Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, January 29, 2005


From Pigpen...

"So most bone growth occurs at night - most sheet changes occur in the morning."

Yep, and most encounters with the dook happen on, not in the toilet. (Pigpen get Mrs. Pen to translate that one).

From Seth...

"Here's an idea...

Seeing as we now control all these countries around the world, when we have U.S. presidential elections, instead of one of the debates, we have the top two candidates each run a country for a month.

Bush, you get Bermuda. Get to know sugar. Kerry, see what you can do about the Phillipines. How are you at natural disasters? Luaus?

Not only would we get to see each of them performing in their own administration for election purposes. The real kick is that it would make for great Reality TV. 'Tune in next week when Teresa can't take any more talk of lumber exports from half-nekkid island girls and totally flips out!'"

Hehe this would be great. Can you picture both nations managed to appeal to the Demogratic or GOP base? Bush would launch an invasion of the Bahamas and have roaming Bible squads spreading The Word. While in the meantime Kerry would establish a "People's Republic" that would bulldoze churches to make room for more "free" clinics to comply with his "Mandatory Abortion" policy.

Plus, when everything got screwed up, we would simply give back the country, and return to the United States where everything actually works.

Check out this (serious) interview from the Onion with "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane. You really have to give FOX credit for bringing this show back. Though in retrospect they were total fools with it, constantly putting it on opposite "Friends" or "Frasier" and then wondering why nobody watched it. If there is one thing in television history that ruins a show, it is time changes. People like routine and things just get lost if they move around too much.

Yesterday the big news in Atlanta was a coming icestorm. You see there was a cold front moving in from the Carolinas while at the same time a huge storm was coming at us from Texas. And EXACTLY like in Sebastian Junger's "Perfect Storm" these 2 systems collided right over Atlanta. The freezing rain moved into the area about 5. And around 10pm Friday we started getting the first of the snow. However, when Atlanta gets some winter precipitation the wheels grind to a hault. Check out the ATLJC Copblog as he gives a run down of the approaching insanity.

On my hour long commute home from work last night I heard stories on the radio of people fleeing for Valdosta and other locations in Southern Georgia. And of course with any natural disaster there was a run at the supermarkets for necessities. Our compliance officer said it best when he seriously proclaimed in his Dr. Phil voice (they both sound exactly the same), "I need to get my ass to the store and buy bread, milk, and beer cuz I ain't goin' out this weekend."

But you ask what would have a former military man scared to leave the house? Simple, it's the Atlanta traffic. As I said before the night I arrived in Atlanta there was a summer storm and I saw 6 crashes on my way down 75, across 285, and back up GA 400. People were flying by me at 85mph while I was struggling to make it through the monsoon at 35 mph. So what happens when you put these kinda idiots in a really terrible driving situation? The city grinds to a hault. And a panic ensues as idiots make a run on bread and milk. Which brings us to the pic of the day...

"Must have bread and milk! Cannot leave house for 18 hours. THE END IS NEAR!!" Posted by Hello

Grandpa: I think William Shatner has lost some weight.
Grandma: No! He looks like a stuffed toad! And I don't trust that other guy (James Spader), he's got shifty eyes.

Hehehe check out this ad campaign blaming/thanking Hollywood douchebags for their work to re-elect President Bush. I especially like the dumbstruck look on Chevy Chase's face.

Check out this comparison between the Kennedys and the Bushes. W. and John come across as great visionaries, while history is a bit harsher on H. W. And what about young Teddy you ask?

"His attitude toward America's role in the world is the opposite of his brother's; it's best summed up as an inversion of FDR: We have nothing to offer but fear itself."

Yeah, the Opinion Journal really doesn't take kindly to him offering aide and comfort to our enemies days before the historic Iraqi election. Their feelings are best summed up by this delightful zinger...

"Ted Kennedy is, as The Wall Street Journal puts it today, "cheerleading for America to fail" because his ideology leaves him unfit to cope with American success. If he has his way, democracy in Iraq will suffer the same fate as Mary Jo Kopechne."

*covering mouth* DA-AMN!!

"Byproducts from the massive operation resulted in a dung pile measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide that began burning about two months ago and continues to smolder despite Herculean attempts to douse it."

That's not good for business. That's not good for anyone.

This guy is my hero. Trapped in an avalanche, alone, with only 60 beers. So he has a few drinks and pisses his way outta the mountain.

"Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains...

...He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Friday, January 28, 2005


Some days we just have to go in a different direction. How about this for creepy?

Ahhhh the joys of the internet. Posted by Hello

Check out this column from George Will that puts feminism in its place. Money quote...

"Is this the fruit of feminism? A woman at the peak of the academic pyramid becomes theatrically flurried by an unwelcome idea and, like a Victorian maiden exposed to male coarseness, suffers the vapors and collapses on the drawing room carpet in a heap of crinolines until revived by smelling salts and the offending brute's contrition."

Hehe...nothing like a healthy dose of sarcasm to put things in perspective.

I guess it was just a matter of time. But nevertheless, it doesn't make it right to combine human and animal DNA. Like A.I. and visitors, Chimera are one thing that science fiction repeatedly warns us against.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


Seth and I recently discussed what to do about the homeless situation following the C-Train fire in NYC. Here's an excellent post from Instapundit that has more facts than Seth and I would ever use compared to our anecdotes from the FIA and Hobo Central in A2.

The warm weather returned to the New South today. The temp was once again back over 60. It was like being in Santa Monica again...

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Well OK, it wasn't THIS nice but I will certainly take it over anything Michigan (or NYC) has to offer this time of year. Posted by Hello

From Pigpen...

"We're all guys (assuming) and straight (again assuming), but this isn't something that I could condone really. I mean we can all think of people we went to high school with that we'd like to see in this (Day of 1000 Pencil Drops, Tondar?), but can this dress really be pushed as acceptable, even in today's "devil may care" society? Me thinks not, but I'm only one guy. This also shows very clearly the marketing strategy where corporations and companies drive fashion and fads rather than the other way around, just based on the HS people interveiwed. I don't know, is the Post credible Tondar?"

Well actually that is a question for Seth. But for Ole Tondar, the Post is only one of 2 newspapers I can read at work. As for this, I have to admit I was too busy looking at that picture to comprehend anything. But Pigpen's right, this would rank right up there with those silver panties under that blue dress, that I dropped my pencil 1,000 times to see.

From Pigpen...

"Damnation...this almost sounds like a sterotypical story about the derrty souf.

Better hope they take kindly to carpetbaggers, eh Tondar? Also, why would this sound totally appropriate and unshocking if Waylon Jennings was narrating it. So do you think Roscoe and Enos responded, or maybe Sherriff Buford T. Justice.

Money quote:

"I just started shooting," said Gloria Doster, 56. "I was trying to blow his brains out is what I was trying to do."

hehe, check out the picture of Bobby Doster in his overalls...

"Yep, I tell you what!"

It looks like Pigpen stumbled upon a picture of the gettaway truck...

"What NASCAR driver do you think the DMV assigned to this guy."

He's obviously raging because the #3 car don't go round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round no more.

His doctor just said that he won't clear him to play.

Now it's up to Owens if he suits up for the Superbowl.

I guess it's his perogative. If he re-injures it and can't ever walk again, he'll have made a decision for himself on what it means to play in that game. I can't say I'd make the same decision, but I never played in the NFL or put playing in the Superbowl in my list of things I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime.

Gotta respect him for even toying with the idea.

But it doesn't change my prediction. Even if he played, he'd be only 6 weeks into an injury that usually means 10 weeks before you play again and then another month before you're 100 percent. McNabb has had trouble against 3/4 defenses in the past - look what Cowher did to them when they played Pittsburgh. I think it's because he can out-run a defensive lineman but not an NFL linebacker, and New England has some good ones.

Most of all, the Pats know how to win. Throw a bad lob in the air? Their defensive backs were all receivers at one time in college. They stop you on 4th and inches? The next play is a 69-yard bomb. Their offensive line is good enough to match up one-on-one with the Eagles' defensive line and Kearse isn't the force he used to be. Running might be a problem, as even Corey Dillon won't be able to bust out against the linebackers with wings on their feet to match those on their helmets. But Tom Brady showed he could beat you on will alone when he didn't have a true running threat.

Pats by 4."

Seth raises an interesting point with T.O. Nevertheless, I think he will suit up for 2 reasons. First, it gives the media something to talk about other than "How can you beat Brady and Belicek?" Secondly, it gives New England an extra demension that they must prepare for on defense. Even if he's not 100% he's still a force to be reckoned with. Personally, if I were Andy Reid I would dress T.O. and then not play him at all.

If you can handle this groaner from Peter Vecsey he has some interesting things to say about Larry Brown heading to Madison Square Garden. However, my brother Dan disagrees...

"This article is crap. Larry's been getting a bad rap lately because the pistons have been iffy all season. But, they haven't had a full team to work with all season, due to injuries, suspensions, etc. Plus, as good as the trade for Carlos Arroyo was, it will take some time for the team to gel. I think the pistons are going to be fine, and I don't think that Brown is going anywhere for the forseable future, unless the Pistons stop listening to him, and he wants out."

Well Brown does have a history of "wanting out." Look at the way he split outta Los Angeles, Indiana and Philly. However, Seth agrees with Danny...

"I can't imagine Larry Brown leaving the Pistons. He has here what he always wanted: an NBA-talent team that plays like a college one. They care about defense. They care about winning. They care about the team. They listen to their coach. They've got young talent backing up talent in its prime and good general management and good ownership. And on top of that, he gets paid mighty mighty well. Honestly, is the allure of a city that can't even stop its bums from lighting the subway on fire so
great that we'd actually be talking about this?

The author writes to allay such suggestions, but I can't figure out why New Yorkers are even toying with the idea. Are they so used to the Yankees going pick pick pick off everyone else's roster that they feel anyone out there is fair game for the Big Apple team? Sometimes it seems so, doesn't it."

Yeah, plus, I can't imagine Larry wanting to go work under the New York sized ego of Isiah. To top that off the Knicks are a .500 team WAY WAY WAY over the salary cap thanks to Penny Hardaway and Alan Houston and many other VERY long term contracts. So even if they bring in a great coach he's not going to be able to magically give them a front court or reduce the team's salary.

But anyways, read on in the Vecsey article to see the beginning of an anti-Phil Jackson coallition. He really rips into Jackson and his stooley good. Money Quotes...

"Already he's ridiculing Thomas, whose character he's assassinated frequently since learning to type and drop acid simultaneously. "

"Who wants Rosen slithering down to the Garden from upstate Woodstock, where he's either awaiting the next festival or trying to come down from the first one?"

"That's what Rosen did in Los Angeles, provoking Tex Winter to slime Kobe Bryant in order to enhance Jackson's role as the Lakers' undisputed number one victim. That's what he does. That's who he is * Jackson's stooge and stoolie. And based on what happened in L.A., this cannot be a good thing, Martha. "


The enemy of Phil Jackson is my Dipshit ally!

Here's a Lyndie for the kids. Just TRY not to giggle at this one...

*SIGH* Tondar!?! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


From Pigpen...

"Loneliness and cheeseburgers are indeed a dangerous combination as Micheal Moore will soon find out. So will his next movie be "Bowling For Hollywood?" Clearly the republican stronghold that is Hollywood, is to blame for this. Has to be eh Seth. Think about it. Since Regan was a famous actor, and HW was his vice and now W, the son is the president that controls the universe. Ha, not even six degrees of seperation. Does this mean Mel Gibson will get best director and best picture for the next 4 years? Eat it and like it Micheal Moore!"

Pat Buchanan has a thoughtful new column about America under Bush. Of course Pat is not a fan of neo-conservative nation building. However, he does raise several thoughtful points regarding government spending and the American trade deficit...

"Under President Bush, the U.S. government collects 16 percent of the GDP in taxes and spends 20 percent. We have a deficit of close to 4 percent of the economy. Yet, as the Washington Post's Robert Samuelson writes, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid – which already consume 7 percent of GDP – will rise to 13 percent in 2030, i.e., the federal take will rise to 26 or 27 percent of our economy."

These estimates are always a little rough to gauge, but considering the rise in government spending over the last twenty years, it is very easy to see things get this outta hand. Plus with the weak dollar and growing trade gap, this is certainly not a happy economic outlook for the future. If our debtors decide they want their money back, or lose confidance in the Dollar as the global currency of choice, we are looking at another depression.

Of course, what Pat doesn't mention is that with globalization we have tied our economy to everybody elses so in a way there is a doomsday safety net holding things in place. Let's just hope we never have to use it.


Some say we're looking at "Waterworld" "The Day After Tomorrow." However, other sources say that in the long rong, man has saved himself via pollution. Money quote...

"If the research findings are correct, a radical change in the perception of anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions will be required. Instead of driving us to the brink of environmental disaster, human intervention and technology progress will be seen as vital activities that have unintentionally delayed the onset of a catastrophic ice age."

Interesting stuff.

From Seth...

"Oh this funny little ball of dirt we live on.

The world is meeting this week to discuss how to implement a global natural disaster warning system similar to the one the U.S. currently employs.

The name of the meeting: The Kobe Conference

I hope this doesn't generate confusion with the meeting being held this week in Los Angeles, also entitled "The Kobe Conference," between females 19-30 years of age, who are discussing how to implement an early warning system for horny basketball players.

Meanwhile, in Antarctica, we've been preparing for 10 years for the world's largest iceburg to hit some of the continental ice and rebound back out to sea. It was supposed to be the biggest collision of the age. We built outposts and set up cameras and drank lots and lots and lots of hot cocoa. So what happened when it hit last week?

It got stuck, wedged between two shallow areas miles apart from each other. It's just
sitting there, and could continue to do so for 20 years as estimated. 10 years of U.S. and British planning, building bases, etc. Now we can't even get ships and supplies in to the bases. The penguin community there is starving to death. And in the midst of this cold chaos sits the biggest iceburg in the world, looking around in confusion and saying, "What'd I do?"

From Joel...

"Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them."

From Pigpen...

"NNNNNNOOOOOOO! Damn I should've known who it was, but didn't and like an idiot I went to find out. She is just as nasty as ever. Eatbeast indeed."

Consider yourself Tondard!!

But just for the record, this is not a mean ad hominem attack. To tell you the truth, she is actually a mean terrible person.

These kids just look like trouble...

Monday, January 24, 2005

Here's a great shot of the kids over at Drakes place in the LBC. Not sure why I'm pointing at McKenzie's boob. Nor am I sure why Paul is wearing that faggotty grin and hat. (From left to right: Paul, McKenzie, Tondar and Frank) Posted by Hello

"Out with my sis. her birthday treat is getting to hang out with ME!...

worst gift ever"

Sunday, January 23, 2005


Contemplating Frank's 18 inch manhood...

Recently Frank has been telling the ladies that he has "18 inches of raw power." Now being in a position to neither confirm nor deny this claim, the only logistical picture of this bohemoth comes from Ancient Roman Pompeii. Notice how the beast is being suspended by a rigging contraption that relieves pressure on the groin. In addition, given Frank's size. We have also concluded that a full erection from "The Beast" would syphon off enough blood that it would actually cause poor Frank to pass out. But nevertheless, gaze upon the "glory of Ancient Rome," and contemplate the logistics of getting "18 inches all up ins." Posted by Hello

Frank: "I'm too dependant on alcohol to lower my inhibitions and standards."

I was going through my e-mail and came across the home page of a girl that graduated from high school a year after me. Check out these pics of an Eatbeast and her Horseman. I find the "New Year's Camp Out" most disturbing. Notice how her size consumes a quarter of the picture while her son seems so tiny. It's like a frightening version of a Rubens painting.

But anyways, I'm glad I haven't become completely domesticated yet. Yes I am totally willing to admit that I am immature and still enjoy running shenanigans, drinking too much, and enjoying an unhealthy amount of irresponsibility.

Cheers to that, as I raise my scotchy scotch.

I went to the Atlanta Symphony for the first time Thursday. It was alotta fun. In fact, I'm thinking about going back next week for Mozart's Requiem. This week they played 3 interesting pieces from Davies, Beethoven, and Dvorak. I really liked the Davies pieces. It's good to know that there are tonal pieces written in my lifetime that are actually halfway decent.

Another thing I enjoyed was actually just seeing the music. With Beethoven and Dvorak, they lived in a time without recordings. So often times when I pick up one of their CDs you are only getting half the experience because you actually dont get to see violin bows, the drummers, or the tromboners, making the music and harmonies that you simply absorb with your ears. A trip to see the ASO is not only an aesthetic treat for your ears, but also your eyes.