Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


You may have seen the above quote on my Myspace page. In true Tondarian fashion it is cryptically delightful. However, my friends, be asured that the revolution is real, and at hand. Indeed, think of this as a beacon calling you to take up song for the glory of love and light rock everywhere.

The early days of the Revolution take us back to a far and distant place. Picture yourself in the hills of eastern Kentucky in July 2007. Sagittarius is dominating the southern sky where the Kentucky Whales race along on 18 wheels. The campfire is raging. And that cocksucker Tondar is wandering around with his pants around his ankles (don't bother asking). Brother Seth sees this setting as a perfect time to grab a guitar from one of the former members of Oblivion and lead us all in a fireside sing-along. It was all very delightful as he leads us through Simon and Garfunkel and Tom Petty among others. However, the problem with Seth's show is never that he does a terrible job. Nevertheless, as a Michigan Jew he was taught the value of education instead of entertainment. Thus as the attention of the audience begins to meander, Seth continues singing. What makes it worse is that he goes from the songs people all know and love to obscure Vietnam era protest songs. Since his show follows no trajectory he is often best warmed up at this point, but in 2007 nobody is all that interested in givin' the bird to that mean ole SOB, LBJ.

It was at this moment, I pulled up my pants and had an epiphany. What we needed was a Light Rock Revolution to sweep through the 308 crowd combining the full force of the 70s singer/song writer with those 80 style power ballads that turned the top 40 upside down. Thus I challenge all y'all out there to learn just one song from between the years 1972 and 1985 to sing next time Seth busts out the guitar.

Of course to comply with the precepts of the revolution the song must be light rock in nature and employ those wicked ass harmonies that made the era so memorable as the concept of light rock radio was created to the detriment of future generations of radio listeners and office employees.

If you need some ideas you can most certainly borrow from Oldsmobile and their complimentary tapes...

Samantha Sang: Emotion
Toto: Hold the line
Barbara Streisand: Tomorrow
Willie Nelson: Georgia on my mind
Phoebe Snow: Every night
Biddu Orchestra: Summer of '42
Gladys Knight & the pips: The one and only
Paul Simon: American Tune

side 2

Neil Diamond: Forever in blue jeans
Lou Rawls: You'll never find another love like mine
Dave Mason: We just disagree
Melba Moore: You stepped into my life
Santana: Stormy
Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: Too much too
little too late
Kenny Loggins: Whenever I Call You "friend"
Engelbert Humperdinck: You light up my life

If that doesn't work, Tondar has been working on a few of note himself such as Toto's "I Won't Hold You Back," anything by Christopher Cross, or the song currently featured on my myspace page Seals and Croft's "Get Closer." There are plenty of great songs out there, so your choices are almost unlimited.

The Revolution is upon us my brothers and sisters, I write to you as the living embodiment of 308's determination to fight for the triumph of the Light Rock Revolution, for the triumph of its great slogans not only in Kentucky, but also among the peoples of the whole world. I write to you on behalf of the first heroic singer/song writers of the 1970s, who were to build up a mighty catalog of songs. This catalog is called upon to safeguard the gains of the Light Rock Revolution and our power against the attacks of all the enemies of mellow music, who are bending all efforts to destroy the Revolution. These enemies are the world hippies who are now organising a crusade against both the war in Vietnam and the Light Rock Revolution, which holds out the prospect of liberation to all loving people.

We must show that we are a force capable of overcoming every obstacle on the way to Revolution. Let the example of Bread light our way as we give Everything We Own to buoy up the weak, steady the hesitant, and rouse the weary. The peoples hear our Revolution’s clarion call and are awakening; our repertoire will soon be swelled by the mellow forces of other light rockers and we shall no longer be alone. So let it be blogged. So let it be done.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home