Tondar's Daily Rant

Prepare yourself for the writings of Tondar the Destroyer, Baron of Atlanta, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Spain, from whom all babies come. As his will be blogged, so let it be done.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


It seems that 2014 will be the next round of great baby arrivals. Many first time parents have asked, "Tondar, all babies come from you, what do I need to know about raising the one at my house?" Well, here are a few pointers for all you kids having babies.

*UPDATE: Feel free to leave a comment on the post with anything (especially about boys) that I may have missed. These are the lessons that I have learned but it certainly isn't the complete and final word.

1. Don't gaze upon the birthing process. Like staring into the Ark of the Covenant it will melt your face.

2. You won't Lenny Smash your baby. Babies are small and delicate. But don't worry, you're not going to crush them like Lenny petting the puppy or touching Curly's wife. They are tough little critters.

3. When buying diapers get both Pampers and something cheap. Use the Pampers overnight, during naps, and when you're anticipating fecal armageddon. The cheap diaps should save you some money and fill in the other gaps.

4. Baby's diap should be changed about every 2 hours to keep the bottom from rotting off.

5. If baby's bottom starts to rot off, buy the giant sack of baking soda from Costco/Sams and generously add that to baby's bath. The rot will heal and nobody has to know the secret of your bad parenting.

6. Breast feeding is the best food for baby and a great bonding opportunity for Mommy. BONUS: Jokingly referring to breastfeeding as "Shame" or "Shameful" is ALMOST as much fun as using the "Woman Voice." Sit back and enjoy the rage storm.

7. You will spill breast milk. Clean it up quickly. Never tell anybody.

8. Doctors will push vaccines. There's no disputing the science of immunization. However, shaming and fear mongering still does not substitute for a proper national debate about what big pharma is mandating we put into our children while enjoying legal immunity from the consequences of these mandates. Do your own research. Consider your family's autoimmune history. You are the one that has to live with the decision ultimately.

9. The Gardasil shot will destroy your daughter's reproductive system.

10. Baby girls love all that is cute. They respond favorably if you turn any item into a sad critter that needs their help. Use this to help them finish their food, vitamins, and medicine.

11. When a baby girl hands you a toy, cuddle it, kiss it, hug it, or give it a loving voice. They love this!

12. Make up songs to help you and baby turn repetitive necessities into delightful moments of play. They will reward you with bopping and attempts to sing along.

13. Tummy time is important for smaller babies to become comfortable at pushing up into a crawling position.

14. In a world where everything is new and frightening, routines comfort baby with order in the maelstrom of chaos.

15. A bedtime routine is crucial to establishing good sleep habits.

16. "Sleeping through the night" is a lie. What they really mean is that baby will sleep from 8pm-4am. It takes another month or 2 for baby to actually sleep until 7 or 8am.

17. Baby has horrible hands that will attack baby's face on the verge of sleep. Counter this with a tight swaddle. Adults have an inability to empathize with the swaddle and see it as a sad restraint. To baby it feels like being in the tight cozy womb.

18. You WILL make a mistake trimming those tiny fingernails. You are not a terrible parent.

19. Try not to use powder during diaper changes as baby will inhale some. This is not good for baby. Nevertheless, a little powder with cornstarch is a powerful ally when the diaper rash overwhelms.

20. White zinc oxide ointment is my diaper cream of choice. It is also the active formula in talcum powder and can be used for any family member that is suffering from rashy chaffing.

21. Fluoride is a poison intended to make your baby stupid. There are several fluoride filters on the market that can save you and your family from the devastating buildup of the DERPS.

22. The baby making process strips mommy of many toxins and nutrients that her body has stored up for a lifetime. The toxins can potentially have effects on baby. And mommy will need to replenish many nutrients in herself. Do your supplement research. And mommy should continue with her prenatal vitamins through breastfeeding and for as long as she is considering more babies.

23. If you ever get frustrated, take a moment for yourself. Baby will not expire of neglect while you regain your sanity.

24. Not all babies need a pacifier. Yours probably will.

25. Is your paci attached to baby's clothing in public?  Like the magic behind magnets, it will be irresistibly drawn to the floor.

26. Do you have an extra paci or two for going out into public? See above.

27. Don't use your mouth to "clean" baby's paci. Your mouth colonizes a great multitude of teeth rotting bacteria. Baby don't need that!

28. Newborns have a 3 hour cycle that consists of sleep, food, diaper change and a little bit of play. One of the best places for baby to nap is in a swing. There are some great electrical options on the market that will keep baby napping cozy longer.

29. A good beat will start to shake that baby bottom as your little one grows. Experiment with different kinds of music to determine if your baby likes dance, soul, prog, oldies, or good ole rock & roll. And of course, you can always count on Lionel Richie to move any baby.

30. Baby doesn't care if you partied all night in your blacklight basement rave and you are epically hungover. Baby's gonna demand a clean bottom and full tummy regardless.

31. A good source of white noise is crucial if you plan to get things done and your baby is a naughty sleeper. The Pink Noise from Simply Noise (there is an app) is our favorite. 

32.  Leaving baby shirtless in a window is a good source of vitamin D. There are also supplements that work. Make sure your baby is not deficient. The other parents will judge you and your rickety baby.

33. Recite this scene for baby (with accents) as you change those poopy diapers. "You will come out NO MORE!"

34.  When wiping a little girl during diaper changes, never bring the wipe from the back door to the front door. That's how urinary tract infections are made.

35. If your pooplet or pooplette suffers from prolonged explosive diarrhea that is ruining outfits left and right, consider a course of probiotics to seed that baby gut with helpful bacteria that make digestion a little more efficient.

36. Have a mobile or toy or bottle to distract baby during diaper changes. They are fallen beings and will get wiggly and giggly while you try to manage their filth.

37. Have a bottle of hand sanitizer near your changing station so that if you are flying solo, you can safely and cleanly help baby down without putting your filth-hands to everything. They nasty!

38. Breastfeeding is like a sport. It takes time and practice to get good and stay good. When baby cannot feed, take time to pump. If your supply starts to fall off, look into supplements to keep your production up. The interwebs are full of tricks, traps, and hints. Take all advice with a grain of salt.

39. Breastmilk is such an efficient food, babies can go a week without pooping. As long as those diapers are still wet, enjoy your break from poopsmithing. You are as golden as babies damp diap.

40. Start solids around 6 months (or 4 if on formula). Begin with foods that lay down boring eating habits. As baby gets older, add better tastier things. It is best to minimize sweets until that first birthday cake-monster moment. There will be plenty of time for baby to become acclimated to a sugary American diet after that first birthday.

41. In the baby food section there are some great organic baby pouches that combine healthy fruits and vegetables into tasty concoctions. Buy these if you dont have time to Baby Bullet (puree blend) your own baby food.  Bonus: baby feeds self, freeing you up to weep, drink and masturbate.

42. You only need to buy 1 box of rice cereal. After that, you can move to quick oats and then old fashion oats. These can be added to baby foods, yogurts, and other mush to bulk up meals to satisfy your little eat-beast.

43. Try to minimize baby's tv watching. The fast images and sounds are sensory candy and counter-productive to a developing brain that needs to learn things in a more focused, slow-paced way.

44. With baby around you will have to wash your hands more frequently. At some point, the flesh may start to come off your hands. Try to consolidate your hand washing by taking time to accomplish a "Dirty Handjob" like taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, or stain treating that poopy onesie before you wash your hands. After hand washing, keep in mind what "Clean Handjobs" you can accomplish like unloading the dishwasher, or food and bottle prep so as to save the outer layer of flesh on your hands.

45. Resistance is strong with baby. Instead of struggling to dress baby or cram baby into the highchair, hand baby a book or toy and declare "Look, a distraction!"

46.  Sometime between three and twelve months (but probably around six) months, razor sharp teeth will cut their way through baby's head and gums. They find this painful. Have Baby Pain Reliever and Ibuprofen on hand to alternate treatments depending on baby's level of WTF shrieking and agony.

47. Babies need to be checked regularly for poopies. Sometimes the poopies are secret and will have little to no smell indicating their arrival. I never understood the practicality of dressing them in onesies when you have to peek inside those pants, thus I prefer to dress our little defecators in normal shirts instead.

48. If baby only wore an outfit for a short time while lounging around the house, set it aside. These are the "clean-dirties" and come in handy when you have that inevitable messy meal or a leaky-loo of a diaper. It saves time by preventing the laundry from piling up at the rate of naughty.

49. I know the kids like to use the green re-usable grocery bags. Nevertheless, acquire and save those Meijer bags. Double them up and they are the perfect size for filling with diapers before the stench overwhelms the room. They usually need to be replaced towards the end of the second day.

50. "No spatulas in bed!" You cannot anticipate the level of madness and chaos that will be inflicted upon your house. To paraphrase Bill Cosby, all children suffer from the brain damage and this will manifest in the strangest of ways resulting in the strangest of rules.

51. Expect everything in your life to take twice as long, especially going places and doing things. Plan accordingly.

52. At any given time you will have a dozen things that you should be doing. Constantly be planning ahead for the next 4 or 5 steps. This keeps your mind sharp and helps you settle on the appropriate order of operations

53. Because of your Hulk-like strength it is easy to rip the tab off the disposable diaper. Just add a second diaper over the top to secure the first. At the next change throw away the soiled ripped-tab diaper from the inside and use the outer diaper, you lummox.

54. Remember when you touched that door handle, subway poll, old food, gas pump, and then shook hands with your creepy sweaty boss? Before coming home and touching baby and baby's toys or anything that might end up in baby's mouth, wash up. Also, insist that guests wash up before touching baby. As pregnant women get patted on the belly, there is a demented segment of the population that insists on touching your baby's hand or trying to put their grown-ass fingers in baby's mouth.

55. Around 12 months, there is a gap in baby's understanding and inability to speak. Fill this gap with a few words of American Sign Language. Mix useful words like "food," "please," and "thank you," with fun words like "spider," "jump," and "bear."

56. Most importantly, take time to git and be gotten. Babies smuggle gold under their chin. Steal it. Steal that baby thyroid. Git that baby tummy that is so sweet and yummy. Never forget that baby spit cures cancer! And as baby gets older and tries to reciprocate make a big enjoyable showing of how baby is gitting you.


  • At 8:07 AM , Blogger Tondar said...

    Amy adds: "For parents of boys, throw a wipe over the "little guy" so that baby does not stream into ones mouth or use his super soaker on you."


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