Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

HAHA, YOU MADE NATIONAL NEWS!

I saw this clip on Jay Leno last night. Little did I realize at the time that it actually went down at the Cascade Walmart. By far my favorite part is the woman (Daretha Arnold Youngblood) laying on the bottom of the pile and her first thought is to re-affix her wig before trying to escape. If you recognized the wig, you're actually right on. This was the wig worn by the Master of Ceremonies at the Coliseum in "Gladiator."

Thursday, November 24, 2005

FATTY'S GOTTA EAT

Check out what Ben Franklin had to say about the first Thanksgiving. It's certainly not his most sardonic piece. However, it is a nice primary source on this day of puritanical thankfulness. Don't tell Sackett and the protestants, but I'm gonna celebrate too.

Gobble gobble gorge!
MAY THE PARTY NEVER STOP

During my travels I was never able to take in England outside of 6 hrs at Gatwick. But anyways, it seems that once again we see that the United States is actually the old fuddy duddy as England and Wales can now extend drinking hours to a full 24. Now that's a Tondar kinda country there!

I'm sure there are Brits everywhere lamenting, "Well looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking."

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

STILL ANGRY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

"At that moment the alcohol was coursing through my veins like it was just another Super Thursday at Frank's. But this Thursday it was Thanksgiving. And unfortunately I was not in the comforts of the Wolf's Lair sucking down free Budweiser's with the Substance Abuse Master. I had escaped from my family after the humiliating breakdown of a few hours earlier. So here I was in the parking lot of the Star Theatre with a Toys-R-Us shopping cart raised over my head like Charlton Heston bringing the law down on the unfaithful jabronies. With a fitful roar I heaved the cart as far as possible screaming, "I hate my life!" This was a phrase that I had learned from Drake. As much as I dig that luckiest son of a bitch on earth, it can be rather difficult to live with somebody so fatalistic, especially when you are at rock bottom. There is no way somebody like that CAN'T influence your life and outlook."

For those of you who weren't there for Tondar's Thanksgiving Trainwreck of 1999, I was in rare form that night. It started 2 days earlier when I was dumped by my girlfriend, the one with the name like a wooden-shoed stripper. But I was madly in love and she had reached into my chest removing my heart in a mechanical souless fashion just in time for me to celebrate the loan fall break of the Michigan semester. I was VERY heartbroken at the time. This in fact compounded my drunkenness due to the fact that I had eaten about 1 meal in total over the last 48 hours. Afterall, how can one eat when one's existence is rattled to the core. However, what made the moment worse was what went down earlier that evening. With perfect cat-like timing she waited until I was several drinks into the day, 2 sheets to the wind, and one pounded High Life beyond caring. She then demanded back her jewelry. Yes, the same girly ring I used to ward off homo flirtations. In retrospect, it worked so perfectly in film class, "No, I DON'T drink coffee!" But anyways, we had worked out a perfect quid pro quo to exchange the jewelry I had given her during our relationship for her ring that I wore. Unfortunately, it all went down in a blaze of glory an hour later when she showed up during the nintendo-bender portion of the day. I still remember the "holy crap" look even on Denise's face, and she despises me! To even have Dark Lord Denise feeling sympathetic, anybody could tell something was up. Well after an angry exchange of rings in the driveway she took off out of my life forever, and I returned to the bottle. Luckily that night I was saved by Katherine and the old Kenowa Crew who took me out to a movie. Sure, I was a heavy burden that night, but I certainly am thankful to them being there on that rough night to take my mind off the douchebagery of the moment.

Anyways, you might be wondering why I recently remembered this moment 6 years later. Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it was the Thanksgiving season. Maybe it was Michael Savage's mention of "A classic Thanksgiving." But what really struck me was the fit of rage that coursed through my body when I remembered this moment in the middle of doing dishes. Sure she doesn't mean a thing to me now. But this doesn't mean that it hurts any less. Nor does it mean that I am not curious to hear the tales of her downward spiral of pregnancy and assholes. Or in the words of Heathcliff...

"I have no pity! The more the worms writhe, the more I yearn to crush out their entrails! It's a moral teething; and I grind with greater energy, in proportion to the increase in pain."


So yes, I do gain strength from my current position in the arms of the delightful Miss Allison while hopefully Lacey writhes in a pain of her own creation. I would say may the bitch burn in hell, but I hope that her current state is somehow worse and a more deserving fate. But for the year of 2005, let it be known that Tondar is thankful for being better off without that *redacted* of a bitch...Not that I'm holding a grudge or anything.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

BYE BYE BUTTERFLY

Seth on the New NHL...

"Nobody on ESPN can seem to figure out why Martin Brodeur, Marty Turco, Rick DiPietro, J-S Giguere, and other big-name goalies haven't been fairing well, and Nicholai Khabibulin has been awful, while Manny Legace, Dominick Hasek, and a slew of flashy rookies like Henrik Lundqvist, Jason LaBarbera and Cam Ward have been hot all season.

1. Getting on the right bus -- When last we met, Khabibulin had one of the best 6-man defense squads in the league in front of him, not to mention an offense that could hold onto the puck. Now, he's got Jim Vandermeer. Brodeur lost Scott Stevens. But blue lines don't tell the whole story, or Cam Ward and Henrik Lundqvist would still be rookies waiting their turn. It does, however, explain Rick DiPietro.

Manny Legace faces the least shots per game (until last night) in the league, and Hasek has the NHL's best squad in front of him. Both of those guys have made huge saves but their teams have also been freakishly good at holding onto the puck and getting their goalies a lead. Hence all the wins. Ward's Hurricanes have been flying high behind fellow rookie Eric Staal, Lundqvist benefits from opposing teams keeping
a guy back to slow down the red-hot Jaromir Jagr. LaBarbera looks best when Norstrom's on the ice, or the Frolov/Conroy/Demitra line is putting pressure on the other end. The Kings keep the puck in their offensive zone better than any team in the league (except when they're on a power play for some reason). That's got to help.

2. Aim Low -- All ESPN really has to do to know what's going on with goalies is to watch them play. Giguere, Brodeur, and especially Khabibulin are all big-pad goalies. Hasek is an acrobat. The kids were drafted for their quickness. Legace's stand-up, slide-down style hasn't been seen since hockey players wore Jason masks (he reminds me a lot of Jimmy Craig). Without their big pads and oversized jerseys, sitting in the butterfly all day doesn't do so much. Giguere discovered he has a five-hole. Brodeur has let a few squirt past him at key moments that used to get caught in his jersey.

As for DiPietro, nobody doubts the kid has the talent to be putting up better numbers. His pads shrank a lot, but his real problem is how often you'll find Miroslav Satan and Alexei Yashin waiting for an outlet pass at the blue line while Brent Sopel stands in a defensive style inspired by Shaq watching three opposing players tee off on the kid in the crease.

Outlook: If you're afraid that Brodeur has lost his touch, or that Marty Turco will never be the superman he was promised to be, relax. Turco has speed and smarts and is already turning around, while Brodeur is still the best goalie of his generation. His problem is he perfected his style around big pads and angles, but the guy is still quicker laterally than anyone else in the league. Give him time to tweak his style and I think he'll be back.

One thing's certain, though: the butterfly goalie isn't what he used to be. And that's exactly what the "new" NHL was going for by shrinking pads."
THE ADVENTURE OF THE MIND

Some adventures take Tondar to the into forgotten kingdoms of the past. While others represent the most creative efforts of Richard's and the Cisco Kid. While other adventures just seem to defy the laws of space and time. This is one of those stories.

Saturday night, Tres and I returned home from the opera "Porgy & Bess." Sure it was a bit late to be hitting the bottle, but we are seasoned veterans that don't quite understand this concept of "excess" the kids speak of occasionally. I got things kicked off with a scotch while Tres went right for the gusto mixing peach Cisco with Tampico and a drop of Kroger Lemon/Lime. His drink was actually not that bad and I followed for round two.

Well one thing led to another, the 8's got Crazy, 2 drinks became 4, and driven on without a moment to spend, I passed the evening with a drink and a friend. We did have a bit of excitement around 2:30 as the Cisco ran out and Tres dropped the first drink of rum and Tampico all over the tan carpeting. Unlike when Lady Talkington did this, I did not proceed to berate and belittle the bastard sending him home drunk and in tears. Instead we jumped into action and with a combination of white wine and baking soda we were able to minimize the damage. However, before we knew it the train was speeding out of control. Before the night could end there would have to be some sort of disaster.

The facts: Around 6:30 we contemplated a drive to Waffle House for breakfast. This was an attractive idea. However, a drunken misstep made me question my abilities to drive after spending the last 6 hours on a bender. Thus, I set about making a frozen pizza. Well earlier in the evening Tres found my toolbox and decided this would be a good point to threateningly poke me with a screwdriver. In response, I decided to put carrots, in addition to the eggs, and saurkraut that were already on the pizza. (Fond memories of Sicily and last night dinner made me think this would be a good idea.) The last thing I remember is an early morning black preacher screaming on the TV while competing with Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" for my attention. The next thing I know, I am in bed wearing all my clothes. This is weird because I NEVER sleep in anything by my underwear. What made this moment stranger was that all the clocks were flashing 12, the Christmas lights were unplugged, Tim Russert and "Meet The Press" are blaring in the next room, and I found Tres sprawled across the bathroom floor sleeping. I few minutes later I woke up Tres to pick his brain over what just occurred.

Our Explanation: At 7:30 aliens kidnapped Tres and myself. Their presence disrupted the electricity in my apartment, disrupting the pizza in mid-cook. Since, they were also freaked out about the Christmas lights, these were telepathically unplugged. They then took Tres and myself to their spaceship where we were given anal probes, needles were stuck in our eyes, and we were forced to perform fellatio on eachother in their extraterrestrial attempt to excessively high bloodsugar levels from a night of drinking. Not knowing that I'm a peculiar asshole they returned me to my bed wearing all my clothes. On the other hand, they could gather that Tres was a piece of crap and they dropped him off next to the toilet.

The Scientific Explanation: Occam's Razor tells us that we should not increase the amount of variables to explain a phenomenon. Thus we should assume that Tondar, Tres and the electricity all blacked out at the same time leaving no record of our drunken trainwreck. Tres quietly went off to puke leaving Tondar alone. When the power went out Tondar became drunkenly irate. In a furry of profanity, the Christmas lights were unplugged and I crashed into bed badmouthing the fate that left my pants over my skibbies and my pizza in the oven.

I well leave the final resolution of the Adventure of the Mind in the hand of the reader. However, that is all that is known, and these are the best reasoned theories of two 25 year olds that slept until 5:30 pm one Sunday in November.
KATHERINE WATCH

It's too bad we couldn't get Li'l John to do some screaming intro for Katherine...

"Greetings everyone!

I hope this email finds you all doing well. Two weeks from today is Thanksgiving, so that means that I will be home soon! I am very excited, but I know it will be hard to leave my new friends and life here in Russia.

Well, the last week has been very busy. Tamara and I went to Siberia for the weekend, and it was awesome! We took an overnight train and arrived early in the morning to Ekaterinburg, which is officially in Asia/Siberia. Talk about small world.... the lady who was in charge of our train car was our translator's sister! It was so cool to have her on our train! I can't believe what a coincidence it was when there are so many trains in Russia!

Tamara has studied Russian for many years and works with environmentalists from Russia, so her friend Nikita came to pick us up. We stayed at his friend's apartment for the weekend, so that was nice to save us some cash. She was a sweetheart who made us yummy Russian food and took care of us all weekend.

Ekaterinburg was just opened in 1991 to tourists (after the fall of the Soviet Union), as it was a closed city before that. There is so much history that is still a secret about this military town. We saw all of the sites and had a nice time seeing a big city. While we were there, I even saw a "Subway"..... the sandwich place! It was just like a real American one, but I didn't eat there. I got a chance to eat Georgian food again, and I tried "McPeak" which is the Russian version of Mc Donald's. It was quite interesting, and I think that is what made me sick the last few days!

The first night we were there, we went and played American pool with our friends and had a few beers. I am soooo good at pool after I drink piva (beer)! I beat a bunch of these Russian guys, I was quite shocked! Then we tried to get home, and I found out that all Russian cars are taxis. Yes, that is right. You just put your hand out and a car stops and you pay them to take you somewhere! It was funny trying to find a car that would fit 6 of us, but we did!

The next night we went to a club to hear some live lounge music, and it was great! It was on Russian MTV, and it was one of the coolest clubs I have ever seen. While we were there, I followed Russian tradition and bouïðå our table a bottle of vodka and had vodka shots with toasts all night. It was such a blast! I feel truly Russian now that I follow their traditions! I even met a new friend who had a car.... and he drove us to the Europe/Asia border! It was so cool because it is in the middle of a forest on the outside of town. We drove there late at night and took pictures! I was in Asia with one foot, and Europe with the other! It was so neat!

I had such a good time with my new friends in Siberia that it was so hard to leave. It just makes me realize how hard it will be to leave Russia in just a matter of days. I am not ready for this! It rips my heart out everytime I do this.... I travel and live for a few months, and then leave. It is so hard! I get so attached to my new home and friends, it hurts! But it is worth it, plus I know I will come back to visit. If you ever get a chance to come to Russia, you should do it!

I also spent a day at a Russian orphanage this week. WOW. That was so interesting. I think I want to adopt a Russian child! I was touring the orphanage when a little kid ran up to me and said..."Mama!" I instantly had tears in my eyes. There are so many children without parents in this country, and Americans come and adopt them, which is so awesome since Russians dont adopt children.

Well, this is long enough. I have so much to do in only 2 weeks time! I can't wait to come home and see all of you! I miss you so much!

Take care!

Baka!

Kat

Monday, November 21, 2005

VIN DIESEL IS A SUNUVABITCH

Check out this list of Vin Diesel facts. They will blow your mind with their sheer force of buttkickingness.

Here's my favorite...

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.


If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."


Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
PIC OF THE DAY


Though not present, Trollexis was an indespensable member of the troll possie. Posted by Picasa
OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD...

Saturday during the OSU game, Tres and I had a visit from the ghost of hook ups past. Now here we were in Atlanta, enjoying the game with the UM Alumni club hundreds of miles from the mire of Ann Arbor, when a girl across the bar caught my eye. She certainly wasn't attractive, however, she seemed familiar. Figuring that it was just one of those strange coincidences I went back to watching the games. That's when Tres leaned over and said, "That's Alexis." At first, I was in doubt but upon further examination, he was dead on! It was Trollexis herself.

Of all the gin joints in all the world, she had to wander into the Line @ 285. Unfortunately there isn't much of a climax to the story. In that way it is similar to "Yeza on the Bus." We saw her, she saw us, and we ignored eachother. But this still didn't prevent us from making a few jokes about eating goat and her living under bridges.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT

Well Tondar the Destroyer isn't as young as he used to be. And my ability to consume alcohol is certainly proof of that. Oh, don't worry this Master of Disaster can still knock them back. However, the next day it seems to take a little more to get the motor running mentally. The Drinkers Remorse seems to grow more forceful with age. I guess the body can't handle the chemical imbalances as easily as it used to. I remembered actually enjoying hangovers before because they were nice reminders of being alive. Even Johnny Cash sang of that in "Sunday Morning Coming Down." But on the other hand I guess when the next day is cold, rainy and overcast, this isn't exactly the type of weather that makes one a happy ball of sunshiney smiles either. But if there was ever a reason not to do coke, the rebounding depression after that high pretty much seals the deal for me.
CLOSER TO THE HEART

If you haven't heard Butch Walker and 99x's rendition of Rush's "Closer to the Heart," you obviously haven't lived. Who is Butch Walker, you ask? No, he's not the guy that used to say Dyn-O-Mite. According to 'Butchwalkerfansite.com' he's "Atlanta's own bona fide rockstar, ready to rock the world!!" In that case y'all should be ready to have your face rocked off. That's right, ROCKED OFF!
PIC OF THE DAY


He's kinda like the Tres Crow of China Posted by Picasa
ROCKIN' THE T-BAGG

Tres swung through Atlanta once again this weekend. Needless to say it was off the hizzy. Between the Ohio State loss and the opera, we had a few drinks and a few laughs. Though we didn't leave to go on any adventures we certainly went on an Adventure Of The Mind this morning. Frankly, it's wonderful that we didn't burn up. Unfortunately, I don't think my carpet will ever be the same again. But hey, it gives the folks something to do when they come to visit for Christmas.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Tres: I don't mind these burps because they taste so good.