports, the suspect was seen masterbating on the front porch of several female students' homes.

Lloyd Carr probably picked up his paper, read the first sentence, and said, "Shit."
YEAR OF THE COCK II

From Seth...

"Whenever I read one of these horoscopes, I try to see them as if I was someone completely different from myself and see if they still apply. Guess what: they always do. That's the trick. If they could really predict the future, they would say things like, "You're going to die in 2052. Heart failure. Have a nice day."

If this is the year of the introvert becoming an extrovert, I say we do just that. Everyone on New Years Eve has to go out into a populated area and do something that draws attention to themselves, then write to Dar and compare notes."


Of course Seth is right about horoscopes being so general anybody can say, "Hey, that's me!" However, he forgot to nominate a liquor of the year for 2005. If you have any suggestions send them on. But in the meantime, let's prepare to do something a little more extroverted for 2005, the crazier the better.
4TH WORLD DIDN'T NEED THIS

"All the planet is vibrating" from the quake, said Enzo Boschi, the head of Italy's National Geophysics Institute. Speaking on SKY TG24 TV, Boschi said the quake even disturbed the Earth's rotation.


I'm not sure if this is Italian exaggeration or the Earth's rotation was actually disrupted. However, with 7,000 people dead, it's a shame that such a poor corner of the world was hit so hard on Christmas Day. Remember to keep the Bay of Bengal in your prayers.