Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, December 23, 2006


Gather around the pole and enjoy this short documentary on the origins of Festivus...


As James points out Milwaukee is known for more than just its beer manufacturing...

"Wagner, which made $15 million last year from products including handrail brackets and pipe elbows, earned only a few thousand dollars from Festivus pole sales. Leto said the company received some media publicity upon launch of the poles but he credits bloggers with strong "Seinfeld" loyalties for spreading the news far and wide.

Wagner sold about 250 poles in 2005, with around 100 sales coming from the firm's 120 employees. This season, it sold about 300 poles by mid-December and was on pace to sell twice that number by Saturday, said Leto, whose claim to fame is that he shared a drama class with Jerry Seinfeld at Queens College in New York.

Wagner offers a 6-foot Festivus pole for $38 and a 2-foot-8-inch tabletop model for $30. The setup is simple: a hollow pipe, 1.9 inches in diameter, inserted into a collapsible aluminum base."

Yep, happy Festivus kids! Don't forget to tell somebody what you REALLY think of them today.

Arise and lead the way, for you are Tondar il Primero Posted by Picasa

Now that Christmas break is upon us, it is time to take a look at our CalenDars and think about our yearly ritual. It may be too late to put together something in time for MLK Day. But check your calenDars and let's try to set a weekend in January or February before I move closer to Nashvegas for work. Last year was a blast as Tondar died at the Vatican, Tres (almost) broke his leg, Jason met some garbage men, James played basketball, and Seth peeled my wallpaper for me. The Vaginas of men were quelled and a glorious celebration was had.

This year I was hoping to celebrate here in the hometown of Johnny Cash, HenDarsonville. This year's facilities feature a more rocky purchase with cliffs and quarries, traintracks and a fiery rage that burns with the prick of a wild thorne. This is not a wine cooler, and this is most certainly not the Olde South of the Dirty. Grab your bacon cheese and your cheese bacon and we shall see where that demon lives. For no man can resist the siren song of the Destroyer. Choose. Choose your destiny and let the valkyries carry us to Valhalla like the thunderbirds of olde. In a distant time and in a distant land, there once was an old maddog that led us into Michigan Stadium and knocked over mailboxes with the fury of a T-Train ruining your night's fornication. That fire lives on, and though it had been hidden behind a grimace, I can assure you that the rage never went out. It may have faded to a smoldering ember. But alas the bitter winds have nurtured this ember and fed it through the dark night. It has grown slowly but now the light of day shall be obscured by the smoke and in it's stead, is a blazing inferno fed upon the 80 proof dreams of ashen phantasms that roll down the hill, and punch the genitals of the Saracen hordes. Look upon it and you too shall be blinded, enchanted, mesmerized, and consumed by this fire. There is work to be done, and thus it is time to saddle up for the glory. Do not do it for me. Do not do it for yourself. But do it so that she may know that the value of 18 she has placed on your manhood shall not be compromised for you have been touched by the fires of Tonnaroo too.

So let it be blogged. So let it be done.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Uncle Stash Shot Santa Claus...

"I'm a convicted pedofile, sleeping with a minor."

"I've got your ho ho right here."

"They took me back to a gravel pit and left me there."

"Stash is an absolute drunk."

"We gonna give the pig a drink a beer before it all get started."

"Santa Clause, can you git me two fingers for Christmas"

"Stash has gotta gun, be careful!"

"I'm just wondering why somebody with such beautiful blond hair would die their roots black."

"Wanna go in the green room and do it?"

Hail to this Victor, indeed! Hail Hail to Tondar the Champion of the South! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 21, 2006


"You're a Linda Carter wannabe. Stay away from my son."

"Are there more rolls on the stage or your stomach?"

"I have more rolls than a bakery. I know I'm fat tell me something new."

"This is for the firecrotch. Can you tuck your stomach away because there is already enough loose meat on stage."

"You're fat too bitch! You're jealous."

"I've seen the face of death in your ass."

"The holidays are to celebrate family, not resurrect it."

From James...

"If OSU beats the hell out of Florida, then people will say: if Michigan was on neutral ground and not riding the injury train, they certainly could have won. Remember that we lost a key defensive player in the first quarter, which is slack that isn't really cut for us. It helps us explain the 41 points they put against us. This will give us a solid #2 ranking. And, it will launch us into 07 at the #1 spot. I don't know that a split with OSU could happen, since we lost to them. If Florida beats OSU, then I think the result will be more along the lines of the Big Ten was over-rated rather than could Michigan have beaten Florida? I just don't see the results of the National Championship game helping us out very much.

Either way, a win in the Rose Bowl is paramount. If we win, then we are set up for an 07 championship run. Then Carr retires and English takes over. Seth, ESPN, and I are on the same page on this...

"When his deal concludes after the 2007 season, Michigan's Lloyd Carr is assured of being elevated to a position as an associate athletic director."

It's official: Tondar is coming out of retirement! I have found a jobby-job to escape the black hole. All of this just as we move beyond 2006. How sweet it is...

The people were delighted
Coming forth to claim their prize
They ran to build their cities
And converse among the wise.

I want to thank all of you for your help and positive words of encouragement. Also, as long as it took, I think this journey into the dark night was good for my body and soul as I was able to spend many hours working out, reading, and meditating on theology. What I learned in silent reflection in the cloister of retirement will serve me well when I return to the real world.

En la noche dichosa,
en secreto, que nadie me veía,
ni yo miraba cosa,
sin otra luz ni guía
sino la que en el corazón ardía.
Featuring Boethius' The Consolation of Philosophy 1.7

'When the stars are hidden by black clouds, no light can they afford. When the boisterous south wind rolls along the sea and stirs the surge, the water, but now as clear as glass, bright as the fair sun's light, is dark, impenetrable to sight, with stirred and scattered sand. The stream, that wanders down the mountain's side, must often find a stumbling-block, a stone within its path torn from the hill's own rock. So too shalt thou: if thou wouldst see the truth in undimmed light, choose the straight road, the beaten path; away with passing joys! away with fear! put vain hopes to flight! and grant no place to grief! Where these distractions reign, the mind is clouded o'er, the soul is bound in chains.' Posted by Picasa

In a year full of black holes, revelations and a tetrafecta of suck, let's take a look back at some of the better stuff that has gone on this year. So over the next week or so I will be taking nominations for and categorizing the best (what little there was) of 2006.


Best Post
Best Pic
Best Series of Pics
Best album
Top 10 Songs
Best Adventure
Monkey of the Year
Event of the Year
Girl of the Year
Trainwreck of the Year
Boner of the Year

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


"Jerry Christmas"...

"Nice to see you Santa. And they say we're not a family show."

"I got your step-sister pregnant. I've gotta be there for her."

"Did you know he was sleeping with your step-sister? Oh you had a 3-some."

"I am nothing because of you."

I heard from Drake today. That cocksucker called me out of the blue to talk about life in the Dirty. Yes Drake, welcome to Atlanta you are finally home in the city where the playa's play and that volvo rolls on them thangs like ev-a-ry day, Big beats hit streets, See gangstahs roamin' and parties don't stop 'til the drunk drivins ovah. YEAH! Posted by Picasa

In case you didn't hear the news out of the NBA...

The four-time scoring champion was traded Tuesday by the Philadelphia 76ers to the Nuggets for Andre Miller, Joe Smith and two 2007 first-round picks. The Nuggets also get Ivan McFarlin.

This is a difficult one to call. If this were NBA Live, I would say that the Nuggets just became the best team in basketball. But now that they have two scoring champions in Iverson and Carmelo Anthony, it will be interesting to see if they mix. Ideally, you would have Iverson playing as a shootfirst pointgaurd taking the ball in to the lane where he could finally dish it off to some solid supporting players in Carmelo, Marcus Camby and the young JR Smith. In case you didn't know JR Smith is their current shooting guard who is averaging a respectable 16.1 ppg. More than likely however, we will see a clash of personalities as Iverson comes in to usurp Carmelo's authority. The whole team blows up and they end up firing George Karl.

As for the 76ers, this gives them some financial flexibility and the inside track to land Ohio St. standout Greg Oden. Look for their losing ways to continue. And be sure to keep an eye on Andre "I ain't doin' shit for the Clippers" Miller to be traded again or have some sort of meltdown. Players like Miller make the NBA FANtastic and that's why I love this game!

From Seth...

"When Jim Harbaugh signed on with San Diego, I said Jim was an up-and-comer, but even I was surprised by how much success he had with that program. I guess going to Stanford, he's now not so much of an up-and-comer as a here-and-nower. Look for Harbaugh to get that team in the Rose Bowl in four or five years, as Cal trails off a bit and USC continues to recruit more national prospects than California guys. For someone who knows how to use it, Stanford is in a great position to come back to prominence. They're in a fantastic recruiting state, and can go after national smart kids who want a degree from the university. And there's a ton of tradition there, from playing in the first Rose Bowl to Walter Camp, John Ralston, Bill Walsh, John Elway and Dennis Green.

Pigpen recently sent me this piece by Jay Bakker and Marc Brown about evangelicals being co-opted into the Republican Party. Money quote...

"So when did the focus of Christianity shift from the unconditional love and acceptance preached by Christ to the hate and condemnation spewed forth by certain groups today? Some say it was during the rise of Conservative Christianity in the early 1980s with political action groups like the Moral Majority. Others say it goes way back to the 300s, when Rome's Christian Emperor Constantine initiated a set of laws limiting the rights of Roman non-Christians. Regardless of the origin, one thing is crystal clear: It's not what Jesus stood for."

I never like it when people focus only on a small aspect of Christ's message to the exclusion of other parts. Remember the instructional Sermon on the Mount spans 3 chapters in Matthew. Of course, Christ did preach about love faith, acts, and compassion, especially there. But he also laid down a very strict path that we should follow. Remember this passage from John 14...

"Thomas saith to him: Lord, we know not whither thou goest. And how can we know the way?
Jesus saith to him: I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No man cometh to the Father, but by me."

In addition, to being the only way to get to the Father, Christ also has been sent to divide men. Not only in the strict sense of the consequences of the last judgment as laid down in Matthew 25...

"Then he shall say to them also that shall be on his left hand: Depart from me, you cursed, into everlasting fire, which was prepared for the devil and his angels."

But also don't forget that Christ has been sent to divide men as he explains in Luke 12...

Think ye, that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, no; but separation. For there shall be from henceforth five in one house divided: three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son and the son against his father: the mother against the daughter and the daughter against her mother: the mother-in-law against the daughter-in-law and the daughter-in-law law against her mother-in-law.

One of the more difficult concepts to grasp are the many rolls of Christ. Sometimes he is the Gentle Lamb or the Prince of Peace, other times he is the Son of Man coming to throw our world and human complacency into turmoil. I think one can get carried away in trying to box Christ into one of the more specific rolls. As humans, we want to simply wrap our heads around an idea and stick to this first impression. The authors do this as they have 300 words to speak about His message of peace, tolerance and compassion. They ignore His intolerance of sin (not sinners), and want to box him in as the happy liberal hippy of ancient Israel. Unfortunately, this also ignores another aspect of Christ's Sermon on the Mount, as not only does He teach us how to pray via the Lord's Prayer (Our Father...), but he encourages us to pray often and to continue building and growing our relationship with the Father so that we may come to understand these different roles better.

So what created America's politicized Christians? I think this came about as a response to the Warren Court and the perceived effects that the 1960's counter-culture have taken on America. Many people resent having liberal ideas and policies forced upon them that they would not support given democratic options. There are large chunks of the nation that are not willing to embrace abortion, homosexual marriage, the war on Christmas, or the Culture of Death being forced upon them via the unelected courts. Thus, the Republicans have found a winning coalition between the Goldwater/Reagan libertarian conservatives and the Pat Robertson/George W. Bush big government evangelicals. One group doesn't want the interference of big brother government. The other doesn't want the interference of the liberal big brother government.

Of course, the ironic thing is as I've often told Seth, the obvious home of Christians should be the Democratic party. Christianity is all about using the force of government to enact compassionate social policies for the weakest in society. Whether this is the protection of unborn life, universal healthcare, or other wealth redistribution schemes, the eventual goal is the peace and compassion spoken of during the Sermon on the Mount.

Of course for this to happen, people will first have to overcome their own perceptions of the Democratic party being the home of sinful godless liberals.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


"He's not going to be my son-in-law. He's gonna be MY MAN."

"Imagine that, somebody on our show with issues. How did that happen?"

"I'm here for 2 things: To kick some ass and get the damn girl back."

"I did a little time in prison. I like to drink the beer."

"He'd walk 25 miles in the cold just to look in her window."

"I gotta good punch in but my shoulder fell out."

"I been quit drinkin'. I ain't drink nothin' in a couple of days."

"Yes, I'm talking to you. What other drunk whore is up there?"

"I'm gonna get his damn tooth."

Hat-tip to James on this one...

"Researchers examined data on 1,158 patients treated at a Toronto hospital for severe brain injury due to blunt trauma from 1988 and 2003.

Those with blood-alcohol levels up to 0.23 percent -- nearly three times the common legal limit of 0.08 percent -- were 24 percent more likely to survive their injuries than patients entering the hospital with no alcohol in their bloodstream, the study found."

So does this mean I should be drinking and driving more?

"But by no means are we advocating that there's any advantage to drinking and then driving or drinking and doing anything that may get you into an accident because your chances of getting into a fatal accident are much higher," Tien added."

To beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Featuring the Delightful Minister of State, Sir Huggsalot...

Im going down, going down, like a monkey, ooh but its alright
Try to pick yourself up, carry that weight that you cant see,
Dont you know its alright Posted by Picasa

From Seth...

A short intro on Woot: it's a site that puts up one high-quality, well-priced item in electronics per day. It always comes with a short description afterwards, usually written by the PR person of the company who makes it.

But this time, apparently, the manufacturer let Woot write the product info.

I have to admit, if I were to have a robot head, this would be the one for Tondar.

James sent me this one...

NEW DELHI, India - An Indian runner who won a silver medal in the women's 800 meters at the Asian Games failed a gender test and was stripped of the medal.


There are no compulsory gender tests during events sanctioned by the International Association of Athletics Federations, but athletes may be asked to take a gender test. The medical evaluation panel usually includes a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist and internal medicine specialist.

I have never heard of a gender test. Wouldn't they just check his/her "downthere?" If it's a hangdown shouldn't that be the only test needed? I can understand all this tricky hermaphrodite stuff. But it just makes sense that if the person has a cooter, they are a woman and should be treated as such.

But I think the more important question everybody should be asking, if women are not defined by their "downtheres," has Tondar ever dated one of these women? If so, does this make me gay? Do I need to be running gender tests for future Lady Dars?

Monday, December 18, 2006


CNNSI recently posted a photo gallery celebrating 22 of the best fights in sports history. I particularly liked the photo of Frank Franciso's chair throwing meltdown. Now I'm not going to say whether or not the fan deserved it for his comments about the stillborn baby, but I really love this photo.

In art history one of my favorite trends is what I call the "holy crap face." You can certainly see it here as the fans are caught reacting to the chair hurtling through the air. Like an early renaissance painting, the people are simply lined up in the frame hanging out like a bunch of saints in adoration. But as artistic trends evolved during the Maniera and Baroque eras following the end of the Renaissance in 1520, artists brought more realism by studying emotions and capturing snapshots of this in their paintings. The phenomenon of the Holy Crap Face has never been officially studied, but I would credit it to first being used by Leonardo Da Vinci in the "Last Supper" in 1498. Notice how upset Peter is, following Christ's declaration regarding the traitor. Historically, one can see the idea starting to form in his anatomical studies and his drawing of grotesque heads. Of course, you cannot give him sole credit because many of the great masters studied anatomy to perfect their art of imitation. Given the development of Renaissance imitation, somebody would have stumbled upon it eventually and applied it to more mystical and surprising moments in painting.

But just to get an idea of the holy crap face, some of my other favorites are the crowd in Raphael's "Transfiguration," the surprised bathers in Michelangelo's "Battle of Cascina," or the perfected works of Caravaggio such as his "Judith and Holofernes." Holofernes so did not see THAT ONE coming!

ESPN has a short list of some of the more notable fights in NBA history. Of course they forgot the Knicks-Heat brawl of 1997. You may remember that game was also officiated by Knick Bavetta, but contrary to his name it caused so many Knicks players to be suspended that they ended up losing the series to a weaker Miami Heat team that went on to get killed by the Bulls. At the time this was held up by the conspiracy theorists as an attempt to give Michael Jordan another championship.

On the other hand, they got this one all wrong...

April 24, 1983
• During a first-round playoff game between the Celtics and Hawks, Boston's Danny Ainge takes exception to a Tree Rollins elbow and tackles the Atlanta center. With both players on the ground, Rollins bites Ainge's finger, earning a five-game suspension.

This one actually started because Ainge had been hitting Rollins in the back of the knees or getting underneath him when he jumped. I don't remember the exact offense, but Danny Ainge was a douchebag player in the tradition of Tondar, Bruce Bowen, John Stockton, and Kar' Malo.' But when Rollins finally retaliated and the fight broke out, he was totally justified in biting Ainge because (and this I remember most certainly) AINGE WAS TRYING TO GOUGE OUT HIS EYES. Anybody else would have bitten that son of a bitch in that situation too.

"I've been wearing my dead mother's underwear for 3 days. I haven't taken them off."

"I'm Oprah!"

"You might wanna get some medicine for that herpes on your lips."

Keep on Truckin' Posted by Picasa

Sunday, December 17, 2006


Who will take Miss Apple off of Tres' hands? Posted by Picasa