Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, October 29, 2005


Tres - If I were a girl I'd be pretty primed for F*cking.

Well last night Tres rolled in to the A.T.L. for a few fun and games in celebration of his new job selling insurance. Can you dig that money? CAN YOU DIG THAT MONEY? Anyways, we kicked the night off with our traditional meal at El Toro. It was a good time considering we were treated to the musical stylings of a no-talent accoustic guitar singer. Tres tipped him a dollar to recognize his excellence at sucking in a unique fashion. None of the greats were sacred. He made the Beatles suck. He made the Polic suck. He made the Cure suck.

Afterwards we swung by the liquor store. After a lengthy period of browsing we selected a single malt bottle of Glenmorangie 12 year aged in the Sherry Wood Finished casks...

"Glenmorangie Sherry Wood Finish is the colour of light gold, full-bodied, even and creamy. The malt has a subdued, sweet taste at the outset with a light, dry finish. Sherry and nuts are both apparent in the flavour and these produce a pleasant, warm long after-taste. The rich and fulfilling taste engages the whole palate."

In other words, it actually does have a lighter fruitier taste. I was a bit dissapointed in its lack of smoothness. However, I do find the taste to be rather delightful. And at $51.99 a bottle it should be!

But anyways, there wasn't too much excitement last night. We stayed inside until almost 3, listening to a bit of Marcy Playground and working on our secret project. However, we did brave the occupation and set out on an adventure. We came across giant metallic dragons asleep in a field of Georgia clay. We fulfilled the prophecy as we used the Staff of Dunwoody to align Orion's Belt with Venus instantly slaying the beasts with only greasey hands to show for it.

Seth on why this weapon will not deter...

I can't understand why the rabbis would be cool with it.

You're not supposed to touch pig's blood if you're Jewish, either, although we make exception when it can't be avoided (e.g. if you're starving). From my understanding of Orthodox Judaism, that doesn't include if you bought the pen, clipped it to your lapel, then got on a bus to the West Bank.

I asked my editor (if anyone were to make a list of the top 100 security people in the country he would have to be on it) what he thought of the pen.

He said it's stupid. First of all, during a suicide bombing, the bomber usually doesn't stop to read what's on everyone's pen. But as for its claim of serving as a deterrent altogether, Islamic suicide bombers are told that by dying in service to Allah, they will attain paradise regardless of the sins they committed in life. The pig's blood thus makes it so the bomber and his victims (if they're Muslim or Jewish) all die a little more shamed and that's it. At worst, Allah might take away a virgin.

Of course, by manufacturing the pen in the first place, we can get the Muslim world angrier at us.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


I need to borrow her for the Tour Championship. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


DLD sent me this one...

Little Mikey was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up...fireman,policeman, salesman, etc. Mikey was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for some money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Mikey aside to ask him, "is that really true about your father?"

With teary eyes..."No," said Mikey, "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

So I went out for trivia tonight. In the early rounds we took it right in the nose. However, with the help our pop culture gay and our literary tits, we were able to claw our way back for a 3rd place finish. And what might you ask do you get for winning? Why $10 at the bar and 2 passes to the 2005 PGA Tour Championship. La dee freakin' da! Let me get this straight, I get to go and watch OTHER people play golf? F that noise. Tondar don't roll like that.

I heard Neal Boortz talking about this the other day on the air. However, Seth passed this official press release on to me...

"LAS VEGAS, NV - October 25, 2005 - With global suicide bombings on the rise, more and more innocent lives are being destroyed. In response, Susblood Labs, LLC is introducing a quality writing instrument that contains a potent formulation including a non-toxic, cryogenically frozen porcine plasma (pig's blood) as a key component.

The ancient Islamic "Doctrine of Jihad" promises homicide bombers an eternity in paradise accompanied by seventy-two virgins in exchange for committing their deadly acts of suicidal terror. However, this same doctrine states that Muslim terrorists defiled by pig's blood will not enter paradise, but will instead spend eternity in hell, alone.

"Knowing that a fine mist of pig's blood will be sprinkled all over his body after his bomb explodes may well cause an Islamic terrorist to think twice before following through with his heinous act," says Dr. James Susblood, founder of Susblood Labs, LLC.

Just last year, pig's blood and other pork by-products were approved for use in Israel by the Jerusalem Rabbinical Court in an effort to dissuade homicide bombings.

"Our intent is to overcome the threat of terror with the promise of eternal damnation," says Dr. Susblood.

Susblood Labs, LLC is today announcing the release of a new ergonomic and completely functional ball point pen called "Infidel's Revenge". This pen is a high quality writing instrument and incorporates the same technology used in the company's industrial product line. The Infidel's Revenge ball point pen resembles a hypodermic needle and is encased in a sealed plastic cylinder that contains the patent-pending formula. The formula is non-toxic and completely safe. This pen can now be purchased by any consumer, and provides a simple and effective way for everyone to fight terrorism.

"Finally, there is something we can all do to prevent terror attacks. Using the new Susblood pens for your everyday writing needs means that terror prevention technology will be resident in every drawer, every purse, every pocket everywhere, thereby eliminating the terrorists' primary motivation for homicide bombing," states Dr. Susblood. "Suicide bombers contemplating terror must now decide between
completing their mission and spending eternity in hell."

Of course how long before it becomes acceptable to touch pig's blood while killing the infidels? You know the jihadists will simply adjust their battle plans to thwart our villianous schemes.

"How do I even begin to describe its magnificence? First off, it is big—bigger than anything I could ever imagine! Secondly, it's painted an incredible, alarming, eye-catching red! Thirdly, it makes the most attention-grabbing sounds: whistles, bangs, gearshifts, bells. And that siren! Of all the noises, the siren is surely the best!"

Now this is an editorial. Be sure to check out the latest in The Onion by Edwin Brauer as he experiences sensory overload from a FIRETRUCK.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Thank you for birthday wishes, Miss Kristin. You are the bestest! Posted by Picasa

Hot off the e-mail wire, here is another update from Katherine the Great in Mother Russia...

Priviet everyone!

I hope this email finds you all well! I hope you are doing great things and enjoying life! I miss you all so very much.

Well, it was another busy, busy week! We had our first round of snow, so it is really winter here! I am not sure what I was thinking when I was packing my bags because I didn't bring very warm clothes! Thank goodness they have the old soviet heaters in the buildings.... but it is so hot we have to have the windows open!

I traveled to the capital of our republic this week called Izhevsk. It was a few hours away, and we went by bus on these horrible back roads because there is a lack of "nice roads" as they call them. We spent the night at a camp in the middle of a birch tree forest, and it was gorgeous! Russia is known for birch trees, so we were sleeping in them! While in the city, we got a tour and went to the Kalashnikov museum- the creator the the AK47 weapon (gun). The museum was actually closed, but they let us in for our own private tour! It was crazy! So many guns! We also went to the AIDS Center where I met some important officials in the work of HIV/AIDS here, so that was really fascinating for me!

This week was our translator, Olga's birthday! We got her a huge boquet of flowers, and she loved them! It is very popular to give flowers as gifts in Russia. They are everywhere! So she invited us to her house for her birthday party, and there we met her friends and took part in the usual Russian birthday traditions. We had a Russian cooking class in the kitchen we learned to make pizza and appetizers. They were delicious.... but much different from American pizza! Just imagiine mayonaise, pickles, cucumbers, garlic, tomatoes, peppers, and cheese.... that is what it is like! Oh and they love raw fish and sardines here, so that was on top too! mmmmmm good! (or not!) But it was a great cultural experience for me. We also got to drink loads of vodka and wine and eat torte.... it is kinda like cake but not really. It was a great birthday!

Later that night we went to the movies and saw "Brothers Grimm." I didn't really understand much since it was in Russian, but I enjoyed watching it on the couches they have as seats in the movies! It was comfy! Then we went upstairs to the disco and danced all night long. We shared many stories over vodka and piva (Russian beer) and really had a great night. We made our way home in the middle of the night and had pillmini- a Russian traditional dish for a snack. It looks like brains, but it tastes pretty good!

Sunday we decided to have everyone over to our place for a little celebration. We had a cultural exchange of American and Russian traditions, and we showed them mamosa (sp?) the drink with orange juice and champagne, and they made us Russian pancakes! This was day two of our Russain cooking class! They are like crepes, but you eat them with sour cream and jam! They are fabulous! So we had a great day of bonding and drinking while eating pancakes for hours!

Well, besides all of the fun, we are doing a lot of work. I am losing momentum in my presentations because I had a bad one today with some students who didn't think HIV is a real problem, but I think I eventually got through to them.... thank goodness! We have many more schools to go to, and I hope that they will go well! This weekend we will be traveling to a new city, Kazan. I am very excited! This city is celebrating its 1000th birthday! That is OLD!

Thanks again to all of you who sent emails! Sorry if I dont respond right away, I don't have very good access here. But please know that I love reading mail from you! Thank you so much! I am very happy and excited to look at my calendar and see that I will be home in a month! I can't wait!

Until next time, take care and best of luck in whatever you are doing! I miss you and love you all!



Sunday, October 23, 2005

I wonder what Hurricane Wilma did to the Yucatan. No sir, it can't be good. Posted by Picasa

Sure Tondar still doesn't support Kat but nevertheless, from Russia With Toast, here's Katherine...

Priviet everyone! (hello in Russian!)

I hope this email finds you all doing well. I miss you all! Thanks so much for the great emails! It makes my day when I get a chance to check my mail! You guys rock!

Well, sooooooo much more to tell you all! First, this week was particulary horrible for me because I was throwing up like mad! Yes, I finally got the flu or food poisoning here, not sure which. It was quite nasty, like nothing I have ever experienced before! But, after several days, I am in much better shape and feeling like Kat again! I have also had a nasty cold for 3 weeks, and I finally met with a doc who hooked me up with some great Russian stuff to get rid of it all! So I am much better and productive now!

Well, coming to Russia is like getting into a time machine and going back 50 years. Nothing is computerized. Everything takes so long. They don't even sell postcards or envelopes to mail things because the mail system is so corrupted that no one mails things here! How messed up! So, I am sorry to say, but I will not be sending out postcards! Sorry.... but it wouldn't make it to you! Also, the phones here on are rotary, and I am so far in the middle of nowhere that I can't use a phone unless I call direct to the US which is crazy expensive! Anyway, I feel out of the loop with communication and such, so I hope you all keep emailing me with the latest news!

You should see the cars old! Everything is old! I can't wait to show you the pictures of how I use our stove to cook....or me doing my laundry in the bathtub! It is such a different life! Be thankful for life's simple pleasures in America!

Well, I am in the town of Glazov, which is the Russian word for eye. The city is shaped like an eye, and the streets are the eyelashes. It is 18 hours away from Moscow to the southeast. If you were to look on a map, you will never find it! Before I came, I googled the site and found only guns and vodka sites! So, no worries.... I am fine! It is a small town, and of course we are the only Americans here... maybe even the only ones who have ever been here! But I like it very much, and all of the people are so wonderful.

I work for an NGO called Window to the Future, and we do HIV/AIDS work in town. I have so many ideas, and I love to implement them and see how they work here! I started a coloring contest for everyone in town to make the best poster advertising HIV/AIDS prevention, and we have so many great pieces of art so far! I love it! I can't wait to select a winner and show you pictures when I get home! I am also busy going to different places and schools each day until about 7 or 8pm. I am so tired when I get home! I also started teaching a class at the medical school on volunteering and HIV/AIDS, so that is fascinating.

I went to a few concerts for Teacher's Day- a big holiday here! All of the students get flowers and gifts for teachers and sing and dance. They even got me presents because they know I am a teacher at home! It was soooo cute!

I went to a hockey game, and that was awesome. They don't have protective glass for the puck going into the crowd like we do at home, so I had to pay attention so I wouldn't get one in my face! It was a great game!

I visited an orphanage in town last week, and it was so sad. I met with the children and talked about HIV and gave them all red ribbons. They were so happy to have me pin a red ribbon on their thankful! I was in tears. Then they came out and gave me a stuffed animal owl they had made themselves! It was an unforgettable moment!

I have new friends here, and it was my friend Katia's birthday, so we got to celebrate the Russian way! We had loads of champagne (so good here!) and did toasts and shared cake... it was great.

Overall, my experience here is almost half way done! I can't believe it! It has been great, but there is so much more to do. I am so happy I am feeling better so I can get more done. I can't wait to share more pics too!

Thanks for all of your support! I miss you and love you all! I wish you the best in all you are doing wherever you are in the world!



I could recount the details of last weekends adventure, but since I can't remember I will leave them to the song of the minstrel...

Who will be Gregory, who will be Guy
Who will play Conrad, or Leo or Frye
Who can take William, our Sicilian bro
will be Curly, who Larry, who Moe?

Who can play Isaac, the Comnenus gent
And who, pray tell Tondar, can play our Tancrent?
Who is Saladin, against whom we fight?
And where are the Hospitallers to attack on his right?

Where are the Templars for this great crusade?
And the great German army all dying of plague?
I tell you now Dar that they matter not
For three it was only who enter this plot.

Later, Sarah explains Terrifica’s vitriol. “I have loved two men in my life,” she says. “The first man dumped me when I moved to NYC. That was Terrifica’s birth. The second just dumped me. I thought that turning 30 and falling in love were signals for the retirement of Terrifica. But ever since I was dumped—in the most brutally humiliating of ways—I have felt compelled to put the stupid tights and wig back on. As soon as I pull on that mask, I feel really strong.”

Que Terrifica! Nothing like the moment when you have a cute girl sitting in your lap and just as you're about to go in for the kiss some asshole comes walking in. "Thank you! Thank you very much, ASSHOLE!"

From Frank's Fwd...


A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

So black leaders are now upset that New Orleans is about to change demographically. Pigpen sent me this Ruben Navarrette Jr. column on the real underlying issue.

From Pigpen...

"How is this not racist? Albeit, it's a different form then we're used to seing depicted? But let's call a spade a spade here, and get down to the real deal. If white America made these statements, then talk of the KKK and lawsuits would abound. How repugnant and careless of Jackson to play the race card on hispanics."

Right on. I'm not exactly sure what Jesse Jackson is waiting for (besides a handout). But I thought one of the big lessons of the destruction of New Orleans was the impact of government dependency. After all as Navarrette wrote...

"Let's understand the stakes. This is a struggle between those who want to be seen as delivering salvation and those who believe that everyone is responsible for saving themselves.

Funny. Given the government's slow response to Katrina, I thought that argument was settled."

Now of course New Orleans must be rebuilt. Being at the mouth of the Mississippi it is vital for our agricultural industries and shipping needs in the Midwest. With that being said, we certainly don't have to build the massive New Orleans welfare state of the past. The city can be much smaller without a reliance on government handouts. However, to get upset because New Orleans isn't as black as before is very ridiculous. In a day and age when we are supposed to be colorblind and race neutral, we should be able to agree that we need to build the best New Orleans possible. And if those willing to do so are Hispanics, I say bienvenidos amigos, se llama Nuevo Orleones.

Another thing I find to be beneficial about the destruction of New Orleans is that we no longer have the concentration of poverty. Houston and Atlanta have both stepped up and have taken on a large part of the burden. Here in Atlanta alone we have seen a rise in unemployment and crime. Of course, on the face this is bad for Atlanta. But for the nation as a whole, if we can spread the misery around a little better, it will make it easier for charity and welfare to be more effective as it won't be as overwhelming as it previously was in New Orleans.

Sorry the blogging has been light this week. Between my trip to Nash Vegas, my birthday, Miss Allison, and planning my trip to Paris I haven't had the time to devote to Daily Rant. But hopefully things should get better now that I have retired the PS2 for a while and will focus on more pressing concerns.

But yes, I did mention that I'm going to Paris. I will be leaving January 12 and will be flying back out of CDG on January 22. I found a great deal on N'West airlines, so if you are down for a (not-so) romantic trip with Tondar and Seth in the City of Lights shoot me an e-mail and we can make some plans.

Pigpen on Cindy Sheehan's latest rant...

"I tried to read all of this, but it is so circular, contridicting and confusing I just couldn't get all the way through. The one thing that did come to mind though was centered around the money quote...

"Playing politics with our soldiers' lives is despicable."

Funny you should mention that Cindy, isn't that exactly what you're doing?"

Pigpen's right on with this thing. First where is the MSM's coverage of Sheehan attacking a fellow liberal? They run her up and down the TV when she is after a Republican, but heaven forbid there should be televised coverage of liberals eating their own. Secondly, this piece reads like the Unabomer Manifesto. With all the "I believe this" and "She believes that," it becomes a jumbled mess of feelings and logic with the final conclusion being that we should not support the war in Iraq because the war in Iraq should not be supported.

Urgh! It made my head hurt.