Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Monday, September 01, 2008

SETH'S HIT LIST

Like Pigpen's facepunch list, Seth is having trouble finding college teams that he still likes...

Sent on 1/2/08...
This year's bowl schedule is filled with games where I'd like to see both teams lose. Have I extended my hate to too many places, or does college football just suck?

I'm beginning to think it's an over-hating problem. Just look at this list of teams that make me cackle with glee each time they lose:

*Every team from Florida -- Specifically, Miami can suck it, bite ite, and choke on it. Florida can bite on it and choke on it. USF can suck it. FIU can suck it. UCF can suck it. Florida State can suck it. Miami can suck it again. These teams all fit in multiple categories of hate (Goon Factory, Need to Die, SEC). The state's namesake and standard-bearer, Florida, actually won a poll on Yahoo for America's most hated team. And you wonder why Elian Gonzalez is never coming back...

*Teams with classless coaches -- Urban Meyer. Nick Saban. Steve Spurrier. Bobby Bowden. Mike Sanford. Gary Barnett. Frank Beamer. All of you, meet Dumbs.

*USC -- I'm so sick of hearing about Pete Carroll smiling. No, you can't lose to Stanford and claim you deserve to play a team that went 10-1 versus a Big Ten schedule. All of USC's biggest rivals -- Notre Dame, UCLA, Stanford, Cal -- are among the top echelon of BCS schools in academics. That makes USC effectively the West Coast's Ohio State, except with hotter cheerleaders and no Michigan to keep them in check.

*Ohio State -- Having OSU be the standard-bearer for the Big Ten for a Michigan fan is like having Rudy Giuliani be the Republican Party's presidential nominee for a staunch conservative. His success reflects well on your team nationally, but it also kills everything you believe in. The Buckeyes in a bowl are such a mixed bag. If they win, they get more recruits and become harder to beat, but they also reflect well on the conference -- and it would help shut up SEC fans. I guess it comes down to this: I'd rather Michigan beat Ohio State and have the Big Ten ridiculed by SEC fans than Michigan lose the Big Game, and have the conference earn respect. Besides, even when the Big Ten was unquestionably superior to the SEC, did SEC fans ever admit it?

*SEC teams not named Vanderbilt -- Specifically, Florida and Tennessee can choke on it, whichever team currently has Spurrier or Saban (S Carolina and Alabama, respectively) can bite it, the academically challenged (Arkansas, Kentucky, and everyone else can lose by association, even when I have respect for their coaches, like with Mark Richt of Olivia's beloved Dawgs, and the Michigan Man's Tigers, because when SEC teams lose, it makes SEC fans shut the fuck up, and it is well known that the key to the well-being of our beloved United States of America is that SEC fans shut the fuck up.

*Goon Factories. By this I mean teams with low academic standards -- Specifically Miami (Fla.), USF and Cincy, who took guys so low on the academic charts that Nick Saban complained that Alabama's standards prohibited him from taking them. Bama is 85th out of 115. Virginia Tech could deserve some sympathy for the Blacksburg shootings, but Frank Beamer runs a total thug machine (see the Vick brothers), who teaches his boys to injure and play dirty.

*Teams that need to die -- Teams who wracked up like 10 or more wins against crappy teams. This includes teams like Boise State or Tulane of the past, or this year, Hawaii, who bitch so much about not being invited to the big game but never play a real team all year. Particular hate goes to clumps of teams that need to die who get overrated en masse, like how they overrated Big East wusses Rutgers, UConn and Cincy all season so that South Florida wouldn't look so stupid for losing to all of them.

*Teams from Texas -- Simply put, this is the state that gave us the presidents who gave us Vietnam and Iraq. Unfortunately, we can't repay that back-asswards state by having the rest of the nation show up and kick every Texan in the nuts. Having their teams all lose their football games, though, to a Texan, is pretty much the same thing.

*West Virginia -- I had nothing against them except I thought they were all meatheads when we visited the Phi Psi. But then I saw what a bunch of whiny-ass babies they all were when their coach -- who only played for, and graduated from, and made WVU into a national contender -- got the job of a lifetime. That's not how you treat a native son. Other WVU fan accomplishments: dropping trash cans on opposing fans, dropping a dookie in the seats of the other team's band, burning couches at ROAD games, and rivlary t-shirts ("Fuck Louisville") so clever a 7-year-old would have trouble thinking it up.

*Oklahoma -- Let's be blunt: Oklahoma fans suck. The minute you become a Sooner fan, you're an asshole for life. Sooner fans are the only ones to ever try to manipulate a college football game by threatening the life of officials and players, and they've done it on several occasions. The school's president is probably the biggest football-crazy dickhole to ever have the reigns of a university. But Bob Stoops himself runs as clean a program as you could ask for in that environment. You gotta root for Stoops, who's like Yoda trying to singlehandedly hold the Republic together. Of course, that's small consolation when the place is being run by Palpatine and big-eyed aliens with offensively stereotypical Japanese accents...okay, I'll bring this analogy to a merciful end now.

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