Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


From Seth...

First they brought back Stallone to do Rocky Balboa as a nearing-50 slughead who battles a young superstar to a standstill.

Then they made another Indiana Jones with Harrison Ford as a family-sanitized, creaky shadow of the former action hero who discovers fatherhood after reuniting with the franchise's original femme d'interest, Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen). It bit.

But just when you thought that would kill the genre, they released Grind Line IV: The Return, wherein '90s hockey hero Darren McCarty returns from the asshole of the world (ahem....Calgary), and fights alcoholism, rusty skates and rustier reflexes to make it back to the NHL. But when he arrives, he finds the league is hardly the NHL he remembered, and McCarty must adapt to two-line passing, obstruction penalties, salary caps, and slick-skating Euros. Along the way, with help from returning battery mates Drapes (Kris Draper) and Malts (Kirk Maltby) he lends some old-fashioned Candadian heart to the finesse-oriented, speedy Swede Wings, and together, they win the Stanley Cup.

Now for the sequel.

It's a few months after McCarty and the Red Wings have won their fourth cup in this decade, and the Wings are again the most talented team, but struggling to stay atop the NHL next to super-powered teams like San Jose. The league has moved on from its toughguys & instigators days, as evidenced by the nasty young instigator from Grind Line III, Sean Avery, (with a cameo from Grind Line II and III star Brett Hull) getting tossed from his team. But in such a league, there is little room for tough-guy exraordinaire Darren McCarty.

Enter McCarty's arch-nemesis from the first trilogy, Claude Lemieux. Reprising the role that earned him fame in Grind Line I, Lemieux, hoping to derail McCarty's newfound success, begins his own comeback, joining big, talented San Jose and feeding on the souls of hippies on Haight-Ashbury to regain his evil, dirty game.

Meanwhile, McCarty himself is back down in the minors and passing waivers, knowing that time and the New NHL are passing him by. But while considering retiring with Grand Rapids, McCarty discovers Lemieux's nefarious plot to win the Stanley Cup and use it as a chalice in the final ritual to unleash the Demonic Spirit of Clutch & Grab. Can McCarty earn his way onto Detroit's talented playoff roster in time to force Lemieux back into his turtle shell, and help the Wings stop San Jose from turning hockey back into a game of grab-ass?

Good flick, huh?

Well, too bad, cause they're already making that one.

Of course growing up and watching hockey in the 90's anybody around 30 saw hockey ruined by Claude LeMieux. I know if I'm in the NHL, I would be gunning for LeMieux to see if I could give him the injury that ends his career. Wouldn't that be an awesome milestone? Sure, everybody wants to win a Stanley Cup. But wouldn't you trade in your 3rd or 4th for a chance to be the one responsible for ending LeMieux's career? I know that would fit Tondar like the cat's pajamas.

Also, Seth refers to a plot to use the Stanley Cup as a chalice of clutch-and-grab evil. However, that makes too much sense. Clutch-and-grab is a means to win the Stanley Cup. However, the most evil of deeds are done for no reason. Remember, Johnny Cash didn't shoot a man in Reno for touching his wife. Johnny shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. That's Claude LeMieux evil right there.


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