Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

PIC OF THE DAY

Ready for some fortified fun?


"In the end, I suppose I would have to liken Cisco to sex. You see, it's never the same after the first time, but that doesn't stop you from coming back for more." Posted by Picasa
THE MARCH TO THE SEA

If you're interested in Sherman's 1864 March to the Sea, check out this great interactive site designed by the AJC. Be sure to have your sound on for this one.
FRANK'S COMIN! FRANK'S COMIN!!

Somewhere in my head I hear the sound of Berlioz' Hungarian March from the "Le Damnation De Faust." What's the word, Frank?

"To All:

Yezamen, I will be taking the Night Train Express out to the ATL at the end of January, from Saturday morning, January 28 through Wednesday, February 1st. It seems that we will have the megalomaniac himself, Tres Crow from Knoxville, joining us for Mint Juleps and all manner of debauchery.

All of you are more than welcome to come down to the Dirty Dirty. Unfortunately, I will only be able to get wasted on Saturday night, but I will risk, for the sake of a Cisco greater than I, earning the ire of my fundamentalist Christian relatives who are taking me out to lunch on Sunday. Yes, I know, THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER. And yes Dave, I have fundamentalist Christian relatives (eat your heart out!).

But as Tondar would say, we plan to do The Lord's Work: drinking, drinking and hopefully making it through an Atlanta Thrasher's hockey game. But let me say I have a grander vision: Doing The Lord's Work, In Earnest. We will consume all manner of alcohol, hopefully from an automated dispensing unit. We will consume all manner of bum wine-for is it not an echelon above that of mere alcohol, the great despoiler of innards?! We will pierce all manner of punnani: Southern Bells, Asians, white Northern transplant sluts, and yes, more Asians. We will run all manner of shenanigans. This trip will be remembered as Sherman's Second March, for a Yankee outsider shall lay waste to Hotlanta.

Tondar does The Lord's Work via inspiration from the Southern Baptist Preacher. Well Dar, I take me inspiration from a Mormon Minister, to do The Work and The Glory.

At least we are all united under the example of the Substance Abuse Master, and the influence of The Thunderbird.

Cheers,

--
Frank"

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

PIC OF THE DAY

"Hey! Which one of you fatties wanna watch me pee?" Posted by Picasa

Monday, December 12, 2005

TURKEYS 2005

Better late than never. Here is a Seth Classic...

Turkeys ‘05

Kwame Brown – Sometimes, you get the 1st overall pick in 2004 and you can spend the next 20 years cashing in on the LeBron show. Other times, you get the 1st overall pick in 2001. Problem is, this one can’t score. At the end of his rookie contract, Kwame really tried to increase his free agent status, scoring career lows, getting fewer and fewer minutes, and getting booed incessantly by the Washington fans. Gilbert Arenas even had to go on the jumbo-tron before games to ask the fans to be nice. Kwame’s thanks: he made up a feud with Arenas and his coach, suggesting that Gilbert was plotting with teammates to keep Kwame down. For his efforts, he got traded to the Lakers to be an also-ran beside the Kobe Bryant Show. The two turkeys deserve each other.

Kobe Bryant – Oh, Kobe can play basketball alright. So with his rape trial now behind him, we figured another Laker championship was in the works, right? Well, no, because what good is a championship if Shaq gets all the credit. At the onset of this turkey season, Kobe had successfully lobbied to get Shaq traded away. While Big Diesel was turning the Heat into an NBA superpower, Kobe got to have L.A. all to himself. So what if his team was now just mediocre. The Kobe show isn’t about winning; it’s about keeping Kobe happy. He’ll break some point guard records of Jordan’s but Kobe’s already ahead of Michael in turkey hardware.

Atlanta Hawks – Owners feuding. Team imploding. Point guard wanting.

The Soldier (a regular) – What his father was to NFL Tight Ends, Kellen Winslow Jr. is the turkey list. The Soldier kept his legend alive this year in fantastic fashion. He managed to stay off our radar for several months as he recovered from making a complete turkey of himself last year. But in May, the re-activated moron was back to doing what he does best. Kellen decided he’d take the knee that had just been surgically repaired and start popping wheelies on his motorcycle, something his 2003 Turkey-winning contract negotiation specifically outlawed. Lo and behold, the Soldier crashed his contraband vehicle and talented football body, meaning it’s going to be a-whole-nother year before he marches into battle for the Browns.

Ernest Shazor – We knew something was up when Lloyd Carr said Shazor’s attitude was the only thing keeping him from stardom before his sophomore season. For his junior year, Shazor become known for some monster hits and great tackles on running plays, although he was still learning coverage. But come Ohio State and then Texas in the Rose Bowl, more than any other Wolverine defender, he was made a turkey by mobile quarterbacks. Named an All-American anyway, Ernest decided to forego his senior season despite everyone’s advice to the contrary. He didn’t even get drafted. He tried to make the Arizona Cardinals – the NFL’s worst franchise – as a free agent, but didn’t try as hard as others in tryouts and ended up getting cut. Michigan, meanwhile, struggled in the middle of the season when their entire safety corps (Mundy, Barringer, Jamar Adams and Englemon) went out with injury. Guess that college degree looks better now, doesn’t it, turkey?

Maurice Clarrett – Our 2003 Turkey of the Year may have made his last turkey list this year. Finally old enough for the NFL draft, it turns out Maurice didn’t have that much after all. He posted a horribly slow 40-time in the draft combine (4.8), then sat around trying to come up with excuses and convince GMs that the 4.4 his agent clocked him at wasn’t made up. He further hurt his stock by walking out of the draft workout. When draft day came – a draft that saw a record number of running backs taken early and often – Maurice didn’t get the call until the 3rd round, a gamble made by the Denver Broncos, who are known for developing running backs. Lucky to be picked before the 6th round, Maurice then decided he was worth 1st round dollars, and pushed for a 4-year contract with tons of incentives. But then the real killer: Clarrett was so unimpressive in the preseason that the Broncos released him, not even signing him to the practice squad. Clarrett is now the 2nd-string back for the Steubenville Stampede of the American Indoor Football League, which is for people not good enough to play in Europe or the Arena League’s minor league, AF2. By the way, 2005 would have been his senior season at Ohio State. Oh, boy, I have never seen a 3-year turkey run like this before.

Mark McGwire – When Congress decided to stick its nose into the steroid case, the man who kindly held the most storied record in sports for a brief interregnum between the reigns of Roger Maris and Barry Bonds, was called to testify. So Big Mac decided to invent a new defense: rather than answer the question you’re asked, start crying and talk about how it’s important to look to the future. For his performance, anyone still sitting around lamenting that the superior Bonds stole this fella’s perfect 70 put on a face like a defense attorney who just watched McCoy get a full confession from the defendant’s 13-year-old daughter.

Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions – This was supposed to be the year. They’d rebuilt a team in Detroit with high draft picks and big free agent acquisitions. They had talented and experienced defensive backs, superior linebackers, a monstrous d-line, a star running back, three star receivers, half of an offensive line, one of the best blocking FBs in the league, a star Tight End, a well-respected coach, a former head coach doing the defensive coordinating, and a 1st round QB ready for prime time backed by a former Pro-Bowler. Plus, the Superbowl was going to be in Detroit. The stars were aligned. What they made was a complete mess, with a feuding locker room and seemingly clueless organization. The offense was worse than anemic, one star receiver was benched while the other two learned how to drop passes from the start Tight End, and the QB situation became a nasty source of contention within the locker room. The rotten season culminated for these turkeys on Thanksgiving Day, as the luckless Lions played soulless and brainless against a struggling Falcons team. After giving himself a few days to “cool off” first, the engineer of this team fired the coach and offensive coordinator. In response, the team’s perennial Pro-Bowl star cornerback blamed everything on one of the quarterbacks.

Selfish Russian Hockey Players – Russian hockey players have a well-deserved reputation for being your typical attitudinal athletes. For their efforts, the only country to produce as much annual talent as Canada didn’t have a single 2005 1st round draft pick, and almost every Russian draftee went lower than projected. Top among the Bolshevik turkeys this season is Nikolai Khabibulin. This off-season, Khabi told Tampa Bay, where he won a cup in '03-'04, that he would allow them to match any offer. It was a lie: he just wanted to force up his contract rate before signing with Chicago for the big bucks, where he has proceeded to stink. We should start a selfish ruskie watch. Got any good names?

Big-padded Goalies – Funny thing happened when they decided to put the kabash on goalie pads the size of Texas: the netminders who always used talent to stop pucks (e.g. Domick Hasek, Tomas Vokoun) are having great seasons, while those who just wore really big pads before we made them smaller this year (Khabibibulin, Giguere, Lalime, et al.) are having a hard time stopping that 3rd-period 5-hole shot, not to mention those two in the second, and about four in the first. Maybe it’s those skinny old turkey legs.

The Yankees – George Steinbrenner’s payroll went over $250 million this year, which is about 8 times the league’s median average. For all the cash, the Yanks scuttled for much of the season before they made their run to the post-season. Although for most teams, bowing out in the playoffs is still a good year, when you try to buy a championship, at least make it look better than this.

Keith Tkachuk – The cap-crunched St. Louis Blues had a chance to buy off this former star with a hefty salary before the salary cap took effect, but the cheap bastards figured why pay someone NOT to play for you. Keith decided to show his gratitude by giving the Blues more for their buck, about 45 pounds more. Tkachuk showed up for the pre-season so out of shape that the Blues had to put him on injured reserve for the first half of the season. There’s a tale floating around the hockey world, probably apocryphal, about all this: You know how it’s NHL custom to always call everything a “groin” injury on the IR form, so opposing players won’t know what to target when the player comes back? It’s said that on Keith’s, they actually wrote “FAT-ASS.”

Politics Category: Louisiana Governors – It began with former Gov. Edwin Edwards (D) making news from jail, getting divorced just before Christmas because him being in prison was too much for her. Apparently, they should have just waited, as Mrs. Edwards was jailed for a drunk driving accident in May. Not to be out-done, his successor, Murphy Foster (R), a good friend of David Duke (KKK), decided to accept campaign donations and “other assistance” from Duke’s good buddies, the Klan. He also chopped funding to public works projects and used those funds to pay the New Orleans Saints a hefty $8-million/year bribe to stay put. Foster lost his re-election bid last November to Kathleen Blanco (D), who after freaking out during the hurricane, then turned much of her attention to public image and sulking whenever the president came to town. With a trio like this, the Governator doesn’t look so bad anymore, does he?

Bob Goodenow – I think now that the dust settles, it’s become clear that Gary Bettman knew what he was doing, and Goodenow was getting his come-uppance. Bettman’s the real sleaze if you want to know why we had to lose a season of hockey, but Goodenow, for playing the players to make more money for agents, being the loser in this battle of wills, and then getting fired by the players afterwards, came out as just a turkey. Hey, at least turkeys go to heaven, which is more than I can say for Gary Bettman.

The Royals – They made a strong push this year for the 1962 Mets’ record for worst record, but they couldn’t even do that right, finishing 56-106, only 43 games behind division (and World Series) champ Chicago, and tying the miserable 2002 Tigers. The 1962 Mets went 40-120, and were 60.5 games behind the Mays/McCovey Giants.

Least Bang for Your Buck Category – I’m starting a new tradition for the Turkey List: the Glen Sather award: given to the professional sports team that does the least with the most (and highest-priced) talent. With hockey going to a salary cap, and Sather’s own Rangers now playing a bunch of kids instead of stars, it looks like baseball’s our best bet for big spending with little return.

Anyway, with the preseason Glenn Sather Award frontrunners, the Toronto Maple Leafs, locked out of contention by the lockout, and the Yankees falling apart by going on a tear at the end of the season, the Detroit Tigers took home the hardware. The Motown Bengals have been on a rebuilding kick for several years since the almost-record-settingly bad 2002 debacle. Since then, they’ve built like Sather does: big names through free agency. The result, the club’s 9th consecutive losing season, dropping 20 more games than they won. They were only the 15th most-expensive team in the league, but their top 11 salaries demonstrate what the Sather Award is all about:

1. Bobby Higginson – 8.85 million – sat out all season, the last on one of the dumbest contracts in history. Career is over

2. Pudge Rodriguez – 8 million – ’04 free agent supposed leader and superstar brooded in the clubhouse and couldn’t hit with men on base.

3. Dmitri Young – 8 million – Odd man out in the lineup when not the DH, except for pathetic stint in the outfield.

4. Magglio Ordonez – 7.2 million – Biggest 2005 free agent signing sat out first half of season with a hernia while his old team was the best in the league.

5. Troy Percival – just under 6 million – New free agent closer got lit up, then got injured before midpoint, but after Tigers traded away his backup.

6. Placido Polanco – 4.6 million – Acquired for ’04 free agent Ugueth Urbina, played well but couldn’t help Tigers get back in the race.

7. Jason Johnson – 4 million – ’04 free agent, and Tigers’ most inconsistent starter, couldn’t win on the road.

8. Carlos Guillen – 4 million – Started strong, but his bad knees knocked him out of yet another season

9. Rondell White – 3.25 million – ’04 free agent, didn’t play good field, but hit well until injury knocked him out in July.

10. Fernando Vina – 3 million – ’04 free agent didn’t play all season.

11. Carlos Pena – 2.575 million – Hit so bad in the beginning that he spent most of the season in AAA.

And Finally, Our Number 1 Turkey of the Year:

Terrell Owens – The sign of a true turkey is one who doesn’t learn from acting like a turkey the first time, and continues to do more and more turkey-esque things. Our turkey of the year got off to a great start, coming back from injury to play poorly in the Superbowl because, he said, G-d himself had ordained that Owens play. A receiver with a burning bush complex is often enough on its own to qualify, but Terrell kept going. For his next act, Terrell decided that the massive contract he had negotiated with Philly just a year earlier wasn’t enough, and sat out of training camp. Part of this was to screw his old agent, who was still collecting royalties from the lucrative deal he’d put together. Of course, the Philly franchise had a strict code about such actions, and the answer Terrell got back couldn’t have been delivered better by Pacino: “My answer is this: nothing.” So finally Terrell caves, but he’s not happy about it. He broods, and whines to the press, and starts telling everyone who’ll listen that he thinks Donovan McNabb is trying to keep him down. This culminated in several locker room fights involving the gobbling receiver. As Turkey day approached, Terrell then made his push for Turkey of the Year, announcing that his injury-riddled team would be in 1st place if Brett Favre, rather than McNabb, were QB. On the Lions, this would have been taken in stride, but Philly is actually a real football franchise with a real commitment to its leader. So come Thanksgiving, Owens found himself benched for the season, plucked, stuffed, roasted, carved and ready to be served as our 2005 Turkey of the Year.