Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, December 24, 2005


"I'm not saying I want to associate with loose women - far from it. All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind just getting a chance to find out for myself where these loose women might be congregating. So far, all I have to go on is Campus Crusade's assurances that they're tempting us from everywhere. They really get going with descriptions of the painted faces, the beckoning leers, the naked, perfumed flesh undulating to the throbbing beat of secular music?but they don't match any of the women in Ann Arbor in any of the numerous places I've checked." Posted by Picasa

If you haven't read it, check out page 16 of the Bill O'Reilly lawsuit. With O'Reillisms like this you can see why he had to settle out of court and how Miss Allison, isn't exactly down with the smooth B.O. moves I've been laying on her.

Friday, December 23, 2005


With the exception of Phondar, cell phones are becoming smaller and smaller these days. I guess it was just a matter of time before this happened...

" The woman was in an argument with a boyfriend when the incident occurred, said Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department.

Decker said police were told that the woman tried to swallow the telephone because she didn't want the boyfriend to have it. However the case is under investigation."

I've been threatening to swallow peoples' cell phones for years. To think I could have made the news 3 years ago with Jamie's phone *gulp*

Pigpen Wants to know...

"What is the main difference between Judaism and Christianity - obviously it's the birth and death of Christ, but there's got to be more to it and then the ever important question of why exactly? Any insights?"

so what a perfect question for Seth...

"1. Judaism is non-prostheletyzing (we are forbidden from trying to convert people to Judaism) This hearkens back to the days when we were a tribe, and continued in the last 1,000 years because we saw how preaching rather than studying completely Romanized Christianity.

2. Rabbis as spiritual leaders. There's no structure. The rabbi of your synagogue isn't taking orders from anywhere. This works because...

3. There's nothing like what you might call beliefs, except the 10 Commandments. Even these are kind of up for debate.* Each Jew has to study Judaism on his (or her in reform) own terms. We are free to interpret Torah, Haftorah (what you would call the Book of Prophets), and the Megillah (The Book of Esther) as we see fit. Of course, there's been lots of commentators over the years, and the best of those are written in collections that reach quasi-holy status, especially the Talmud. But you don't have to go with what those guys wrote.** The goal is to find messages in the holy scriptures that you can apply to your life and your community, not standardize belief or practice.

4. Messiah versus Messianic Age - We're waiting for A messiah, while Christians are waiting for THE messiah, or rather, his return. No fire. No brimstone. No end of the world. One day, during times of great turmoil following times of great prosperity, someone from the line of David will re-establish the Kingdom of Israel and we'll all go live there peacefully with a deli on every corner that can make a proper Reuben. Oh, and supposedly if we can unblock the East gate and get the temple rebuilt (sorry Dome of the Rock), we can bring our ancestors back to life. The biggest difference is, though, that when our thing has come and gone, the next day you can still go buy a gallon of milk at the supermarket and not feel weird about it.***

5. Tzedakah and Or L'Goyim. Tzedakah is, simply put, charity. Giving to others (extra points the more selfless the giving) is a major part of Jewish life. We argue a lot about what's in the afterlife, but everyone to some degree or another agrees that you're in worse shape if you didn't spend your life in giving mode. It's not so much about money, unless like with Hurricane Katrina or something that's the best you can do. "Or L'Goyim" means "A Light Unto the Nations," but has been mistranslated so many times as "The Chosen People"****, a lot of people just go with that. It basically means we have to strive to be examplary citizens in our foreign nations, and more importantly, work to make our communities better.

6. History. Essentially, Chrisianity went from a cult to being grafted onto the Roman bureacracy, while Judaism started as a tribal nation and then spent the last 2,000 years dispersed, repressed, and with each group cut off from each other.

7. Naming conventions: Christians, to my understanding, usually name their children for saints. Jews name them for ancestors. Also, for all religious purposes, you're referred to as "ben [father's name]" rather than your last name. So my brother's name is "Ben ben Baruch" (Ben son of Robert)Cool, huh?

8. In Judaism, it is commanded that a Reuben have sauerkraut, or else it's just a corned beef sandwich.

Religions are tough to compare, because it's not comparing apples to apples. Modern Christianity defines religion as a set of beliefs, a result of the Reformation, perhaps, whereas Judaism, because of the diaspora, sees itself and other religions as various identities. Islam defines religion as a set of practices. Cofuscianists and Taoists as keepers of certain knowledge. Buddhists as diifferent avenues to personal truths. Hindus, and most ancient religions, see everyone as cults worshipping their own head honcho.

So that's your biggest difference right there: how each religion defines what makes a religion. That, and you can always compare the history of each.

*10 Commandments up for debate?!? Look for them in the Bible and you'll see why. There's more than 10. This is because some of the Kohenim 2500 years ago started adding to the list. All told, the Torah has 613 commandments, and when the 10 are mentioned, the least you get is 16 (remember this when you make fun of the Big Ten for having 11 teams). Anyway, the general feeling is that the 10 commandments are what a child or uneducated person needs for their bare essentials to live in society, and through study of Torah and general academics, things like "don't murder, steal, cheat, or worship another G-d" become self-evident. Like Catholicism, though, we treat them as kind of subject headings for further rules.

**For example, the Talmud says the line about a goat in its mothers milk is about keeping a Jewish household and keeping yourself healthy through the rules of Kosher, but unlike the 5th century guys who wrote that, I know that nearby pagan tribes cooked goats in their mothers' milk in a converstion ceremony, and I understand more than they did about germs and parasites and why clams give you food poisoning. So rather than take their advice and go nuts about Kosher, I reinterpreted the message to mean "be wary of those who would convert you," and "don't eat things with hookworm." Using that knowledge, I formulated for myself a semblance of Kosher -- don't eat pig -- that uses the tradition as a reminder of my religion rather than a diet.

***Many Jews believe it happened with WWII and then Israel's formation. I think it's a story started by some slaves in Babylon that stayed alive by fervent hope during more than two millenia of persecution in countries that were not our own. But I haven't yet been able to wrestle with this one yet.

****Etymology fun: The Hebrew word "Or" means "Lightened" or "Beacon" etc. The best translation would be to make "Halo" into an adjective. This was mistaken as "Chosen" for obvious reasons. The L is a prefix meaning, roughly "to" or "of the" or a bunch of other prepositions. The bigger mistranslation is "Goyim." Yes, in the vernacular it translates into "People," or rather "folks" the same way the French "gens" does. But in that usage it's mean to be a perjorative for "gentile." You're a goy. He's a goy. They're goyim (the "im" suffix is a pluralization). The other, older, and biblical sense of the word is as "the other nations" or in modern context, "the world." It's a word that's actually older than the knowledge that we live on a planet, or a thing of finite space.

Thursday, December 22, 2005


"Our culture's idealization of slenderness results in personal and cultural biases against fat people, and causes discrimination against those who are larger than average. As an ally to fat people and to the size acceptance movement, there are a number of things you can do to help reverse this bias and end size discrimination." Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Tondar as he goes to bed in a stocking cap: "In Michigan you don't have to worry about this. Inside is inside, and outdoors is outdoors, and never the two shall meet."

If you never got the chance, check out the lawsuit against Bill O'Reilly. Oh there are so many great lines. Be sure to check out the "perverted raving" on page 17. This one's a classic!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


If you missed it on SNL this weekend be sure to check out the dopest white rap I have ever heard. Yo, ain't no denying how rad da effects in this video be. (It's on the right under videos where it says, "You asked for it... you got it. Here's the Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia! Watch")

"You can call us Aaron Burr cuz the way we're droppin' Hamiltons."

"The most important thing to remember is that you have the right to fly anywhere you want to go. Your needs deserve to be met, but it may be up to you to remind them of this simple fact. If you experience problems despite your precautions, write a letter of complaint to the airline. Remember, you have a right to accessible transportation." Posted by Picasa

Sure, we all know that Fatty's gotta eat. However, what happens when Fatty's gotta fly? Here are some some airline tips for those of you too big for love. Surprisingly as Pigpen pointed out, "Stop eating so damn much!" didn't make the list.

Monday, December 19, 2005


Since the subway is gonna be closed down, whatever you do don't get in the cab driven by this guy Miss Erika. Posted by Picasa

Sunday, December 18, 2005


I dig this scenario the best...

"I would love to see Indiana suddenly find there's no market for Artest out there and end up trading him for a 1st round draft pick to a team (in the West?) that then suddenly plays itself out of a lottery pick. Then Jermaine O'Neal breaks his ankle while falling on Shaq, who breaks his hip, and Dwayne Wade throws his back out trying to pull Big Diesel off the court, and Riley says "well without the stars, F-this," and Van Gundy won't come back so they have to lure Tom Izzo out of East Lansing, which in a few years makes Michigan the better basketball school again, and then I get to lord that over my State siblings all the time and say condescending things like, "well maybe you'll beat us in volleyball....perhaps golf?" which rejuvinates the Michigan athletics program and brings in better football recruits, who go on to beat Ohio State 10 years in a row."

So far there seem to be 3 most probable destinations for Ron Artest. Since you've gotta match NBA salaries and the fact that Artest is demanding the trade, that's going to make it difficult for Indiana to get market value for what I would consider one of the top 10 players in the NBA. Here are the possibilities...

Atlanta: The salaries of Artest and Harrington match and Jermaine O'Neal has expressed interest in playing along side his best buddy. On the upside Indiana would have the size to bang with the Wallaces in Detroit. On the downside Indiana would be losing scoring and defense while Atlanta would be adding what they need most, yet another 2-3 to go with Childress, Smith and Williams.

Toronto: Morris Peterson would actually be another good match. Of course he doesn't bring neither the offense nor the defense of Artest. But this would probably be the biggest win-win for both teams. Toronto is going to suck for this season but having Artest on the roster would put them about one lottery pick (which they will get this year) away from being a powerful force in the Atlantic Division. Bosh, Artest, and
whoever would probably have the same impact as adding Jason Kidd to the Nets and everyone will be saying "hey, how'd you get to be so good." As for Peterson, in spite of his bad attitude it would still be an improvement over the destructive power of L'Artiste. He'd fit the system well and would certainly give the Pistons problems come playoff time.

Sacramento: This team is desperate and on the verge of implosion as well. Now the kids have all been mentioning Peja Stojackavic. But the better fit for both teams is Bonzi Wells. Wells brings the offense and defense quite nicely, and would fit Indiana's system better. Plus having Artest in Sacramento would certainly tighten up their D and give them an immediate leader and go-to guy. And while Bonzi has attitude problems, we may actually see something similar to Rasheed Wallace joining the Pistons. Instead of the volatile element destroying balance, he becomes a catalyst for asskickery and leads the Pacers on a second round collision course with Detroit (1 seed vs. the 4 seed). Fear this trade as well.