Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, April 14, 2007


I just couldn't find any good pictures of all four of us so I had to go with these.

It's been a few years. The funny thing is that all four of us are in way better shape (physically, financially, emotionally, etc). Well, I take that back. The whiffle bat and the Willie Nelson headban have beeen destroyed for the good of society.

Thursday's Child
by David Bowie

All of my life I've tried so hard
Doing my best with what I had
Nothing much happened all the same

Something about me stood apart
A whisper of hope that seemed to fail
Maybe I'm born right out of my time
Breaking my life in two

Throw me tomorrow
Now that I've really got a chance
Throw me tomorrow
Everything's falling into place
Throw me tomorrow
Seeing my past to let it go
Throw me tomorrow
Only for you I don't regret
That I was Thursday's child

Monday Tuesday Wednesday born I was
Monday Tuesday Wednesday born I was
Thursday's child

Sometimes I cried my heart to sleep
Shuffling days and lonesome nights
Sometimes my courage fell to my feet

Lucky old sun is in my sky
Nothing prepared me for your smile
Lighting the darkness of my soul
Innocence in your arms

Friday, April 13, 2007


You can blast the Duran Duran at 2:15 am and there's nobody above or below to disturb.

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright, to come undone,
Now we'll try to stay blind, to the hope and fear outside,
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind -
And blow me in to cry.

Who do you need?
Who do you love?
When you come undone.

It's obvious who Lord Grumpington (far right) has made his own personal hair-hero. But furthermore, I think he would be an excellent replacement for Imus.

I tried to get into listening to Imus in the Mornings about 7 years ago. At the time I found him to be offensive and mean spirited. So instead of flying off the handle and protesting him, I simply turned off his show and didn't pay him any attention. Now he has finally been fired for that "Nappy Headed Ho" comment. Personally, I don't really care, and his replacement will most likely be better. I don't remember who said it, but my all time favorite moment on the show was when a guest went after Imus for being a "brain-dead coke-head." With assholes like that, they thrive on the name calling and meanspirited banter. However, it is a little ironic that as a morning DJ, his job was to say things that are offensive, shocking, and rude. And then when he does his job and says something that is offensive, shocking, and rude, people fly off the handle and demand his head in the name of political correctness. Did anyone ever consider just turning that garbage off?

Like I said, I'm not going to miss him. But I do find the irony of this issue de jour a bit hypocritical.

"You fuckin' throw down tonight, Dar. You know how we roll. Take no prisoners. You play by your own Goddamn rules. Do you understand this? You play by your own rules."

Frank, March 17, 2007

Thursday, April 12, 2007


With the Wings surprising me with a 4-1 smackdown of Calgary to open the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Seth is still pretty upset about Mario Lemieux's handling of the Pittsburgh Penguins and corrects Matt Romig accordingly...

Just how far can these Baby Pens march?

Make no mistake, the Pittsburgh Penguins are the story of the National Hockey League playoffs. They have the marketable superstars, the handsome hall of fame owner and a new arena deal with barely a pen stroke of dry ink on it. To give the conspiracy theorists a head start: The league would like nothing more than to see the Penguins make a deep playoff run and get Sidney Crosby's face on NBC as much as possible. Pittsburgh is your classic rags to riches story, and its a plotline the league as a whole would like to follow.

The reality, however, is that eight of Pittsburgh's top 10 scorers – not to mention its starting goalie – have no postseason experience. Yes Carolina won it all last year with a pair of playoff newcomers in prominent roles, but for every Eric Staal and Cam Ward there was a Rod Brind'Amour and Doug Weight. The balance in Pittsburgh tilts sharply toward youth, with only Mark Recchi and Gary Roberts (and to a degree Sergei Gonchar) bringing substantial postseason experience to the table.

Crosby will get all the attention, but the guy wearing the bulls-eye will be Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. His play improved in March and April, but he was prone to concentration lapses in the regular season. His 2.83 goals-against average ranks second-worst among playoff goalies. You don't win a lot of 5-3 games in the playoffs. For Pittsburgh to get out of the first round – and do not forget Ottawa is loaded with playoff experience and will be fueled by memories of postseason frustration – Fleury will have to be the team's most important former first-round draft pick.

From Seth...

"The conspiracy theorists are way ahead of you on Pittsburgh. On further examination, the Pens look less like an Aldous Huxley tale and more like Eddie Murphy's character in Trading Places.

Lemieux built this team by manipulating the the league's draft rules, not good scouting or team building. He began by dismantling his team in successive, annual "poor-me" trades of established stars for useless prospects. Lost among the complaints of team insolvency was the fact that the franchise of Jaromir Jagr himself more than footed the bill for the star winger, and that when making the playoffs, the Penguins (unlike other teams that faced REAL financial difficulties) would turn a profit.

Then began the basement years, when Lemieux would come back and then fall out with injury at just the right time to Shanghai any hopes his young, talentless squad might have had. His rewards: Ryan Whitney (5th overall in 2002, then 1st overall pick Marc-Andre Fleury. Your typical team might have used a lottery defender and the best goalie prospect in a decade to improve, but Lemieux held both players out of the NHL.

With Fleury languishing in the minors for "financial reasons," the Pens found the coveted bottom again, netting them 2nd overall pick Evgeni Malkin.

After the lockout, of which Lemieux's constant whining about payroll and small market teams was a prime contributor, the Pens were then awarded Crosby. With the ink not yet dry on the labor agreement, Lemieux immediately locked up the class of the wide-open free agent market (Gonchar, Recchi, LeClair and Palffy), putting the lie to the complaints of insolvency that excused the Rico Fata era. But when the year looked to turn sour, again the team tanked, with fans questioning Lemieux's own ineffective play and leaving Crosby out of the power play. The reward justified his efforts: 2nd overall Jordan Staal.

The absurdity of this string of lotto "successes" cannot be overstated. If you gave him the same picks those years in basketball, your team would consist of Yao Ming, Dwayne Wade, Emeka Okafor, Andrew Bogut and LaMarcus Aldridge. Except instead of Bogut, they were handed the NHL's version of LeBron James in Crosby.

That was in a draft, remember, following a season that wasn't played, when Lemieux successfully lobbied for the NHL's "poor" bottom dwellers of '03-'04 to get first crack at new talent.

Lemieux's manipulation showed again in this year's stadium deal -- or was it just an accident that the Kansas City plan leaked out at a crucial point in the negotiations? So what if this is an old trick for sports franchises -- the ruse was enough to scare the city into giving up its plans for the best water system among U.S. cities to make sure their beloved swindler didn't end up in Western Missouri.

The Penguins have one more thing in common with the Senators: they're facing the Bettman era's first great draft project, which netted the Senators Alexei Yashin (2nd overall), Alexandre Daigle (1st overall), Radek Bonk (3rd overall), Bryan Berard (1st overall), Chris Phillips (1st overall) and Marion Hossa (12th overall). The only difference is that many of the Sens' top picks didn't work out.

A better rags-to-riches team to root for this season might be the Nashville Predators (though as a Wings fan, my admiration can only go so far). They're in a city full of northerners who grew up watching hockey but have failed, so far, to notice the team two blocks from honkey-tonk row. At least that franchise built itself by staying true to its fans, and relying on good scouting and belief in their talent to improve each season."

Jerry's Circus Wedding...

"We met on the carnival grounds. I travel with the carnival."

"Carny is an impolitical word to say."

"We're here because his bitch of an ex-wife won't leave us alone."

"Are you mad because you're a whore?"

"Alcohol has ate him up." *yum-yum-yum-yum-yum*


"How many tickets does it take to ride your ride?"

"If I was married to some fat old ornery woman, I'd be drinking as much as you."

I'm afraid that I can't be both good neighbors (or friends) with as many of you at these great prices. Things have changed and many of you are not cool enough to hang with a Food Lion MVP. That's right kids, Tondar the Destroyer is now an MVP, and with such a title, I'm afraid I will have to spend more time with just the coolest of you. Don't worry, those of you that have been cut have already been notified (except for Tres, but nobody can get ahold of him anyways). As a Food Lion MVP, I become one of the great movers and shakers of supermarket shoppers. And there's no need to keep foolling ourselves. This makes me better than most of you.

You see with the card I join an ellite few that in addition to everyday low prices, I am now ENTITLED (yeah motherfuckers, entitled) to bonus buys, Buy One Get One Free Items, and special discounts to which the rest of you serfs and plebians cannot even imagine. In fact, I don't even want you to imagine because your small brains cannot even fathom the infinite savings to which I now have access. Think you're bigtime with your Kroger Plus card? Fuck you, race off to hell. Think you can get by on your "walk-up" sales at Publix? Go bake a fucking cake for your wife and kids. That's right kids, this is a big boy's game of savings. You don't know how to play and you would probably just get hurt.

I apologize for being a rather bad neighbor about this. But apathy is what must be paid for great prices. Being a Food Lion MVP, my lifestyle will change and I see little room for keeping you in my life. Please don't take it personally. It is a simple fact of life that some of us are meant for savings and others are simply deadweight.

So let it be blogged. So let it be done.

When you play trivia the right there's no shame in coming up short when you didn't know about cricket, calories, Slingblade, or bands in video games. Afterall, those topics and questions were biased (and lame) to begin with.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


So today I devoted myself to a cleaning session of the bigboy house. It was REALLY a mess. It wasn't so much that the previous owners were "dirty" people. I did not have to contend with dirty diapers strewn across the floor, maggots, rotting carcasses or rotting load bearing walls. However, these people simply got dirt in the damnedest of places.

"From the window, to the wall
'Til the cleaner drops off it all"

*Yeah that's a more exact rhyme than Little John's, deal with it*

Honestly, the best way to describe the house is simply "smudged." Thus, the cleaning and moving in process is taking ALOTTA time. Like the American Army I have to go from location to location clearing space for MY goods. In addition, what adds to the aggrevation is the the numerous landscaping and construction projects that I need to conquer to get this house back in to sale-condition. Sure I have 2.4 years to do it, given my mortgage. But why cut corners and live like a pauper in the interim? Was it too much to assume that there wasn't that much crud preventing me from fully unpacking in a timely manner?

UPDATE: STILL FINDING MORE SMUDGE: Five feet six inches above the floor, above the toilet and next to the master shower there was another smudge. And sure enough with paper towell and all-purpose cleaner it came right off the yellow wall. However, how does a smudge like that get up so high?!? Was it a samurai kick? A shower rod gone horrible awry and ignored? Why this house? Why so lazy?

With a 3 day return to unemployment comes great responsibility. Be entertained kids, as "Uncle Stash Shoots The Easter Bunny..."

"You left me for a man that would give you ice."

"I don't date gay men!"
"I have no response to that."

"Are you happy to see her or is that a carrot in your pocket?"

"I was wonderin' if we could see those breastasis again. And you there darlin' can you come home and be the queen of my double wide if you want to."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Well it looks like Tennessee is finally coming together and working itself out.

From the AP...

HENDERSONVILLE, Tenn. - Johnny Cash's longtime lakeside home, a showcase where he wrote much of his famous music and entertained U.S. presidents, music royalty and visiting fans, was destroyed by fire on Tuesday.

Cash and his wife, June Carter Cash, lived in the 13,880-square-foot home from the late 1960s until their deaths in 2003.

Well first, I'm glad I didn't buy THAT house. Secondly, it really is a shame to lose such a historical site as that. Though in a way it is rather fitting that Johnny Cash rode that house into the ground. Even though it had been sold, he was really the last person to live there. As if the house knew it couldn't do any better.

I fly a starship across the Universe divide
And when I reach the other side
I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can
Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain
And I'll be back again, and again and again and again and again...

Well, I told that drunken slave driver where to put his sweatshop today. It was a little weird how quickly things unfolded. However, I am not surprised given the professionalism with which this shop was handled. Plus ça change, I will be back in the foreclosure game come Monday.

(Jimmy Buffett should write a song about that. That would be awesome.)

"Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman. It's a tough racket."

Can you believe HE is getting married?

Monday, April 09, 2007


Well the rumours are true. Tondar is in fact coming home to Michigan the weekend of May 5th. I will be going to a wedding that day on the East side of the state. However, the rest of the weekend is wide open. I will be flying in on Thursday so we will have to have another round of Taco Armageddon (yeah yeah yeah yeah). Last time was a 3 way tie at 18. Pigpen went way ahead as always, but Tondar and Brado closed the gap and made it an equitable competition.

As for the rest of the time, I will be free except for Saturday, so I would like to see as many of you as possible. Drop me a line if you want to get together. Like mini-golf, IT WILL BE FUN!

From Frank...

"I am thinking of visiting you Dar during a weekend in October; I have three, 3-day weekends that month, two with Fridays off and one with Monday off. For the weekend with the Monday off, we could make it four day weekend if I took Friday off. I assume since you just got your big boy house that you will be there. My question to you is: When do you want to plan it out? I could order the tickets by the end of the month."

By all means, it would be great to have Frank in the Dirty South. I doubt we can get Miss Allison to drive us to the bar while Frank picks a fight with Clownhair. However, I would not be opposed to busting out some seersucker suits and sipping mint juleps in my tool shed. It most certainly isn't a gazeebo, but I don't own my plantation yet either, so compromise is the name of the game.

But anyways, my October is wide open so you just plan it whenever it is cheapest and I will see to it that the Gingerbread Man and I have clear schedules.

Seth came across a little pork in the recent federal farm bill...


    (a) Construction- The Secretary of Agriculture shall construct a warehouse and irradiation containment facility in Waimanalo, Hawaii, to support fruit fly rearing activities and to house an irradiation to sterilize fruit flies.

    (b) Authorization of Appropriations- There are authorized to be appropriated--

      (1) $15,000,000 for the construction of a warehouse and irradiation containment facility pursuant to subsection (a); and

      (2) $1,000,000 for fiscal year 2008 and each subsequent fiscal year for maintenance to the facilities constructed pursuant to this section.

"$15 million to sterilize fruit flies. Yet somehow I think farmers might be happier if we spent $15 million to sterilize Congress."

Well Buck v. Bell has never technically been overturned so the forced sterilization of retards, criminals, inebriates, ne'er-do-wells, and the feeble minded is still in fact legal. I think Congress would fit all of these descriptions.

From Seth...

Team Wins Losses OTLs Pts.
Buffalo 53 22 7 113 Patrick-Adams Div. Champ
Detroit 50 19 13 113 Norris Division Champion
Nashville 51 23 8 110 Dixie Division Champion
Anaheim 48 20 14 110 Gretzky Division Champion
New Jersey 49 24 11 109 at-large
San Jose 51 26 5 107 at-large
Dallas 50 25 7 107 Heartland Div. Champion
Vancouver 49 26 7 105 at-large

The final 8 are decided. The last few spots came down to tough race, with Ottawa and Pittsburgh tying Vancouver at 105 points. But the Canucks did it with more wins (49) than either of them (48 and 47 respectively). Dallas edged out Minnesota for the Heartland Division Championship by 3 points with a solid final-week run that got the Stars to 50 wins. Buffalo and Detroit tied at 113 points, but Buffalo's win total of 53 beat out Detroit's 50 for the coveted President's Trophy, and first pick at their opponent.

Mock playoffs:
Buffalo selects 7-seed Dallas.
Detroit, sensing weakness in injury, decides to bring it to Nashville, negating the Predators' 3rd-seed pick
Anaheim selects 8-seed Vancouver, whom they dominated in the regular season
New Jersey is left facing San Jose.

First Round Results:
1. Buffalo 4, Dallas 1
2. Detroit 4, Nashville 3
4. Anaheim 4, Vancouver 0
5. New Jersey 4, San Jose 2
Buffalo selects weary Detroit. Anaheim draws the Devils

Semi-Final Results:
1. Buffalo 4, Detroit 2
2. Anaheim 4, New Jersey 3

Stanley Cup Results:
1. Buffalo 4, Anaheim 2

Wouldn't this be so cool -- with everyone questioning the Wings' decision to take on No. 3 Nashville after the 7-game series tires them out too much for Buffalo. And all of these teams deserve to win it, but Buffalo reaps the reward of playing for the win all season (and being better than Detroit at shootout). This makes for a much more exciting last week of the season -- instead of Anaheim tanking to draw the Wild, they'd be clawing their way for wins in the end so they can earn a matchup with Vancouver. Fans can speculate like mad on which team they want to face. And a team that gets selected by the early teams gets to go to the playoffs with a chip on their shoulder -- you want the Preds, well you've GOT THE PREDS!

There's still just one problem with my program -- Columbus still gets doinked being in the Heartland Division with Phoenix, Dallas, Minnesota, Colorado and St. Louis when its closest teams are Detroit, Chicago, Pittsburgh and Buffalo. There's just not room enough in the Northeast for all the Northeast teams. Plus, I'm still working on my balanced schedule algorhthym (unbalanced one is easy). More to come on that...

From Seth...

"Here's my question: Where's Zetterberg?

He's been listed as day-to-day for a month. The last news was he's been skating. I don't know what his back injury is, and the WIngs won't say, but without Zetterberg, this team is in trouble.

Again, the stupid NHL alignment has matched the West's top seed, Detroit, against the team they least want to play, Calgary. Congrats for winning more games than anyone else, guys.

The Flames' thing seems to be this year that they flame-out on the road. But we've seen too many of these matchup since we won the cup in 2001, where a crummy group of cheats shows up, exploits officiating, and after a series of grab-ass Detroit is eliminated in the early rounds. If any team this year will play a trap and cheat, it's the classless Flames. We had a "playoff" game with them already this year, with Detroit outshooting 2-1, but having to take those shots from the blue line, then get held on their way to the net. It was the worst officiated game I ever saw, but I really think it's just a preview of the crap-fest we're about to see. With Zetterberg healing, and most of our team just coming back from injury, we're prime targets for a group with zero class. Even if our superior hockey skills -- and nobody's arguing which team would win an actual game of hockey -- pull out the series, we're facing a team, not unlike Edmonton last year, whose gameplan revolves around knowing which strain, sprain, chip, pull, and bruised bone to whack. This means we'll have to face a slick team like Vancouver or Nashville or San Jose all banged up.

Given the NHL's track record of "letting them play" come playoff time, even after promising again and again to call penalties, and adding to that the Calgary mindset of referee manipulation I can't foresee a series in which the Flames are even called for half of their infractions. If we were to play hockey, this could have been a great playoffs, with Anaheim, Detroit, Vancouver, San Jose and Nashville all worthy of taking on Buffalo or New Jersey."

Sunday, April 08, 2007